Ming The Merciless Ming Anthology

Ming Is Miffed

2010-11-15T12:04:00.002-05:00

So you want to contact a company. Take your medication first. They provide a cutsie number to call giving you letters that spell out some word having to do with the company that corresponds to the numbers on the dial. You now have to peck out those numbers after scanning through the letters they pertain to.

Then you are asked to press two if you wish to continue in English. How are those that don't wish to pick English to know that's what's asked of them? If they do know then perforce, they can communicate in English. Ming has never gone to the non-English option, but he hopes all of the approximately 6,700 languages still spoken are offered since to do less is discriminatory. Ming just bets that Pashto and Urdu have been slighted.

Next you're put on hold, while some recording lies it's head off telling you how important your call is to them. After that you are presented with a list of options to press, none of which are in the least responsive to your needs. Pick some and there is a secondary list and even a tertiary list of options. All such options are for prerecorded responses and all know that they don't answer your question since they all ultimately direct you back to the first option and you get to proudly select English once again.

Ming fervently hopes there is a place in Hell for designers of mechanical phone responses who can only escape Hades by dialing the right number, selecting the right language and striking the right option.

Men Are No Longer On Top

2010-11-05T08:51:00.002-04:00

Just watch any couple being interviewed on a news program. It doesn't matter what the topic. The woman is fielding the questions, providing opinion and commentary in stentorian tones while the poor schlub stands half a pace behind , shoulders stooped, wearing the look of a poleaxed steer, not even daring to speak.

Today women are even more buff than men. Female body builders are everywhere. Television hasn't portrayed a positive father figure since Robert Young in the 1950's sitcom, Father Knows Best. Women are now police officers, firemen (firewomen?), and have invaded every other tradition bastion of male superiority.

When Ming was a tyke, a wife walked two paces behind her husband. He was the breadwinner. King of the castle. Lord of all he surveyed. Ming blames the estrogen thy feed cows that gets into infant formulae.

We men must now courageously retake our traditional role as..... oops, Ming sees his significant other approaching and must now close out this screen or there will be hell to pay. "Yes, my love. Ming was only playing freecell just as you agreed he could before scrubbing the floor"......

Ming Discovers Key To Success

2010-09-18T15:43:00.002-04:00

All those Horatio Alger stories are just so much bunk to use a term extant when they were written. Slogging away at some thankless task will never get you all the good things in life. The yachts, the pied-a-terre in the South Bronx, that diamond-studded yo-yo you've always lusted after.

Success can be yours sans effort. Ming has been seeing the correlation all his life and in a paroxysm of generosity that surprises even himself, he will share the secret. People with two last names always succeed. Those with two first names invariably fail. Those with a first and last name have a shot but for them it's all uphill.

But Ming, you whine, what do I do if stuck with the dreaded lack of surnames? That's what the Courts are for you dolt. Get a legal name change. Powers Booth has a nice ring to it but some actor that would never have gotten a bit part without it already stole it. Likewise for Harrison Ford.

At the very least,if you can't even afford the court costs, use your first initial, middle name and surname such as F.Murray Abrams. For once at least the poor Chinese get a break since they get to put their surname first. Wu Hu Tu Yu is a real winner what with four surnames almost guaranteeing success in any endeavor and it even sounds friendly. So Wu Hu Tu Yu To.

Ming's Management Manual

2010-09-07T14:37:00.002-04:00

Someday when you've finally hopped all the arcane academic hurdles and they are actually stupid enough to give an undeserving you a diploma, you will ask "what's next?" as that diploma becomes your ticket to the sturm und drang of corporate life.

Lucky for you, the one good thing you've ever done in life is to read Ming's blog which will guide your faltering footsteps. Primarily to succeed no matter how modest the station in the dung heap of commerce you find yourself wallowing in, the sine qua non(don't you now wish you took Latin?) is to build an empire. This means you must acquire subordinates. Be very careful when doing this. Chose only those who lack ambition and possess no more than pedestrian intelligence. This is de rigueur. After all, we can't have the wretched rodents undermining you and acceding to your glorious position.

"But what does one do with subordinates other than having them do the job for which you were hired?" asks you. "Special projects" replies Ming. The more arcane and obscure the better so no on can figure out that they are really spinning wheels and the "projects" are duplications of effort at best and totally unproductive and useless at worst.

However, the greatest utility to you in empire building and accumulating subordinates comes when corporate fortunes are at their nadir and draconian cuts become necessary. You will have cannon fodder to contribute as the ranks are decimated. After all, without subordinates it could have been you that would have had to fall on your sword.

Naturally there are many combinations and permutations inherent in the successful execution of empire building. Too many to elaborate on a mere blog. Just think of that palindrome about poor Napoleon as he tried to build an empire. "able was I ere I saw elba". You too can still get the chop through faulty execution of your game plan. Be ever alert. Success belongs to the paranoid.

School Daze

2010-08-25T08:13:00.002-04:00

Ming is older than the students, their teachers and most of the buildings from which higher education spouts. In short, Ming can boast of the virtue of experience. Yet looking at sundry syllabuses of several such purveyors of pedagogical pap he is appalled.

Business students are fed a diet of management, marketing and malarkey. Liberal arts students ingest philosophy, political science and fanciful foolishness of every sort. Where are the courses that matriculating munchkins can use to survive once hatched and shoved out of their well feathered academic nests into the real world?

Are there are no courses in elementary backstabbing? Can't such inferior institutions offer up even one course in intermediate office politics?

Any neophyte landing in corporate America, academia, government or even a religious order such as the military needs to master the art of obsequious phraseology. "Great idea, sir". "You inspire me by your example, sir". Even the tried and true but much overrated, "Light your cigarette, sir?"

Careers are advanced most especially in social situations such as when on the golf course. Unfortunately, so-called institutions of higher learning never prepare one with career enhancing phrases such as, "Great shot sir" as the ball dribbles off the tee. Nor do they arm one with career makers such as, "Professional golf lost one of their great players when you went into ladies underwear , sir". (or whatever other banal business the clod has his grubby mitts in).

One sure winner that is always well received is the proven ploy,"Wash your balls, sir?(not to be used once in the locker room, except by the truly desperate climber of corporate ladders).

In sum, grinning like a mongoloid whilst abasing yourself to superiors is a truer barometer pointing towards material success than is reliance on what is laughingly called merit. Remember, you can always salve your bruised ego by taking it out on your hapless subordinates.

Ming Is Miffed

2010-07-30T19:12:00.002-04:00

Once again the Post Office has betrayed him. All week long he's been waiting for his invitation to arrive for the gala Chelsea Clinton wedding. There must be some snafu with those civil service laggards at the Post Office as they revel in their three hour breaks. There is absolutely no reason that the noble Ming shouldn't receive an invite if fast talking Eddie Mezvinsky got one.

You may remember that Fast Eddy did a nickel for scamming cash by touting his relationship with the Clintons way back when. He got out two years ago. That worked out to about $2 million a year. Eddie and Bill doubtlessly have much in common so if the fruit(that's Marc) hasn't fallen too far from the tree, there should be more headlines in the future especially since Chelsea is on the payroll of a hedge fund. We already know how they operate.

So now poor Ming has to take the bus to Rhinebeck on spec and hope he can shmooze his way past security. Won't Chelsea be surprised when Ming doesn't bring a gift. Serves her right. She'll be lucky if Ming doesn't wash his feet in the punch bowl.

Adults Are Still Nuts

2010-07-19T10:58:00.002-04:00

When you're a little kid you never know what will set an adult off. As an example, you could be minding your own business setting fire to a pile of milk crates(they were wooden back then), when some adult would start jumping up and down threatening you with dire consequences and awful forms of retribution. They'd do that even when it wasn't their own milk crates.

Now that Ming is impersonating an adult he still fails to understand their motivations. They'd rather be lied too egregiously by someone who smiles than told an unpleasant truth by a dour Casandra. They still cannot countenance behavior not congruent with their own understanding of propriety however shaky the quicksand upon which it's built.

At least when little Ming was running around shooting off cap pistols, squirting his water pistol at anything that moved and setting off firecrackers with abandon he wasn't stupid enough to actually try to kill anyone. Now whenever some Government says it's okay, adults armed with real guns go off and blithely kill strangers who of course try to return the compliment. Then again, back then Ming wasn't a mature adult. Maybe he still really isn't.

Pulling The Trigger On Trigger

2010-07-15T08:05:00.002-04:00

Ming must be slipping. They just sold at auction in NYC yesterday, the stuffed Trigger for $266,000. Why didn't Ming think of this first? Imagine what a stuffed Roy Rogers would have brought had Ming but acquired the original in a timely fashion. Even a nice mint condition stuffed Pat Butram or even a somewhat shopworn Gabby Hayes would have brought the big bucks for a deserving Ming.

If people want to buy back their childhood, Ming stands at the ready to accomodate them. Unless the noble Trigger was bought to make a buck in some wild west exhibit, it just highlights what dummies with more money than they need will do with it. How about $50,000 for a Mickey Mantle Topps rookie card? Mint condition, of course. Put another way, how much will you pay for a 2 5/8" x 3 3/4" piece of cardboard made in 1952? The same goes for the first Superman comic book etc. et nauseating cetra.

Ming has better things to do with his own money than indulge in such nonsense. Even now he's saving up just in case a Qipao worn by Anna May Wong in any of her movies should hit the market.

Mow Your Own Lawn

2010-07-08T08:50:00.002-04:00

Better yet, do something useful and dig it up and plant tomatoes instead. That way resources can be diverted from hauling tomatoes to market from the other side of the continent. It's the height of stupidity to plant grass, fertilize it, water it and then pay to have an illegal alien mow it, all the while complaining about our porous borders.

The Federal Government is certainly doing something. They are suing Arizona, complaining that all the illegal aliens Arizona will turn over for processing under their new law will clog the system. Besides doing their jobs would impinge on the constitutional right of said federal employees charged with stemming illegal immigration from downloading porn. How can they even find time to calculate the size of their pensions and health benefits to assure themselves that their sinecures still make those of the private sector pale in comparison?.

Ming plans to learn to speak Spanish. How hard could it be to learn if all those unskilled illegal aliens can speak it?

Some People Have Too Much Money

2010-06-28T07:05:00.003-04:00

Strange thing for capitalist oinker Ming to say but it's true. Some clod just paid $45,000 for Marilyn Monroe's chest Xrays when everyone knows they're not worth a penny more than $30,000.

As the years pass, fewer contemporaries of Ms. Monroe will be alive to care and eventually the value of such outre memorabilia will plummet. Who today would pay anything for the skeleton upon which Theda Bara used to pose? Theda who? See. That's Ming's point. Theda Bara was the original vamp and now you neither know nor care.

Eventually, those Xrays will be lost to the world as so many other things are that were once thought precious. Granduncle Phineas will croak and uncaring relatives going through his dross will send them to the dumpster unaware as to what they are or not caring even if they do know. Either that or they will be flogged in some obscure yard sale for pennies.

