Ming Signs Up For Ballet Class

This is clearly the road to riches. It worked wonders for one time Clinton aide and all around swell guy, Rahm Emmanuel who took two and a half years off to "work" for investment bankers Wasserstein & Perella. He was sufficiently fleet of foot to "earn" sixteen and one-half million dollars.

He then returned to Congress to become the House's #1 recipient of hedge fund contributions. Now he sitteth at the right hand of the President as Chief of Staff.

Ming can hardly wait to start doing pirouettes for the big bucks although he draws the line at wearing a tutu.

Ming's Neighbors Call 911, Reporting Mayhem

Howls of outrage. Screams of horror. Pleas for mercy and sobs of despair. Yes, taxpayer Ming was filling out his Federal and State tax returns again.

Take the total in 1b2 and insert on line f3c but only after dividing by the prime meridian and multiplying by psi to six decimal places but only for those who itemized. All others must refer to instruction booklet 453G which is not included and cannot be obtained without a Form 642Z also not included.

Not only are they trying to break poor Ming financially but mentally as well. Ming remains certain after jumping through all those abstruse hoops that somewhere, somehow there was a credit, deduction or exemption to which he's legally entitled were he clever enough to discover it while wading through the morass they laughing call the instructions.

In the next reincarnation Ming will try to come back as Treasury Secretary or Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee. Each is responsible for tax law but neither is responsible enough to comply.

Ming Is Excited

He just received the list from E Harmony.com based on filling out a questionnaire of those potential mates he might be compatible with.

Ma Barker
Marjorie Main
The Fabulous Moolah

Ming hopes they like romantic things like long walks in the country picking up deposit bottles and antique hunting on weekends to collect scrap metal at five cents a pound.

Ming always was an incurable romantic.

Hairhut For Men

Tired of being called skinhead, cue ball and chrome dome? Then Ming's Hairhut For Men is the answer.

Our trained technicians take the hair from your butt and with our magic formula, transfer it to your head painlessly, giving new meaning to the phrase,"get your head out of your butt".

This offer is only available to baldies residing in temperate climates as our laboratory tests on human epidermis show that when subjected to tropical temperatures, Elmer's Glue All tends not to always hold.

Minh Achieves Personal Best

New record for Ming. First time he was bounced from two jobs in one morning. Flunkies R Us sent him to airport to temporarily fill security job. Ming was diligently frisking all stewardesses when boss tries to can him for gross incompetence, indecency and chewing gum while on duty. Ming is too clever for him, pointing out you can't fire someone who strictly adhered to Federal anti-profiling guidelines since he even expedited boarding for two guys in robes screaming death to the infidel.

So they put Ming in dead end job in unclaimed luggage. First customer is little old lady that claims she lost her Amelia Earhart. Ming tells her to get over it. Amelia's been lost since 1937 and it's time to move on. Things go downhill from there and before you can file for unemployment, poor Ming is escorted onto the street.

Maybe Ming should try to get into public relations, especially with stewardesses.

Where's Ming's Stimulus Package?

Ming can only hope the Government gets it to him soon and they at least include several copies of the recently released Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Until then, Ming's mind is totally unfocused on what's really important.

He keeps getting the most random associations as he rummages in the crowded attic of his mind. Did you ever notice that Ringo Starr bears an uncanny resemblance to the presumably late Yasser Arafat? Note that there are no photos of them together. Could it be that good old Yasser is now enjoying his millions under the sobriquet of a rock star?

Then again Ming suspects that fitness guru Jillian Michaels looks suspiciously like a slimmed down version of Lou Ferrigamo of Hulk fame. And when will Andy Kaufman resurface to give the finger to everyone he duped that he was dead? These are reasons why poor Ming needs that stimulus package post haste.

Where Have Standards Gone?

Ming was watching CNBC early this morning and it would appear that Becky Quick was sporting a very distinct 5 o'clock shadow.

The very least these talking heads could do is shave before inflicting themselves on poor Ming who's laboring without the benefit of his full quotient of coffee at that hour.

It also wouldn't hurt for Joe Kernan to invest in some prunes so that every time he attempts to form a thought he needn't display that constipated look of his.

Then again, perhaps Ming's standards are too high.

A Truss You Can Trust

That's the motto for Ming's new , no can lose, business venture. Ming, whose hand is on the pulse of the economy and several other places where it shouldn't be, notes that gold ownership is now in vogue. Various pundits advocate physical ownership rather than owning gold through some intangible certificate that may not be honored when gold is most needed in a financial emergency.

That being so, once you take possession, you can't just leave it lying around. It should be kept on or about your person at all "times. But gold is very heavy in relation to size. That's where Ming comes in. Why wind up in the hernia ward from lugging around your fortune?" Ming's infomercial will query, "Why not buy a one-size-fits-all truss you can trust?" as the camera zooms in on the nether region's of the hapless Won Hung Lo who neglected to procure a genuine Ming truss before trying to move his hoard. After viewing that disaster, Ming's cup will runeth over as orders pour in.

Poor Uncle Zhiping Nailed For Skipping With Cash

Ming's uncle Zhou Zhiping was born in 1910, when the Chinese emperor still sat on his throne. Now, the 98-year-old has become the oldest person to go on trial in China and, arguably, the world.

He is facing charges over an alleged money scam, which cheated an American academic out of over $100 000. The success of the supposed intricate plot depended on Zhou Zhiping’s age. Two of his younger accomplices told a 74-year-old Chinese-American academic with two doctorates in physics and chemistry, surnamed Chen, that the elderly man was, in fact, a politician called Li Liejun.