On the other hand, anything from the estate of Anna May Wong is worth millions but that's just Ming talking.

~#^%*!!# Mayans

2010-06-23T14:56:00.002-04:00

Just when Ming has DNDN, VHC and a few other such goodies all lined up in a row to see him through those golden years, the lousy Mayans decide that on December 21, 2012 that's the end of the World as we know it as the Sun's magnetic field reverses. The Olmecs have a lot to answer for too but that's another story.

Should their calculations be off a tad, Ming has decided the prudent thing to do is buy one banana at a time and cancel all subscriptions. The only thing left now is to figure out how to make the stray shekel off this tragedy.

Buying on the installment plan and maxing out those credit cards come readily to mind, but doing something that carries a minimum ten year sentence would also seem to have merit. So much to do. So little time.

Ming's Guide For Illegal Aliens Whose Status Is In Doubt

2010-05-24T13:32:00.003-04:00

What with the new law in Arizona, it's only a matter of time before other states also initiate legislation allowing authorities to question immigration status. Therefore it is incumbent on all illegal aliens of whatever nationality to be able to effectively impersonate native born Americans when subject to questioning.

Become conversant with the latest idiomatic expressions in use. When stopped immediately say, "twenty-three skidoo, small change".

Engage your interlocutor in small talk to gain his confidence. Allude to the national pastime by asking if he thinks Babe Ruth will win today's featured race at Aqueduct by hitting one out of the park.

Show him you belong to the in crowd by speculating whether Francis X. Bushman is likely or not to make a movie with Theda Bara anytime soon.

Allow him to understand you are really an American by making inquiries based upon personal care products Americans are likely to share knowledge of. Ask when was the last time he used a deodorant. Tell him he looks like he needs Viagra.

Lastly, always be sure to wear a baseball cap as does any red blooded American, preferably one that says Los Yankees.

Ming's Guide To The Perplexed

2010-05-21T19:40:00.002-04:00

It's finally come to this. You've run out of graduate degrees to pursue to stave off that hateful day that you have to actually begin earning a living. Some of you actually hope to succeed in a world that you'll be surprised to find doesn't care if you do or not. Worse yet, there are uncounted other wannabes out there willing to cheerfully, if not metaphorically, slit your dainty throat as you all scramble to knock each other off the corporate ladder.

Fear not. The one good thing you've managed to achieve in life is that you read Ming's blog. Ming will take you under his unwashed wing and cut through all the dross about ability, knowledge, hard work and all the other twaddle that counts for naught in order for you to succeed.

All you need do is inform all your actions with this one insight. Everyone, no matter how crusty their exterior, wants to be loved. Show your superordinates that you virtually worship them. That you think them wise, insightful and worthy of emulation.

Alright, that does usually take some acting given the run of the mill nincompoop that you'll be dealing with, but remember, we all act every day in every way anyway.

The saving grace, even should you not have mastered the Stanislavsky method is that people love it despite knowing it's blatant flattery. So take your cynical little sell out into that cold cruel world and spread the shmaltz with a heavy hand. Ming has spoken.

Ming Solves Oil Spill Fiasco

2010-05-10T06:43:00.002-04:00

Once again, it seems that only Ming has the answer to yet another world problem. Plugging the gushing oil leak is child's play if you have the mind of Ming.

All one need do is find a few thousand Americans on a high fiber diet. Position their posteriors over the hole and arm them with two ply toilet tissue. The stray paper towel would also be in order. This always works at Ming's house and should thoroughly plug the well in a trice.

All solid citizen Ming asks in recognition is a statue of himself striking a heroic pose to be situated on the North Lawn of the White House. Perhaps in honor of his achievement, said statue could more appropriately depict a grinning Ming crouched over while artfully wiping his derriere with some recent piece of legislation. You can bet that's what the stalwarts at British Petroleum are doing right about now.

Ming Ejected From Nike Headquarters

2010-05-01T07:24:00.002-04:00

Advertising mogul, Ming T. Merciless wanted to pitch Nike's business to help them leverage the latest fiasco with their star endorsement, Tiger Woods.

His "no can lose" advertising slogan, "People that can't make the cut, wear Nikes" featuring Tiger Woods grinning like a mongoloid(no audio since the poor slob can't enunciate too well which is why he never says much in any of his endorsements).

Surprisingly, the ingrates showed Ming the door as they carried him kicking and screaming off the premises. Lucky Ming's P.F. Keds still fit after all these years but they don't smell so good. Maybe Ming should just fish some sneakers off those telephone cables that teenagers throw each others sneakers over. He certainly won't be buying any Nikes anytime soon.

Peasant

2010-04-27T08:03:00.002-04:00

Yes you. Everyone that has a job or thinks they deserve one also thinks they are in the middle class. Balderdash says Ming. You are wallowing in wishful thinking. In reality you are the working poor and getting poorer by the day.

Inflation over the last generation makes your inflated salary worth no more than your grandfather's wage from wielding a pick and shovel when he washed ashore after fleeing some foreign sink hole. The tax brackets that now apply were meant for the rich in the preinflation era. Now they ensnare you, making the widow's mite that is laughably called your compensation "package" worth even less, net of taxes, than you thought.

Education is the answer say all the pundits. Horse pucky says Ming. College will saddle you(or your parents) with debt. Then the position for which your training qualifies you will be exported to wherever people work for less. Besides, B students work for C students and A students, lacking people skills are forced to teach at the institutions from which they graduate.

What to do? Ming, as always, has the answer. Pretend you are an unwashed immigrant. Having no credentials they are forced to do something useful and are usually paid in cash. Barbers, taxi drivers, restaurateurs etc. They then fiddle their taxes, keeping all their hard earned money and in ten years own mansions, late model cars and have no debt while you are forced to buy suits so you can sit under the fluorescents shuffling someone else's paper all day.

Maybe Ming should just blame the above peroration on that bad burrito now wending it's way through his system that peristalsis seems unwilling to push along, or maybe not.

Ming Solves Greek Debt Problem

2010-04-26T07:25:00.002-04:00

Yes, Ming hasn't posted to his blog recently because he's been going hammer and tongs with the Greek authorities negotiating a foolproof solution to their debt problem that won't cost them a penny.

Instead of dancing in the aisles and breaking plates in paroxysms of unbridled joy, these clods seem not to fully appreciate the opportunity Ming is trying to bestow on them.

All they need do is reduce the Parthenon into pieces small enough to fit into blister packs suitable for sale at supermarket checkout counters. These impulse sales of instant history evoking the Athens of Pericles is a sure winner and will erase those debts quicker than you can say hoopa. All Ming asks in return is the franchise rights to all giro souvlaki stands in the good old U.S.A.

Ming already knows that some crybabies will whine about despoiling Western Civilization's heritage. To that Ming gives the well reasoned response of PHOOEY. The pollution from auto emissions alone, in Athens is going to reduce the Parthenon to rubble in about ten more minutes anyway. Why not turn the quick buck before that happens? Besides, if this turns out to be a real winner, there's plenty of rubble in the Bronx that is available so that no history buff need be disappointed.

The Sap Runs In The Spring

2010-04-03T20:41:00.002-04:00

That means you. It's Spring and one of the places you are likely to run is to NYC. Hence, the kindhearted Ming offers the following admonitions to benighted tourists.

1) Don't stand at the edge of subway platforms. Perforce, potential pushers proliferate on platforms.

2) Don't ever stare anyone in the eye. A true native New Yorker will quickly punch your ticket with a song on their lips.

3) If attacked just act crazy. No one wants to deal with crazy people although achieving the requisite level of craziness to stand out from all the competition in NYC will not be easy. Practice in front of a mirror in the privacy of your own home before coming here.

4) Always trip on a registered pothole before attempting to sue the City. Under the NYC Pothole Law only irregularities in the street that have been reported but not repaired can result in the City being deemed negligent. This is the lawsuit capital of America and if NYC has any hopes of avoiding bankruptcy this law had to be enacted.

5) If a particularly shifty-eyed, impecunious, badly dressed and poorly groomed lout accosts you for spare change, before shoving him aside, be sure and ask if his name is Ming. He'll give you a good deal on "I Love New York" tschotskes.

It Just Gets Better And Better

2010-03-22T16:22:00.003-04:00

First they send Ming a letter telling him they are going to send him a letter. Then the Census Bureau Letter arrives. Now they are sending Ming a letter telling him that they sent him the letter that they promised to send him in their first letter.

They even ask if he responded although they probably haven't noticed they have questions that can't truthfully be answered until April 1st.

Maybe Ming should send them a letter telling them he will respond to their letter. Then, after he does respond, he can send them a letter asking if they received his response and maybe even then send a letter asking why they haven't responded to Ming's second letter.

And you want the Government to oversee your health care? You better like receiving letters.

Ming Gets Racist Hate Mail

2010-03-16T08:50:00.002-04:00

Yes, the Census Bureau has sent Ming the letter they threatened to send in their previous letter. They demand to know Ming's race, origin and every other thing they excoriate anyone else for asking who's not in the Government.

Why ask such things since in America, everyone is equal anyway unless they plan to make some more equal than others. Maybe they do this already. Witness the mortgage debacle. They already told Banks who they better lend to or else with the predictable results.

Maybe Ming should fill out the parts that are not in English. Maybe Ming should tell them he is a native american and they should just give him back his country or at least let him open up another casino.

All their meddling is divisive, counterproductive and as an aside, a big waste of time. Illegal aliens won't answer, can't answer or won't even get the form. Solid citizen Ming will answer and keep paying taxes so the glorious government can have the money to keep sending him more forms.

Maybe this is the answer to the unemployment problem. Government hires everyone to send each other forms to fill out. Everyone gets a paycheck and has money to spend. Only question left is where does Ming go to pick up his Noble Prize in Economics?

Your Government In Action

2010-03-08T18:50:00.002-05:00

Ming received a letter today from the Census Bureau alerting him to expect a letter from the Census Bureau and to not throw it away. Unless they expect Ming to loiter around the mailbox in anticipation, why not just send the next letter, form, booklet or whatever and tell him therein to not throw it away?

Now New York State wants to tax soda to both raise revenue and cut down on soda consumption to promote good health. These are mutually exclusive goals. More revenue requires more soda to be consumed. Better health means less gargling with soda and perforce less revenue.

Two years or so ago, New York State increased the convoluted instruction booklet and forms for individual income tax preparation to the degree it became telephone directory size. Now it's too expensive to send, so they create the equivalent of an Easter Egg hunt, telling you to go to the library to get the forms and instructions. How many people just now forget all about it and how does this serve to enhance their attempt to garner more taxes by not only making the filing more complicated but making the logistics more onerous as well?

One out of every seven people in this country work for the Government in one of it's many manifestations. Some are so loath to disengage from the Government mammary that they become double dippers. Twenty years in one pigeon hole and then twenty years in another. Two pensions to reward their sterling efforts.

Maybe this post should instead be entitled "Your Government Inaction"

Your Chance To Attain Immortality

2010-03-02T19:27:00.002-05:00

Don't go through your shabby existence collecting mere trifles. Man of the year awards, golfing trophies, honorable mentions. All such dross is ephemeral and soon forgotten after Sharon poles you across the river Styx. Latch onto something that will ensure posterity hasn't forgotten your wretched stay in this veil of tears.

Sign up now and for a nominal sum, Ming will name a pothole in the Bronx after you. Rest assured, a Bronx pothole is immortal. They are never filled. In fact, they grow larger with each passing year.

What more could you ever want than to have your name on the lips of every passing motorist whose alignment goes awry as they hurdle your very own pothole. "Damn that Harvey Slobnick pothole. That's the second time this week that Slobnick got me" or some such other epithet as your very own pothole is encountered.

Let it be written into the record that all those saps who get a star named after them will be livid with envy in the great hereafter as you proudly look down from whatever cloud you've been assigned to patrol and turn to them pointing with pride as your very own pothole causes yet another hub cab to disengage from some poor schemiel's car. You still count for something in the great scheme of things.

Be advised Ming takes only cash for this invaluable service. No checks. No Paypal and definitely no IOUs. After all, being counted amongst the immortals should cost something. Everything else does.

What's A Luge?

2010-02-13T10:19:00.002-05:00

This recent accident at the Winter Olympics leads a befuddled Ming to wonder where they come up with these "sporting" events. Ming has never even known a luger although he's seen many people cough up a lunger.

Why aren't these events geared to what people really do? Where is the turnstile jumping competition? How about the downslope pocket picking event? Isn't there a freestyle insult hurling or have they already conceded the trophy by default to NYC?

An intermural short changing competition by each country's leading supermarket checkout clerks would garner much interest as would the subway seat grabbing finals or the marathon taxi hailing event .

The whole Olympic idea is flawed. Ming has never hurled a javelin but he has hurled many an insult. Let's give Ming something he can relate to.

Free Enterprise Suffers Another Blow

2010-02-09T07:05:00.002-05:00

Apparently big business can't stand a little competition. That's why entrepreneur Ming and his twenty blankets were bounced off that plane yesterday.

It appears that a certain unnamed airline will now charge $8 for the use of a blanket on domestic flights. The clever Ming planned to undercut them by $3, charging a mere $5 and even tucking you in, gratis.

Naturally, the lullaby singing you to sleep is extra as is telling you a bedtime story. Ming even promises not to go through your pockets once you arrive in the land of nod. Let's see the airlines match that offer.

Screw Nietzsche

2010-01-29T19:35:00.002-05:00

This is what Ming gets for reading Friedrich Nietzsche's Die Frohliche Wissenschaft. His doctrine of eternal recurrence whereby we are all reborn over and over, doomed to relive our lives exactly as before is depressing.

After all, just think that each time you turn on the T.V. it's just like seeing a summer rerun every time.

Not to mention having to kill time standing on the same line in the supermarket while the cretin in front of you pays by laboriously writing a check time after time throughout eternity.

Ming refuses to even consider going to the Motor Vehicle Bureau more than once, let alone in every lifetime. Maybe Ming should just confine himself to reading comic books and watching porno. Although one always has to be sure and see porno from the start, otherwise it's nearly impossible to follow the plot.

.

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Stretching Ming's Credulity Until It Snaps

2010-01-29T18:42:00.002-05:00

Science must really think that Ming is a real sucker and will swallow anything just because it's scientific. Now they try to convince him that DNA evidence shows that George Stephanopoulos and Hillary Clinton are cousins.

They might as well say that Pu Yi, last emperor of the Qing Dynasty was related to Marilyn Monroe. Although now that Ming thinks about it, both did get screwed royally so they did have that in common.

Science is always toying with Ming's mind to the degree that he can't eat anything without feeling guilty about it. They feed some mouse the human equivalent of a 55 gallon drum of butter. The mouse barfs it up and they tell you that clearly, butter's not good for you.

Next, as improbable as it may now seem, they'll tell Ming that eating a few pounds of chocolate covered herring for breakfast is somehow deleterious to his weight and well being. Balderdash!!! It even tastes better with Boscoe.

No Good Deed Remains Unpunished

2010-01-29T08:44:00.002-05:00

You can bet your bottom zlotnick that this is the last time Ming tries to help out. In an attempt to get in out of the rain, Ming attended a book signing at one of those chains of bookstores that unlike real bookstores, all have the same books no matter which one you go to.

Still, Ming saw there was a lot of work to do, so he graciously pitched in. Then pandemonium broke out. Even though he was signing the right names to the proper books, Ernest Hemingway in Of Time And The River, William Faulkner in Absalom, Absalom and Joseph Conrad in Victory, they somehow took umbrage and bounced poor Ming out on his keister.

Ming has learned his lesson. From now on, when in a bookstore, he'll sign the books using his real name just like the person at the table with the long line does.

Who Knew It Was This Simple?

2010-01-28T09:18:00.003-05:00

Here in NYC they are closing several public schools because results are not up to par. What an epiphany for Ming. It's the building's fault. Maybe the water fountains don't work. If we put the same students and the same teachers in another building, clearly, the results must improve.

To close a building because of what goes on there and to expect a different result because of it could only work if you are referring to the United Nations building, and then only if you seal it up with all the "diplomats" inside. Admittedly the escort industry(a polite euphemism) would also suffer a huge setback but Ming is sure their customer base would come again.

Increase In Terrorist Threat Level

2010-01-22T18:17:00.002-05:00

They tell everyone to be vigilant. Ming is still laughing at the local authorities in NYC from back when they admonished the populace when riding the subways to report anyone that looked suspicious.

Have any of these "authorities" ever ridden the subway? Everyone looks suspicious. If they don't look suspicious, that's suspicious.

Not too long ago, Ming was riding in the first car, up front. Some guy was standing there looking out at the tracks comming up, talking to himself. Note. That is not suspicious. That is normal in the subway. What was suspicious was that he was interrogating himself all they way from lower Manhattan to the North Bronx.

What did she say to you? What did you say back? Then what happened? Did you tell her what she could do? etc. etc. ad infinitum, ad nauseum. It was so distracting, Ming could hardly hear himself talk to himself.

The Mafia Needs A Few Good Men

2010-01-12T09:04:00.002-05:00

Given the current economic climate, why waste time and money getting an education only to find jobs don't exist or that they will be outsourced overseas? Join an organization that has proven it's staying power in every economic environment. It's easy. No education required. In fact educated applicants are looked upon with suspicion. Pick up an application in almost any candy store in the Bronx and Brooklyn today.

For those too cheap to buy the cram course, Ming graciously provides several of the most asked questions you are likely to see on your application.

Wazza you name?

Wazza you cousins names?

You can showa da respect?

Uzza likka da money?

Howza you bocce ball game?

Multiple choice; You getta caught. Do you
a)Ratta out uzza paisanos
b)Takka da beating and keepa you mouth shut
c)Writta da book after conviction

Note that the successful applicant will be required to hang around candy stores all day randomly grabbing their crotch and shouting "hey chickee, chickee" to all passing females under the age of 70. Murdering your best friend when told to will also be requisite. Willingness to hold car doors for the Don is a plus. Small matters when considering the Mafia has an excellent dental plan, three weeks vacation and is off most holidays. Good luck to all applicants.

The Decline Of American Manhood

2010-01-06T20:42:00.002-05:00

Ming is chagrined when seeing couples being interviewed on T.V. on vitually any subject. The wife is official spokesperson bellowing all manner of drivel in stentorian tones that brooks no challenge. The schlemiel on her left just stands there like the dummy he clearly is. If he has the temerity to even squeek, the haridan immediately overtalks him and with trembling chin he subsides into meek silence.

Ming bets that after a hard day on the couch watching his ill-fated stock picks on CNBC get crushed, he doesn't even have the courage to demand a hot meal be brought him after his wife comes home from work.

All this is now at an end. As a public service Ming is offering his King of the Castle audio tapes on the internet. Memorize the entire peroration. You are the King. She is but a vassal whose only function is to cater to your every whim etc. etc. Learn to say no when she wants her odious mother over for the Holidays. Learn to cut her household allowance when you need emergency beer money when you and your bar buddies want to go hunting.

Order now and we'll include a first aide kit with butterfly bandages for use when those flying ashtrays and dishes hit their mark. But that's not all. Mention Ming and our operators, who are now on standby, will give the first 100 callers all the necessary forms for that do-it-yourself divorce she keeps shouting about.

Remember, order now and you really got it coming.

Alas, Poor Eldrick

2010-01-05T14:16:00.003-05:00

Kiss those royalties goodbye. That Annie Leibovitz photo adorning the cover of this month's Vanity Fair will put paid to any future Tiger Woods endorsements. One doubts if that is the sort of image the great man was flogging to all his worshipful fans. Perhaps his marketability to the sneaker crowd or afficionados of Ring Magazine remains undiminished but other than that, only condom manufacturers can get a rise out of his new image.

Ming Demands Job As Head Of Homeland Security

2010-01-02T20:02:00.003-05:00

Why is it that only Ming is capable of solving all the World's problems? Even the layabouts down at the barbershop says that's so. In fact, in a spare moment and without much thought, Ming has arrived at a foolproof solution to the airline security problem.

Allow anyone at all on planes. However, everyone boarding a plane must be both bald and naked. Naturally a fluffer must be in attendance before every flight to ensure the hirsute are not beating around the bush, so to speak, by secreting an H bomb or, heaven forfend, even a nasty nail clipper in all that foliage.

This would also have the ancillary benefit of encouraging would-be air travelers to attempt to become more buff if only to avoid the sneers of their fellow passengers. That in turn could reduce the Nation's medical expenses as the morbidly obese begin to lose weight that leads to all those nasty degenerative medical conditions.

It's axiomatic that President Obama is an avid reader of Ming's blog as are you. As such, it's merely a matter of time before he bounces Napolitano out on her well endowed keister and Ming is appointed head of Homeland Security.

Ming Is Relegated To The Crawl

2010-01-02T19:49:00.002-05:00

No, not the pub crawling that you so unfairly insinuate Ming is prone to. Ming is alluding to the pap that passes for news on network television. While the well coiffed talking heads are engaging in feeble ad-libs to garner more camera time, Ming is left to squint at the crawl beneath, fraught with misspelling, to ferret out any real news.

They regale viewers with twaddle on the latest contratemps of Hollwood has-beens and wannabes while "WWIII breeks(sic) out" is crawling across the bottom of the screen. Ming supposes he'll just have to learn arabic in hopes that al jazeera still hasn't gone the way of the major news networks.

Beating Around The Bush

2009-12-26T07:10:00.002-05:00

Where does it all end? First one feeble-minded clod tries to detonate some sort of firecracker in his shoe while on an airline flight. After which, everyone has to take their shoes off for inspection before boarding future flights.

Now some other misguided cretin secreting a detonatable powder in and around his groin area tries to ignite that on an airplane. Care to guess what Homeland Security is going to want to inspect next before each flight?

Let the patriotic Ming be the first to enlist for service in the new pubic police. Since it's an indisputable fact that women are more cunning than are men, then clearly women require the most intense scrutiny. Surely, Ming can do the most for his country by confining his insections to this area's area.

One can only hope the cadre of creeps that are hired for this err...new position will not suffer budgetary constraints. Only the best high powered magnifiers will do.

Dipping Into The Egg Nog

2009-12-25T08:51:00.002-05:00

Ming reluctantly agrees that 23 egg nogs at the office Christmas party was perhaps one or two more than he should have quaffed. It was at that point that Ming started to wax philosophical. He was going on rhetorically asking what could possibly be bigger than this crazy world in which we find ourselves having to negotiate when someone said Uranus is 14 times bigger.

An offended Ming then said that his didn't look exactly tiny either. Things escalated from there and the last thing Ming remembers before passing out was being escorted out to the curb and deposited along with his Santa hat in a very unpleasant pile of New York City slush.

Next time Ming will confine himself to drinking Virgin Marys and hope that doesn't draw him into any discussions about religon.

It's Old But It Still Works

2009-12-23T16:54:00.002-05:00

Want to sell bags of fingernail clippings? Tired of paying rent on that warehouse full of Nehru jackets? All that dreck and more can be easily sold with T.V. advertising.

The only stipulation is that your spokesperson have a British accent. We're not talking cockney or some other truncated versions of English speech. What is needed is the dulct tones of the upper class. It also doesn't hurt if your speaker looks the part. You're not going to get many orders for your matching set of crocheted tea cosies if Danny DeVito is flogging them on air even if he could affect an English accent.

To ensure solid sales, always advertise late at night. The lack of sleep makes insomniacs particularly vulnerable to soothing sales pitchs.

So old chap, who says reading Ming's eructations doesn't reap big dividends?

Global Warming Is Killing Poor Ming

2009-12-20T14:30:00.002-05:00

After just having shoveled out from the latest nor'easter, an exhausted Ming wonders how much worse it might have been without the horrors of global warming. Thank goodness, the President's plane just got through the blizzard from his keynote speech at the Global Warming Conference.

Of course, there's no point in embarrassing anyone by reminding them that the Middle Ages was warmer all without the benefits of burning fossel fuel assuming you don't count cow paddies.

Ming cleverly plans to turn the proverbial lemons into lemonade by selling beachfront property in Arizona to Al Gore and all his worshipful cohorts. With every lot sold he'll even give them dibs on any penguins that might float ashore.

Billy Mays Here

2009-12-18T13:54:00.002-05:00

Ming just saw a T.V. commercial for something called Jupiter Jack. It purports to be a speaker phone attached to the car radio making holding a cell phone while driving unnecessary.

It's spokesperson Billy Mays is shown driving a car and declaring he always uses the Jupiter Jack when on the road. Shouldn't a dead person's driver's license be revoked? Ming has nothing against Billy Mays earning a living. Some people even make more money dead than alive. Witness Elvis Presly and Michael Jackson. But it seems unsafe to let a dead person tool around in a car even if both hands are on the wheel thanks to Jupiter Jack.

Then there's the question as to if it's morally right to keep charging road tolls to the dead, even, for instance, if they still are allowed to vote should they hail from Chicago.

Redeeming Tiger's Image

2009-12-16T07:13:00.002-05:00

Remember when in 1957 little Benny Hooper fell into that 21 foot deep irrigation well and the 24 hour long rescue by digging a second parallel hole became national news? This very same drama can now work to the noble Tiger's advantage.

With no one looking, he can dump one of his kiddies in a well and garner an outpouring of sympathy in his role as a concerned parent during the rescue attempt. Who could be so hard-hearted as to not empathize with our hero? All his peccadilloes will be forgiven and forgotten. His image will be redeemed and he'll be back on the links as soon as he signs a few autographs for the investigators from Child Protective Services.

Hitting a tiny ball with a variety of sticks for an adoring public,a little better than most other people, is what it's really all about, isn't it? Nothing should ever be considered more important than that.

Dolt!!!

2009-12-15T07:24:00.002-05:00

How can you continue to sit there on your fat keister doing nothing when, day after day, your darling spouse goes on and on about how she should have married Stanley Dreckmeister, the Porta-Potty king of northern New Jersey or some such other winner.

Show her that you too can become a captain of industry. Get in on the ground floor of Ming's sure-fire new mail order sensation, dwarf fruit trees. Even as you read this, Ming is working on the prototype for this new blockbuster. Admittedly, he hasn't yet figured out how to get dwarfs to grow on trees nor can he guarantee that any of them will be fruits once they do, but with the proceeds of your investment , Ming will be able to procure enough additional trees to ensure that your investment will be a shady one.

Show your wife, once and for all, what kind of person she really married. Mortgage your home and send the proceeds to Ming at once. Tell her nothing until you hear from Ming that our efforts bore fruit. Until then, let this be our own delicious secret, safe in the knowledge that once she does find out she will laud you for your efforts the rest of your life.

Ingrates!!!

2009-12-14T06:53:00.002-05:00

No, not you, gentle readers. It's Ming's neighbors who fail to appreciate all that he's done for them. Only yesterday his pet tapir escaped yet again and being hungry, quite naturally, managed to devour several local preschool moppets left unattended by their careless parents.

One would have thought those very same parents would be lining up to kiss Ming's hand and other portions of his anatomy for having saved them the proverbial bundle in future college costs. Only through the good offices of Ming going through the expense of having kept a pet tapir will they now be able to avoid the criminal financial exactions and burdens of what is a glorified high school's exercise in prolonged adolescence.

Yet, instead of approbation, Ming is now subject to opprobrium. You just can't fathom how some people think.

Ming Receives Myriad Requests to Continue Blogging

2009-12-13T07:34:00.002-05:00

Yes, Sam Myriad keeps asking Ming to blog but the demands of his new book "Ming's Guide To The Perplexed" has crowded out all other endeavors to date. Now that the reviews have come pouring in he can return to generating more mind rotting blogs. Some of those kind reviews are shown below for your delectation.

I lacked tenacity until reading your book. Then a light bulb came on. Tommy Edison Menlo Park N.J.

No one thought I was smart enough to cross streets by myself, until your book gave me the courage to try. Al Einstein Princeton N.J.

I almost gave up before reading your fine book. G. Washington Valley Forge P.A.

My careet was in a shambles before I took your advice. Now I own a successful string of Kosher restaurants in South America. Marty Borman Asunsion Paraguay

I suffered horrible scarring from smallpox at the age of seven. When ten, an untreated arm injury left it three inches shorter than my other arm and I lost use of my hand. Only your guidance allowed me to ultimately reach my full potential despite my handicaps. Joseph Vissarionovich Djugashvili(but all my pals now just call me Stalin)

Yes dear reader, all you need do is send Ming your life savings and your own life will be changed forever. Remit funds to I've Got Mine Publishers, C/O General Post Office Eighth Avenue New York, N.Y. Ming will send your copy of "Ming's Guide To The Perplexed" in a plain brown envelope. This time, let's not make it easy for the Postal Inspectors.

Good News For Tiger

2009-12-02T14:07:00.002-05:00

He's already landed several lush endorsement deals predicated on his latest efforts.

For the Notell Motel; "To everyone else, I'm Tiger Woods, but to the discrete Notell Motel, I'll always be John Smith. Try their "quickie" registration today and be sure to ask for those low, low hourly rates".

For the Lettuce Inn and Riding Academy; "If you have the lettuce that I do, you're always in at the lettuce in. Saddle up today. All special requests receive careful consideration from our staff of experienced equestrians."

Hence the old bromide, all publicity is good publicity.

How To Carve And Serve Your Thanksgiving Turkey

2009-11-14T19:05:00.003-05:00

You might as well get some practical use from reading Ming's blog so the least Ming can do is get you through that annual ritual without too much embarrassment.

1) Insert knife between leg and body(the turkey's not yours)

2) After fifteen minutes of unavailing effort, stop cursing and pull the legs and wings off with those rusty pliers you keep under the sink

3) Next insert your cocktail glass into the cavity and start scooping out stuffing.

4) After that, stick your hand in and take out the gizzard wrapped in butcher paper that you forgot was there before inserting the bird in the oven

5) At this point you are ready to ask your relatives if they can do any better

6) Depending on the response, you now have a judgement call as to whether or not to declare a food fight

7) At no point should you make the error of admitting that this was really a chicken that you thought was good enough for them

8) Once the decibel level rises to the level that neighbors summon the police as you are once again denounced for ruining yet another happy holiday, grab what's left of the holiday cheer and lock yourself and it in the bathroom

"Up A Spanking 62.4%"

2009-10-31T18:24:00.003-04:00

That's how Alan Abelson described one of his sources in Barrons this week after admitting the fellow was down 35% in the prior year. Now deducting 35% from 100%, then increasing the remaining 65% by 62.4% results in 105.56%. Thus over a two year span, that worthy earned an astounding 2.28% a year.

Ming can hardly wait to pillage his piggy bank giving that clod funds to invest. Sometimes meatball mathematics should be examined with a jaundiced eye to see just how badly investment gurus do. At least that fellow stayed around to recoup his losses. Most hedge fund honchos close up shop only to open new funds so as to not have to get back to zero before collecting their 20% fees on net gains taxable at capital gains rates rather than ordinary income rates which such fees are, all such treatment courtesy of their lobbyists' efforts in Washington.

Only Megalomaniacs Need Apply

2009-10-19T08:54:00.002-04:00

Want to be important but have no accomplishments to buttress that desire? Want to control people but have no money to influence their behavior? Want adulation but don't even remotely deserve any? Ming has the answer for you.

Run for public office. Promise the Great Unwashed whatever they want to hear. Lie shamelessly. Remember, the bigger the lie, the less likely it will be dismissed as an untruth. Most people still have a tenuous hold on reality and cannot envision anyone so flagrantly sporting with the truth so they tend to believe a really big lie.

It is clear that anyone that wants public office is unworthy of holding public office because their motives are so very impure bordering if not exceeding the pathological. So vote for Ming. He is impelled by everything that motivates your garden variety politician and then some. This could be your last chance to get a really good philosopher king that has all the answers. Don't wait. Vote now and vote often even if you don't live in Chicago.

Good News

2009-10-13T18:59:00.003-04:00

Billy Mays lives. Ming just saw a T.V. advertisement for something improbably called The Big City Slider Station. There was Billy, annoying falsetto and all, flipping hamburgers and inveigeling you to send for some crappy gadget for those of you too challenged to shape a hamburger pattie on your own. But that's not all. He'll also send you another perfectly useless gadget designed to slice your fingers for those few of you too poor to own a knife. Just pay the exorbitant shipping and it's yours free.

Only in America can you keep on earning money after you're dead. In fact, Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley cleverly made their best career moves after their demise.
Who knows how much you can make after you're gone. Bet you just can't wait to find out.

The Noble Nobel

2009-10-10T11:06:00.002-04:00

Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, better known as the Mahatma or Great Soul never won the Nobel Peace Prize. He was nominated more than once, but never won. To garner the answer to this paradox, Ming had to finally fall back on that time honored cliche upon which all decision making bodies operate. Form over substance. They couldn't get the guy to wear a tuxedo. After all, whose going to stand around dressed to the nines to hand off an award to someone who shows up in their underwear? Q.E.D.

How Do They Know?

2009-10-06T09:19:00.002-04:00

True story. Ming was at the newsstand in the Path train station two levels below the street at the former World Trade Center site trying to read a newspaper without paying for it when some tourist asked if he was a New Yorker. She wanting directions to Battery Park which the gracious Ming gallantly provided without even mugging her.

The question is how did she know? Admittedly, Ming says earl when he means oil and oil when he means earl but she couldn't have known that. Was it Ming's shifty look? Was it his ability to snarl without provication? On the other hand, Ming can always spot a tourist. They all look like refugees from some toothpaste commercial and actually try to look people in the eye. Some of them even smile which no real New Yorker would ever do in mixed company let alone in public.

Ming is now practicing in front of the mirror saying things like "gosh", "howdy", "excuse me" and other things New Yorkers would never say so he doesn't stand out should he ever venture west of the Hudson River.

Strange Pleasures

2009-09-25T11:23:00.002-04:00

Notorious nickel nurser Ming T. Merciless has the habit of auditing his customer receipt after having reluctantly purchased unnecessary luxury goods such as food. Invariably, at the bottom of the receipt the checkout cashier's first name is given with the assertion that, and Ming quotes, "It's been my pleasure to serve you".

Now either this person has a very limited social life outside the confines of their checkout counter or this is pure balderdash. As much as Ming wants to believe that anyone coming in contact with his person in whatever capacity will take great pleasure in that event, he reluctantly has to conclude that it's the latter possibility that obtains.

Additionally, based on the human interactions afforded Ming here in his beloved New York throughout his life to date, and in the interests of accuracy, that receipt would more appropriately provide the cashier's first name and their sincere hope that customer Ming would heed the injunction to "stick it in your ear". At least then, at least, truth would be well served.

Civil War Soldier Found In Maryland To Be Honored

2009-09-16T07:47:00.002-04:00

That's the headline Ming saw and his first reaction was, at least they should buy the poor slob a good steak dinner to make up for the political blowhards honoring him with boring speeches. Then Ming speculated that since the guy must be at least 165, he probably couldn't even gum the steak.

High school dropout Ming is beginning to become suspicious that journalism school is beginning to turn out illiterate dummies based not only on all the misspelling one sees on the crawls beneath T.V. newscasts but on headlines like the one above. Had the headline began with "Remains of.." then the befuddled Ming would not only have not been confused but would not be writing this screed and you, gentle reader, would not be as bored as you now are after having read poor Mings eructations.

China Retaliates

2009-09-14T06:34:00.002-04:00

The excise tax that the U.S. has imposed on tire imports from The Peoples Republic has infuriated the Chinese Politburo. Head of Politburo, Wei Fuk Yu, vows to bring America to it's knees, swearing to cut off all exports to the U.S. of chinese finger puzzles.

Fuk yu, as he'd be known to his friends, if he had any, is apoplectic and also threatens to curtail export to America of all golf ball washers. "Let them play with their dirty balls" cackles Wei as he personally demonstrates the new top-of-the-line ball washer on his own balls to the admiration of all reporters in attendance who curry favor by complimenting him on the size of his own set. Wei is widely acknowledged to have more golf balls than anyone in Government service.

Wei bemoans the effect the drop in tire sales will have on the domestic paper mache industry, saying "If they don't want our crappy tires then we don't want their crappy chickens who crap all over everything. We institute new law with catchy name like Smoot-Hawley Act that solve everything". This is the sort of crappy response that brought on the great depression.

Only If They Appear In Their Underwear

2009-09-04T15:55:00.003-04:00

Ever notice that CNBC's guests all look like they were sent over from central casting? Why should the suspicious Ming take stock advice from some clod forced to get up early, put on a suit and tie and then schlep over to CNBC to be insulted by Joe Kernan? If he was any good he'd have made enough money not to have to do all that.

Yet when one of these "experts" such as Byran Wien, David Rosenberg etc. lose their sinecure, they land somewhere else toot de suite rather than staying home and trading for their own account while sitting there comfortably in their underwear.

Ming will only take seriously a guest who refuses to be interviewed anyplace but at home while sitting in their underwear preferably with some curvaceous cutie half their age ensconced on their lap running her fingers across his bald pate. Now that's someone whose advice can be relied on because it has paid off.

"A Rose Is A Rose Is A Rose"

2009-08-27T14:34:00.003-04:00

With apologies to Gertrude Stein's Sacred Emily, but anointing new pharmaceuticals with unpronounceable, impossible to remember names with little, if any nexus to the product bearing that name is counterproductive.

In this, the enterprising Ming sees opportunity. Understanding that names must be unique to be copyrighted, there remains no reason that names cannot still be evocative.

Ming's new service, "What's In A Name?" is now available to any Pharma about to flog an as yet, unnamed product. Ming will provide a unique name, one that is memorable and most importantly, one easily associated with the malady at hand.

Have a new palliation for diarrhea? "Canit" is the name to use.

Creating a nostrum for weak bladders? Label your product "Nowee".

Developing a product to fight flatulence? "Notme" is the answer.

Ming hopes his "no money back" policy will do much to thwart unnecessary lawsuits from disgruntled Pharmas with lousy products and no sense of humor.

No One Listens To Ming

2009-08-24T07:14:00.002-04:00

Ming said, "Abe, why not stay home and work on the stamp collection tonight. Our American Cousin got lousy reviews anyway". Lincoln didn't listen.

Ming said, "Georgie, better you should take the Civil Service Exam and get a nice, safe Post Office sinecure". Custer didn't listen.

More recently, Ming was quaffing a brewsky in the Burger Brau Keller when he told some loudmouth he could do better by going to America and opening a nice kosher deli in the Bronx. Adolf paid him no mind.

Now Ming advises all reading this screed to prepare for the next down leg in the economy, the stock market and the general standard of living .

As soon as the next leg down in the market ensues, you'd be well served going long the FAZ which is a triple short of all NASDAQ stocks. Naturally, no one will listen to Ming.

Put A Smile On Your Face

2009-08-17T08:57:00.002-04:00

Ever wonder what makes other people smile? After much due diligence Ming has found the answer. Criminal indictment.

Sir Allen Stanford in shackles giving a cheery thumbs up for the camera. Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco $10,000 shower curtain and $6000 umbrella stand fame grinning like a mongoloid as he enters the Courthouse.

It's patently obvious that if you ever hope to achieve happiness in this veil of tears, you must first aspire to criminal indictment.

Thus Ming enjoins you to go out there and rob, steal, defalcate, abscond with regimental funds and yes, even spit on the sidewalk if you ever hope to reach nirvana.

Of course be sure and send Ming his cut before you're found out since the ever dour Ming can best be cheered up by folding green.

Ming Cashes In On Health Care

2009-08-13T07:13:00.002-04:00

Connoisseur of the fast buck, Ming T. Merciless has been pouring over the new health care legislation looking for opportunity.

That's why Ming is now investing in ice houses. Someone has to make all those ice floes that senior citizens are going to be on when they're floated out to sea.

Ming also plans to franchise across the country his new Plug Pulling Service for those medical personnel too squeemish to pull the cord.

Likewise, since trained doctors will be superfluous in making end of life decisions which will soon be based on government guidelines, his trained end of life counselors will stand at the ready offering low cost alternatives ranging from the garrote to the ever popular gas pipe.

Fortunately for the enfeebled geriatrics in Congress, they have their own health plan which is much more understanding of the vicissitudinous vagaries of old age.

Merely Mail Ming Money

2009-08-10T08:50:00.002-04:00

Make mucho money mastering market moves mimicking Ming's mulcting machinations. Why wade through interminable commercials on Tout T.V. just to glean the stray stock recommendation? Ming does all the work for you. All you need do is send Ming money and receive Ming's Magic Market Money Maker", a copyright distillation of all bullish prognostications from major media mavens.

Now you can blithely disregard the observation that the current 50% rally replicates the 1930 48% rally preceding the next plunge in the market. You can cavalierly forget about the dismal unemployment situation(artfully massaged by the Government to show a positive skew). Laughingly overlook corporate profits which are just a function of cost cutting(already artfully pictured as positive by serendipitous reduction in analyst expectations). Cheerfully overlook dismal real estate values, defaults and dormant construction. Happily ignore ballooning federal deficits and the collapsing dollar.

Rely instead on the recommendations of sell side analysts on T.V. whose firm's front run those recommendations for a quick trade. Most of all, rely on honest newsletter purveyors such as Ming, to guide your faltering footsteps.

When sending in your payment(cash always given priority), be sure to label your payment clearly as being for "Ming's Market Money Maker" so Ming doesn't inadvertently send you "Ming's Lucky Lotto Dream Decoder" or his equally popular Ming's Guide To Manipulating Slot Machines".

Our operators are now on standby to take your order. Mention Ming and receive your free guide to "Surviving On Social Security". But that's not all. The first 500 callers will receive a complementary tin cup and one dozen pencils to foil panhandling accusations by the authorities for those implementing the bullish recommendations distilled from Tout T.V. Call now. What do you have to lose except more money?

Ming Cures Economic Malaise

2009-08-07T07:59:00.002-04:00

Intrigued by the putatively successful "cash for clunkers" program, Ming has an epiphany. Arm every disgruntled kiddie and other such chronic malcontent with a bag of rocks sending them out to break every window in the country. This not increases employment but the massive outlay to replace all those windows should stimulate the economy to the degree that prosperity cannot then be avoided.

Ming's only question is where does he have to go to pick up his Nobel Prize in Economics?.

Everything Was Going So Well

2009-08-03T10:49:00.002-04:00

Then Ming's parents said tomorrow he's to start kindergarten. It's been all downhill from there.

It's tough finding out you're no longer the center of the universe. That's why everyone scrambles to get rich, become famous, excel at something or anything and do everything else that we all do.

No matter how old and jaded we become, it's still all about, "Hey mommy, look at me".

The basis of all action is the seeking of love, no matter how we pervert that desire into the actions we take or the self-destructive devices we find to seek solace.

After much introspection, Ming has finally found the answer. Reject all worldly goods and conceits. Retire to a mountaintop with several cases of Reddi-Wip, Little Debbie Cream Cakes and find Nirvana or a case of diabetes, whichever comes first.

Use Your Head

2009-07-26T17:12:00.002-04:00

Once again, Ming takes precious time from his lucrative financial endeavors to solve your problems despite missing out to others on all those stray deposit cans and bottles.

Illegal immigration. Tax evasion. National security. Ming solves them all in one simple solution. A bar code tattooed on your forehead. No tattoo or an unauthorized bar code and you're bounced out of the Country. All income is coded in on receipt and all payments get coded out on payment. Just extend your forehead to be scanned. Likewise, access to any venue will require scanning thus ensuring that no terrorist can assume your identity.

As to any thoughts on abridgment of your freedoms, you've lost that fight long ago.

Ming had originally postulated that the most appropriate location for these bar codes would be your posterior if only because there's so much more room to store information but his survey shows that cellulite tends to make the bars wavy thus foiling proper scanning by all such devices developed to date.

Get Screwed By Ming

2009-07-26T14:21:00.002-04:00

This is the chance of a lifetime to get Screwed. Send now for Ming's new board(bored?) game, Screwed.

Just as in real life you roll the dice to see if you're screwed. Land on the solid citizen square and buy into the system. Spend money getting a higher education. Get a position in corporate America. Pay unconscionable rates of taxation. See your 401(k) get ravished in a crooked stock market. Get laid off in your prime as corporations downsize and die in penury.

Conversely, land on illegal immigrant and wash ashore. Being devoid of credentials you are reduced to doing something useful. Mow lawns, drive cabs. Once you receive enough cash income on which you neglect to pay taxes, open a barber shop or bodega. Collect more cash and instead of paying taxes, buy rental property collecting still more lovely untraceable cash. After ten years retire in your suburban mansion and be revered as a success.

Ming's game is educational and can be played by anyone. Play by the rules and lose. Flout the rules and win. As the T.V. commercial says,"What's in your wallet?".

Michael Milken Milked Manuscript

2009-07-12T20:20:00.003-04:00

The cranky Ming is tired of hearing how the great Michael Milken created the idea that a portfolio of high yield junk bonds can be a superior investment what with the excess yield more than covering defaults.

Let it be written into the record that as a student at Berkeley, he came across a study by W. Braddock Hickman evaluating companies with poor credit ratings. It was Hickman who concluded that a diversified portfolio of these instruments was relatively safe and threw off a high yield.

A.T. Atkinson extended that study to 1944-1965 with the same results. Milken was just a salesman hawking the ideas of someone else.

As with most things in life, the creator, discoverer or pioneer gets an arrow in his back and the guy that comes along after the heavy lifting has been done garners the rewards. Pioneers such as Daniel Boone, George Rogers Clark and Simon Kenton died broke just as many will do who originally saw merit and invested in future successful biotechs which initially stumbled(or were pushed) to their financial detriment while later investors reap the easy profits once their innovations bear fruit.

105 Free Meals

2009-07-07T18:52:00.002-04:00

That caught Ming's attention. Apparently, some dieting company advertises on television that they'll send you frozen meals. You eat them and lose weight. To suck you in they also promise to send 105 extra meals.

Ming admits to having the stray extra pound or fifteen and figures this is a winner. Assuming he can scarf down ten or twenty of these suckers a day over a five day period, he should lose all that extra weight quickly. After all,without a freezer, those meals would only have melted anyway.

Even if it doesn't work out, with all those overweight people signing on, investing in shares of whatever company makes stomach pumps is a sure winner. You really don't think all those tubbies, once given access to 105 free meals are going to pace themselves do you?

Topical Stamp Collectors Rejoice

2009-07-06T06:14:00.002-04:00

No longer need your collecting efforts be confined to mundane topics such as birds, flowers, trains, planes etc. on stamps. With the soon to be approved Michael Jackson stamp you can be the first collector in your stamp club to collect pedophiles on stamps.

It's been said that one can learn much about a society by it's art. It's also been said that a society chooses stamps as one vehicle to highlight to the world all it holds dear.

No longer need we be confined to pictures of dead presidents or champions of liberty on our stamps. No longer must we pay tribute to such jaded shibboleths as Arbor Day or military victories such as Iwo Jima.

The greatest selling adhesive was the Elvis stamp. Let's honor what sells. Proudly use the Michael Jackson stamp on all your correspondence and let the world see what you stand for. Can a stamp honoring bestiality be far behind?

We Have A Winner

2009-06-29T19:16:00.002-04:00

This year's winner of the "Not Even Ming Could Come Up With Something This Stupid Award" is Chiaobama. All you need do is google chiaobama and the websight you get will afford you the opportunity to order either or both the Happy and/or the Cheerful Obama. Water the statue's head and grow green chia on it.

Walgreen's has already recalled this gem of poor taste but it's still available on Amazon.com, the website cited above and is advertised on television.

Now that Billy Mays has gone, standards have become yet lower and much like the old Batman T.V. series it's hard to make fun of something that seems to satirize itself.

A Clarion Call To Better Health

2009-06-24T08:36:00.002-04:00

The virtuous Ming has no desire to subsidize universal health care for lazy, loutish, lackaday losers who refuse to preserve their health.

Most people can barely waddle into supermarkets to buy their extra large bags of Cheese Doodles after prying themselves out of their autos with spatulas. They endlessly scheme until awarded the much sought after handicap sticker so as to avoid walking those extra ten paces.

They compound the effects of their sloth by shoving anything that doesn't move into their cake holes after which they demand the Government pay for palliations of the degenerative medical conditions that their lifestyles have earned them.

Let them instead take a leaf from Ming's book. Subway turnstile jumping can keep one agile. Running builds stamina when others call, "stop thief". Eating only what fits into your pockets at the hors d'oeuvres table from the parties you crash or the yummies you scrounge from your favorite dumpster will help keep you svelte and save you mucho coin besides.

Unfortunately, the only way most people will ever exert themselves while avoiding snacks is if they are placed on a treadmill with a dollar bill just out of reach.

A Pickpocket's Paradise

2009-06-22T16:11:00.002-04:00

Ming ran across the televised U.S. Open Golf Tournament and wonders why those crowds are willing to stand around in the rain to glean a very imperfect view of their dubious heroes doing very convoluted but also very trivial peregrinations in pursuit of their little balls whilst affording enterprising pickpockets the proverbial field day.

At least they should arm these "pros" with scythes as they plumb the forest primeval in pursuit of their little balls thus getting some use of these frequent treks into the waist high weeds. The only time Paedric Harrington, even saw the fairway during the entire event was when he teed up.

It also would be prudent to abandon all pretense that putters are of any use once the elusive green is attained. "Tiger" Woods proved this conclusively. Pool cues would clearly be more serviceable.

The money squandered on the bowling trophy with a gland condition that they present the winner could be better spent giving him a case of Guggenheimers Reserve to forget this eldritch event.

The only positive observation that Ming can make is that at least these clods have managed to escape from the dung hill of commerce that the rest of us are mired in while they are still in their prime and are not only paid to do so but actually earn adulation from the addled brained masses for playing this pointless game while someone, for instance, who does something more difficult and worthy of adulation such as pursuing a cure for a disease remains unsung.

Ming contends that anyone associated with professional golf in any manner, shape or form must devote themselves to useful employ no less than three months a year digging potatoes out of the ground to justify allocation of scarce resources to this sort of drivel. Ming will now hide in the basement under a pile of old rugs until any golfers who read this are through infarcting and cursing the fair name of Ming as they suffer apoplexy.

Ming Decides To Join The Mafia

2009-06-15T06:58:00.002-04:00

Ming learned they have a really excellent dental plan so he sent in his application. It contains questions such as "Wassa You Name?", "Wassa You Real Name?" and an essay question of 25 words or less on "Why I Like Bocce Ball".

Ming hopes to garner one of those cool nicknames once his application meets with acceptance. Although he understands the nom de plumes of Jimmy the Weasel, Vinnie the Gimp and Tony Lacks Table Manners are already taken, Ming still feels his many quirks and foibles will engender a really good nickname.

Ming also looks forward to the secret induction ceremony where the candidate is forced to name the capitals of all fifty states while eating a box of cannolis as the made members all sing selections from My Fair Lady.

Once inducted one is given a phrase booklet from which one learns such useful cliches as "Are you lookin at me?", "You gotta problem?" and the ever popular "Fugedaboudit".

All members are then entitled to send back dishes in any Italian restaurant without fear of the kitchen staff spitting in them, have elected officials hold doors open for them and even have no one say anything when they cheat at pinochle.

The Missing Ming Mulls Many Mysteries

2009-06-12T19:07:00.002-04:00

Poor Ming has been absent from his blog lo these many days as he spent time in his Tibetan ashram contemplating the veracities of life.

Only by developing his powers as a naldjorpa, can he hope to follow the short path and attain enlightenment in this incarnation without enduring successive rebirth. Besides who knows whether in some future rebirth if they will still have rent control.

This is why the ascetic training to develop his psychic powers allow him to plumb the really hard questions such as why the mailman in the Blondie comic strip is named Mr. Beasley when the mailman on the old Burns and Allen show was also named Mr. Beasley.

Another question that Ming is eager to fathom is where he put his glasses but that could be the subject of another post.

Dress For Success

2009-06-05T06:43:00.002-04:00

Ming is appalled at women who aspire to power that lack the fashion sense to dress for success. Germany's Angela Merkel just now meeting with President Obama is wearing a bright yellow jacket of some dubious cut that makes her look like a canary with a gland condition. How would she like it if Obama showed up in a madras sports coat? Hillary Clinton is not only not any better, she's worse. Wearing those colorful pants suits, she's in jeopardy of being arrested for impersonating a tangerine.

In the roles they aspire to, they are not fashion plates but rather world leaders. As such they should be clothed in pinstripe suits tailored for their matronly figures. It probably would add to their gravitas if they also smoked cigars, but that's just Ming's opinion.

Ming Exercises His Right To Free Speech

2009-05-27T10:13:00.002-04:00

Seeing all these advertisements for health clubs showing luscious cheerleader types flexing and flaunting their pulchritudinous persons led the impressionable Ming to sign up for a trial membership hoping to get lucky. Ming even took the Dominoes sign off the roof of the Mingmobile just in case he got a date.

He was looking askew at the various torture devices when some 350 pound woman asked him if he could spot her. Ming innocently replied that if necessary, he could spot her in the parking lot from six blocks away. Once the swelling went down from his concussion, the hospital finally discharged him which is why he hasn't posted for several days. And they say fat people are jolly.

Man The Barricades

2009-05-23T10:04:00.002-04:00

Ming is revolting, but you already knew that. Yet there is only so much abuse the long suffering Ming can take before he calls for revolution.

This has nothing to do with petty concerns such as the abridgment of one's freedoms such as the right to bear arms or the abuses of the eminent domain laws allowing government to seize private property only because it can be put to a higher use, meaning greater tax revenue.

This strikes at the very heart of all that which Ming holds dear. Namely the right to receive fair value as he clogs his arteries with ice cream. Remember those halcyon days when one could waltz into any supermarket and buy a half gallon of ice cream secure in the knowledge that you'll get full measure i.e. 64 ounces of delectable dairy? Then they insidiously began packaging ice cream in 56 ounce containers. When no one rioted in the streets they became yet further emboldened. Now they have the temerity to fob off 48 ounce containers on bovine buyers. Where will it all end? Extrapolating the diminution it won't be long until a 17 ounce container will be flogged as being the large size since it's more than a pint.

Ice cream delivery trucks must be overturned and set ablaze. Supermarket dairy managers must be flogged to within an inch of their lives. Yes, even cows must be knocked over to vent our displeasure. Be sure and tell Ming how it all turns out as he's now switched to popsicles in protest.

Order Your Ming-Away Today

2009-05-17T07:40:00.002-04:00

The only thing not in short supply on this Earth is people. Note how they're always getting in your way. Ming can't always be there personally for you to encourage their egress by his obnoxious manner, loutish loquaciousness nor odoriferous emanations.

That's why you need Ming-Away. One spray from your Ming-Away Canister clears a seat for you on that crowded subway car. One sniff will dissolve that pesky line at the supermarket checkout. One spritz rids you of those party guests too stupid to know when to go home. And one dab behind your ear will encourage that blind date that's not turning out so well to flee even before you have to pony up for dinner.

Naturally, Ming-Away tends to cling to all surfaces. This means you. So also send for Ming-Begone, guaranteed to mask the effects of Ming-Away within as little as three months.

You just can't lose.Our operators are standing by right now. Call 1-800-SCHMUCK right now. Please have a second mortgage application handy so our operators can help you fill it out. After all, shipping and handling is extra.

Pfizer Says Screw You To The Unemployed

2009-05-15T12:56:00.003-04:00

You just can't make this stuff up. In an attempt to retain customer loyalty while earning itself some positive publicity, Pfizer will give away it's drugs to whomsoever was unemployed for three months as of the beginning of the year.

Included in this bonanza is Viagra. Ming anticipates network television, cable and Direct TV will rise in protest as Pfizer gets a rise out of their formerly paying customers. Who will be left to watch their putrid programming if the idle masses turn away from spectator sports? Ming suspects that Pfizer is really trying to stick it to them.

Dr. Merciless's Guide To Foiling The Flu

2009-05-05T13:08:00.002-04:00

1) Avoid humanity at all costs. This is always good advice, but especially so during flu season.

2) If forced to interact with others, immediately insult them egregiously, thus cleverly avoiding the need to shake hands, always a purveyor of germs.

3) Wear a mask when away from home, especially when entering 7-Elevens. You may even be surprised to be offered money from the cash register.

4) When encountering anyone who is sneezing or coughing, immediately douse them with clorox. It's either you or them. Better them.

5) Even after taking these prophylactic measures, should you feel the onset of flu, repair to the nearest hedge fund manager and expectorate on him. Why shouldn't the deserving also suffer?

6) Once you are sure you have contracted the flu, stay home and curse uncontrollably for no less than 24 hours. This enables the blood to flow freely, cleansing your system of germs.

7) Should you intimate that the flu will cause your demise, call legal counsel immediately to have a codicil inserted in your will leaving all your worldly goods to Ming. It's the least you can do in payment for the above sterling advice.

Enquirering Nut Jobs Want To Know

2009-04-29T19:55:00.002-04:00

Is Kirstie Alley really Al Gore in drag? This is the sort of frightening question that had Ming hiding under that pile of old rugs in the basement all week, afraid to even post on his blog. Nothing can be taken at face value any more. Everyone has an agenda.

Ming goes so far as to speculate that even Billie Mays might not have Ming's best interests at heart when he flogs all manner of crapola at $19.95 plus shipping which turns out to be a mere $100 more.

Fortunately, Ming knows the Sham-Wow guy would never lie to him.

Ming Is In

2009-04-20T06:40:00.002-04:00

Young studs are out. The Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin just had a recent study by authors Terry F.Pettijohn and Brian J.Jungeberg indicating that evolutionary biology encourages people to seek more mature mates during times of economic insecurity. They contend that their findings even show that centerfolds in Playboy get older and rounder.

While Ming will spare an otherwise horrified populace from having to buy a magazine to view his physique, he is nonetheless ready to capitalize on this new development as soon as he polishes off that second bottle of Geritol, adjusts his toupee, locates his glasses and tries to remember where he put his walker.

Ming Bounced From Big Bocce Ball Bash

2009-04-15T15:21:00.002-04:00

A humiliated Ming has disgraced himself by exhibiting sportsmanlike conduct during the All Mafia-Hedge Fund Bocce Ball Tournament. Neglecting to threaten any other players even once, Ming has shown a lack of bad breeding so necessary in today's competitive Mafia and Hedge Fund Industry.

Hoping to redeem himself, Ming has gallantly offered to underwrite this year's gala getaway to the Pribiloff Islands in time for the annual baby seal clubbing so dear to the hearts of Mafia hit-men and hedge fund managers everywhere.

In the meantime, Ming hopes to toughen himself up by stealing wheelchairs and crutches, emulating the career path that has created so many successful hedge fund managers.

Free Eggroll

2009-04-13T11:27:00.002-04:00

Finally the Government does something for citizen Ming. Ming read that the White House will provide a free eggroll to everyone on the South Lawn of the White House to honor Easter. Ming's only hope is they're not so chintzy as to deny Ming a nice platter of fried rice to go along with it.

Is Nothing Sacred?

2009-04-12T06:53:00.002-04:00

Ming hasn't posted in a couple of weeks since he was enjoying taxpayer provided free accommodations in the same cellblock as Bernie Madoff. Ming is sad to report that poor Bernie is in the dumps over the government's latest heartless ploy.

Today at 10:AM Ebay will close bidding on Bernie Madoff's two gold tickets to the Mets season opener at the new CITI Field. So far the bids exceed $3,000.

Has it come to this? Make a little fifty billion dollar booboo and the Torquemada's of the Inquisition purloin your cherished right to see the Mets in action. Surely a civilized society would instead send Bernie on the prison bus to the game. If they chose to be vindictive they could make him leave in the top of the ninth, should the score be tied.

Fortunately, the Solons who run things have not meted out such draconian punishments entailing incarceration and confiscation of Mets tickets to the descendants of Jesse James who run our major banks and insurance scams.

Ming's favorite peccadillo is the billions funneled through AIG to allow foreign banks such as UBS to enjoy not only reimbursement for their credit default swap fliers but their profits on them as well. All this when the glorious UBS is under indictment for tax fraud while refusing to divulge the names of 52,000 U.S. citizens who they enabled to evade their U.S. income taxes. But the Government is on the job and will squeeze $3,000 or so from sale of Bernie's baseball seats for one game. You just can't make this stuff up.

Finally

2009-03-31T18:05:00.002-04:00

It took six thousand years of civilization, but it finally arrived. Ming is of course referring to the motorized barstool. Ming has only been made aware of this boon to humanity because it's inventor, somewhere in Ohio, was nailed by the short arm of the law for causing an accident.

This tribute to American ingenuity which consists of a barstool mounted on a lawnmower engine with a steering wheel can go thirty-five miles an hour.

Think of the envious stares as you tool into your favorite watering hole knowing you'll always have a seat no matter how crowded the dump may be. Think of being able to cause any amount of trouble safe in the knowledge that you can outrun the most agile of bouncers. Think also of the money you can save welching on your bar tab by making a quick getaway.

America can never lose it's technological superiority so long as we keep innovating at this level. Can a motorized barca lounger be far behind?

Everyone Wants To Scew Poor Ming

2009-03-29T08:57:00.002-04:00

Just when Ming's ship is about to come in(think Dendreon), the currency he will soon be wallowing in is being devalued by quantitative easing(euphemism for indiscriminately printing money). Worse yet, blabbermouth, Zhou Xiaochuan, business head of The People's Bank Of China(PCofA) makes big speech calling for international currency not tied to any one nation(ours).

Go to www.pcb.gov.ch for full english text of scurrilous speech. Since 1983, the PCofA has been China's Central Bank. This web site, whose flawless translations are done by their International Department should perhaps reconsider their translation of Comrade Wang Hongzhan's title of Chief Disciplinary Officer.

Opening the management icon and hitting on Hu Xiaolian, which is what Ming would like to do, shows the lovely Xiaolian's picture. Note she is Administrator of Foreign Exchange which has the felicitous acronym, SAFE so it must be safe for her to engage in exchanges with foreigners. So it must be okay for capitalist pig Ming to now send love letter proposing marriage to Comrade Hu explaining his real name is John D. Rockerfeller and he is prepared to live six months of the year in the palatial digs of Comrade Hu in China if she will join him in living behind Ming's Hand Laundry in the U.S. the other six months. Seller's puff is always followed by buyer's remorse but Ming figures if she can iron shirts, he will come out ahead in the deal.

Tis The Season To Adjust

2009-03-28T08:42:00.002-04:00

This February's seasonal adjustments to economic data have been particularly bogus so as not to frighten the great unwashed.

The adjustment for durable goods was the biggest since 1992, so retail sales show up as flat in February when they were actually down three percent, the largest drop on record.

The adjustment for new home sales was the largest since 1982 and turned a 40,000 non-adjusted housing start number into a headline grabbing annual rate of 583,000 starts.

So it goes to show that the seasons don't need adjusting as much as the adjustors need seasoning.

Ming Hails Geithner Plan

2009-03-24T14:40:00.002-04:00

International Bank Of Ming will generously offer to sell it's dud loans for 90 cents on the dollar to newly formed Government/ Private Investor consortium. Hard hitting consortium negotiator, investor Ming offers 63 cents on the dollar, take it or leave it.

Running around the other side of the table, banker Ming congratulates Government on associating itself with such a tough cookie and capitulates, collecting 63 cents per dollar on that dross which promptly goes belly up. Since the glorious Government is on the hook at 6 to 1, investor Ming losses 9 cents on the dollar. Net, net, Ming is up 53 cents on the dollar and treats himself to an egg cream. Will the Big Banks do anything different?

Why Does Ming Have To Do All The Thinking?

2009-03-18T20:18:00.002-04:00

Our glorious Government is using AIG as a conduit to prop up sundry domestic and foreign banks by honoring AIG's credit default swap obligations. They should instead declare these swaps to be against public policy and abrogate these obligations when the counterparty had no insurable interest, while refunding the monies paid to AIG.

This won't happen since they fear for the integrity of the world's financial system All this does not get the mild mannered Ming exercised. What does have him frothing at the mouth and chewing the legs off chairs is that one of the lucky recipients of that largesse is UBS to the tune of $5 billion dollars.

This is the same UBS that pled guilty to tax fraud but still won't cough up the names of 52,000 Americans who availed themselves of the UBS tax evasion schemes.

Must one have more than two functioning synapses to conclude the Government should withhold that $5 billion dollar bonanza?

Can't be done, cry our legal Solons. Contract law must be honored. Quite so, admits the chastised Ming who still has vestiges of his sly peasant logic to fall back on. Merely make John Doe tax assessments of $10,000 against each of these unknown tax evaders. Pay UBS their $5 billion and simultaneously seize it since UBS is agent for those 52,000 miscreants, their enabler and the scheme's originator. Let them then sue us in the World Court. Ming remains available to pick up his Noble Prize anytime except between the hours of 9:30 to 4:00PM weekdays when he is otherwise occupied.

Government Attempts To Quash Free Enterprise

2009-03-15T13:44:00.002-04:00

Solid citizen Ming hasn't posted on his blog because he hasn't posted bail as he awaited arraignment for persecution(no typo) of his entrepreneurial efforts in general and his line of Rock Solid Penile Enhancement Devices, in particular.

Ming's kits are rock solid since the contain a solid rock. Just wrap said rock with twine and attach twine to the maliciously minute member and let good old gravity do all the work. His Honor, Sum Wei Wang was so impressed with Ming's before and after photos he bought three kits. It just goes to show that most pricks want to be even bigger pricks.

Ming hopes to sell many kits to the SEC and the FDA since no one there seems to yet have any rocks.

More Ming Madoff Musings

2009-03-11T21:02:00.001-04:00

Ming proposes an alternate solution to the illegal use of SIPC funds to cushion the Bernie Madoff imbroglio. Note that Madoff ran an unregistered investment pool which under Rule 3C7 of the Investment Company Act of 1940 is exempt from registration with the SEC. The idea being that providing investments for the portfolios of a limited number of "sophisticated investors" is outside the ambit of any necessary oversight of the authorities. It is not a brokerage firm which contributes funds to the SIPC for self insurance on the demise of member brokers and the SIPC fund should not be raided to save Bernie's dupes.

Yet, even now, Ming Industries is implementing a more appropriate response to assuage those well heeled "sophisticated investors" caught in Bernie's " too good to be true because it isn't", scheme. Ming plans to issue a limited edition of Bernie Madoff collector plates suitable for display in the home or office of his investors featuring the smiling avuncular countenance of Bernie Madoff. Each plate in the series will contain a pithy, but appropriate epithet. Choose from "I Got Mine With Madoff", "Madoff Mulcted Me" or the ever popular "Oy Vay Ist Meir".

A portion of the proceeds from every order will be deposited in the save Bernie Fund to be used for his insanity plea. Ming T. Merciless, President Emeritus of Ming Industries will also plan to put up his personal residence to ensure Bernie's bail is not revoked. Unfortunately, what with the decline in commodity prices, the price of cardboard has also declined thus undercutting the ability to cash out Ming's current domicile . Maybe Ming could just send Bernie cigarettes so he has something to trade while inside.

Ming Signs Up For Ballet Class

2009-03-08T11:00:00.002-04:00

This is clearly the road to riches. It worked wonders for one time Clinton aide and all around swell guy, Rahm Emmanuel who took two and a half years off to "work" for investment bankers Wasserstein & Perella. He was sufficiently fleet of foot to "earn" sixteen and one-half million dollars.

He then returned to Congress to become the House's #1 recipient of hedge fund contributions. Now he sitteth at the right hand of the President as Chief of Staff.

Ming can hardly wait to start doing pirouettes for the big bucks although he draws the line at wearing a tutu.

Ming's Neighbors Call 911, Reporting Mayhem

2009-03-03T13:28:00.002-05:00

Howls of outrage. Screams of horror. Pleas for mercy and sobs of despair. Yes, taxpayer Ming was filling out his Federal and State tax returns again.

Take the total in 1b2 and insert on line f3c but only after dividing by the prime meridian and multiplying by psi to six decimal places but only for those who itemized. All others must refer to instruction booklet 453G which is not included and cannot be obtained without a Form 642Z also not included.

Not only are they trying to break poor Ming financially but mentally as well. Ming remains certain after jumping through all those abstruse hoops that somewhere, somehow there was a credit, deduction or exemption to which he's legally entitled were he clever enough to discover it while wading through the morass they laughing call the instructions.

In the next reincarnation Ming will try to come back as Treasury Secretary or Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee. Each is responsible for tax law but neither is responsible enough to comply.

Ming Is Excited

2009-02-27T11:27:00.002-05:00

He just received the list from E Harmony.com based on filling out a questionnaire of those potential mates he might be compatible with.

Ma Barker
Marjorie Main
The Fabulous Moolah

Ming hopes they like romantic things like long walks in the country picking up deposit bottles and antique hunting on weekends to collect scrap metal at five cents a pound.

Ming always was an incurable romantic.

Hairhut For Men

2009-02-25T14:38:00.002-05:00

Tired of being called skinhead, cue ball and chrome dome? Then Ming's Hairhut For Men is the answer.

Our trained technicians take the hair from your butt and with our magic formula, transfer it to your head painlessly, giving new meaning to the phrase,"get your head out of your butt".

This offer is only available to baldies residing in temperate climates as our laboratory tests on human epidermis show that when subjected to tropical temperatures, Elmer's Glue All tends not to always hold.

Minh Achieves Personal Best

2009-02-24T07:39:00.002-05:00

New record for Ming. First time he was bounced from two jobs in one morning. Flunkies R Us sent him to airport to temporarily fill security job. Ming was diligently frisking all stewardesses when boss tries to can him for gross incompetence, indecency and chewing gum while on duty. Ming is too clever for him, pointing out you can't fire someone who strictly adhered to Federal anti-profiling guidelines since he even expedited boarding for two guys in robes screaming death to the infidel.

So they put Ming in dead end job in unclaimed luggage. First customer is little old lady that claims she lost her Amelia Earhart. Ming tells her to get over it. Amelia's been lost since 1937 and it's time to move on. Things go downhill from there and before you can file for unemployment, poor Ming is escorted onto the street.

Maybe Ming should try to get into public relations, especially with stewardesses.

Where's Ming's Stimulus Package?

2009-02-22T08:02:00.002-05:00

Ming can only hope the Government gets it to him soon and they at least include several copies of the recently released Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Until then, Ming's mind is totally unfocused on what's really important.

He keeps getting the most random associations as he rummages in the crowded attic of his mind. Did you ever notice that Ringo Starr bears an uncanny resemblance to the presumably late Yasser Arafat? Note that there are no photos of them together. Could it be that good old Yasser is now enjoying his millions under the sobriquet of a rock star?

Then again Ming suspects that fitness guru Jillian Michaels looks suspiciously like a slimmed down version of Lou Ferrigamo of Hulk fame. And when will Andy Kaufman resurface to give the finger to everyone he duped that he was dead? These are reasons why poor Ming needs that stimulus package post haste.

Where Have Standards Gone?

2009-02-19T14:46:00.002-05:00

Ming was watching CNBC early this morning and it would appear that Becky Quick was sporting a very distinct 5 o'clock shadow.

The very least these talking heads could do is shave before inflicting themselves on poor Ming who's laboring without the benefit of his full quotient of coffee at that hour.

It also wouldn't hurt for Joe Kernan to invest in some prunes so that every time he attempts to form a thought he needn't display that constipated look of his.

Then again, perhaps Ming's standards are too high.

A Truss You Can Trust

2009-02-16T18:35:00.002-05:00

That's the motto for Ming's new , no can lose, business venture. Ming, whose hand is on the pulse of the economy and several other places where it shouldn't be, notes that gold ownership is now in vogue. Various pundits advocate physical ownership rather than owning gold through some intangible certificate that may not be honored when gold is most needed in a financial emergency.

That being so, once you take possession, you can't just leave it lying around. It should be kept on or about your person at all "times. But gold is very heavy in relation to size. That's where Ming comes in. Why wind up in the hernia ward from lugging around your fortune?" Ming's infomercial will query, "Why not buy a one-size-fits-all truss you can trust?" as the camera zooms in on the nether region's of the hapless Won Hung Lo who neglected to procure a genuine Ming truss before trying to move his hoard. After viewing that disaster, Ming's cup will runeth over as orders pour in.

Poor Uncle Zhiping Nailed For Skipping With Cash

2009-02-14T10:45:00.004-05:00

Ming's uncle Zhou Zhiping was born in 1910, when the Chinese emperor still sat on his throne. Now, the 98-year-old has become the oldest person to go on trial in China and, arguably, the world.

He is facing charges over an alleged money scam, which cheated an American academic out of over $100 000. The success of the supposed intricate plot depended on Zhou Zhiping’s age. Two of his younger accomplices told a 74-year-old Chinese-American academic with two doctorates in physics and chemistry, surnamed Chen, that the elderly man was, in fact, a politician called Li Liejun.

The real Li Liejun, who was a general in the Chinese Nationalist army, died in 1946. The plotters, however, convinced the academic that the ersatz Li Liejun was still alive, had preserved his elaborate political connections and was looking to access substantial assets which were frozen during the communists’ war with China’s nationalist forces.

The assets, according to the scheme, added up to at least $1.3 trillion. The accomplices demanded a $100 000 fee from Chen with a promise to give him three million dollars in return for his efforts after the assets were unfrozen. The victim was happy to oblige and transferred the requested sum to Zhou Zhiping and his two young accomplices before realizing he had been conned.

Now that Zhou Zhiping is facing charges, government officials claim that no lenient treatment will be given to him. A fraud involving such a sum would normally face the penalty of ten years of imprisonment. Some concessions were given to the alleged elderly con-man based on his age: he is awaiting his sentence at home, and was interrogated by prosecutors in the presence of a doctor.

Zhou Zhiping is reportedly insisting that he is innocent. According to the Xinhua news agency, he said in court: “That’s nonsense! I’m not guilty. I won’t be jailed”.

It remains unclear when the trial will end or a verdict delivered.

This scam scenario is not unusual in China. Many attempts to use the country’s historic context to swindle money have been made. The People’s Republic of China and the U.S. resumed diplomatic relations in the late 1970s. It was then that America agreed to lift a freeze on Chinese assets held in the U.S., put in place at the time of the Communist takeover.

Entire family very upset with Zhou. Getting caught is very bad form.

Ming On Short List For Commerce Secretary

2009-02-13T17:14:00.002-05:00

Ming is a shoe-in. He has it all. A willingness to toady. No scruples. No income, so no possibility of being tainted by tax issues. Best of all, Ming knows nothing about what a Commerce Secretary is supposed to do so he's perfectly malleable. If the job comes with a car, Ming could even use it to moonlight as a livery cab driver and if there's an expense account, that solves the stimulus issue for the economy.

Yogi Berra Was Right

2009-02-09T13:31:00.002-05:00

The hard hitting SEC has now covered itself in yet more glory by entering into a settlement with Bernie Madoff whereby the great man will eventually pay a fine and agree to reimburse his dupes sometime in the future.

Naturally, according to Bernie nothing is now left. Yet, Ming remains convinced the smiling Bernie's next move is to raise money which he promises to invest and then donate his management fees on the profits and his commissions as the basis for repayment. Surely the astute Bernie will promise a generous guaranteed return of no less than 12%.

Eager investors are doubtlessly lining up outside his penthouse even as this is being written. It's deja vu all over again.