The real Li Liejun, who was a general in the Chinese Nationalist army, died in 1946. The plotters, however, convinced the academic that the ersatz Li Liejun was still alive, had preserved his elaborate political connections and was looking to access substantial assets which were frozen during the communists’ war with China’s nationalist forces.

The assets, according to the scheme, added up to at least $1.3 trillion. The accomplices demanded a $100 000 fee from Chen with a promise to give him three million dollars in return for his efforts after the assets were unfrozen. The victim was happy to oblige and transferred the requested sum to Zhou Zhiping and his two young accomplices before realizing he had been conned.

Now that Zhou Zhiping is facing charges, government officials claim that no lenient treatment will be given to him. A fraud involving such a sum would normally face the penalty of ten years of imprisonment. Some concessions were given to the alleged elderly con-man based on his age: he is awaiting his sentence at home, and was interrogated by prosecutors in the presence of a doctor.

Zhou Zhiping is reportedly insisting that he is innocent. According to the Xinhua news agency, he said in court: “That’s nonsense! I’m not guilty. I won’t be jailed”.

It remains unclear when the trial will end or a verdict delivered.

This scam scenario is not unusual in China. Many attempts to use the country’s historic context to swindle money have been made. The People’s Republic of China and the U.S. resumed diplomatic relations in the late 1970s. It was then that America agreed to lift a freeze on Chinese assets held in the U.S., put in place at the time of the Communist takeover.

Entire family very upset with Zhou. Getting caught is very bad form.

Ming On Short List For Commerce Secretary

Ming is a shoe-in. He has it all. A willingness to toady. No scruples. No income, so no possibility of being tainted by tax issues. Best of all, Ming knows nothing about what a Commerce Secretary is supposed to do so he's perfectly malleable. If the job comes with a car, Ming could even use it to moonlight as a livery cab driver and if there's an expense account, that solves the stimulus issue for the economy.

Yogi Berra Was Right

The hard hitting SEC has now covered itself in yet more glory by entering into a settlement with Bernie Madoff whereby the great man will eventually pay a fine and agree to reimburse his dupes sometime in the future.

Naturally, according to Bernie nothing is now left. Yet, Ming remains convinced the smiling Bernie's next move is to raise money which he promises to invest and then donate his management fees on the profits and his commissions as the basis for repayment. Surely the astute Bernie will promise a generous guaranteed return of no less than 12%.

Eager investors are doubtlessly lining up outside his penthouse even as this is being written. It's deja vu all over again.

Now Ming Gets To Live Forever

For the last several days, Ming has been exercising 24 hours a day. That's why he hasn't had time to post. Lucky for Ming he saw that T.V. commercial on Channel 2 that said for every hour one exercises they gain two hours of life. Ming figures that at this rate, exercising 24/7, he gets to live forever.

Ming can enjoy the power of compound interest and eventually live long enough to own the world. Better yet, Ming can watch all his enemies croak(technical medical term), while the ever youthful Ming just keeps going and going just like the Energizer Bun...zzzzzzzzzzz.

Ming Investigates The CIA

Thumb twiddling while waiting for his ship to come in leaves Ming plenty of time to engage in self-destructive behavior. High on the list is watching television if only for the entertainment value of the commercials.

Ming's current favorite is the CIA recruitment ad showing the type of fresh-faced young idealists they want to hire as a voice-over intones the requirements for hire whose possessors can only be found at Boy Scout Jamborees.

What the clods at the CIA really need are slimy, scheming, devious dastards like the lovable Ming. Just give Ming Carte Blanche(or even Master Card) and he'll quickly go out and buy a dagger(he already has a cloak). Within a trice he'll have all our enemies singing Yankee Doodle Dandy in Urdu, Farsi and Pathan. Admittedly, not a pretty sight but they'd be eating cous-cous out of the palm of Ming's unwashed hand.

Unfortunately, Ming's somewhat checkered past does not lend itself to too close scrutiny and certainly would not stand up to the Boy Scout's Oath as espoused at the CIA so they'll just have to make do with the Duddly Doorights that are sure to apply.
They'll probably promulgate checkoff forms to be sent to all addresses asking you to put a check in box a if a patriot, box b if a terrorist and box c if undecided and consider that a job well done.

Ming Watches Super Bowl

Entire problem revolves around there only being one football. Opposing team becomes enraged that they can't fondle football and biggest members assault opposing team. Seeing what's in store for him, football fondler cleverly throws ball to team member furthest behind. That worthy, fearing for his life, prudently throws ball to team member already so frightened that he's running toward locker room. Idea is to catch ball and keep running away. This seldom works as planned.

Whole point of game is to create excuse for doing grievous bodily harm to other team members without getting caught by guys dressed in underwear. Knocking them down and stepping on them seems acceptable but player only allowed rabbit punches and choke holds when guys in underwear not looking.

It seems to sports fan Ming that greater efficiency could be achieved by arming teams with brass knuckles and saps. But then again all the saps are already in the stands.

Ming Demands Free Power Chair

Seeing T.V. ads from The Scooter Store, solid citizen Ming is sure he qualifies for a free wheelchair based on the disabilities inflicted on him by an uncaring Stock Market. Ming has taken it up the wazoo in the Market to such a degree that he can now barely walk.

Besides Ming sees the possibility of a quick buck if enough people get these souped up wheelchairs and Ming can convince them to retrofit V-6 engines on them. This could be big. It could become the NASCAR for geriatrics with corporations paying to have their logos on winning wheelchairs.

Naturally, Ming Enterprises will be calling the shots at least until the first racing scandal when Ming is caught doping the drivers with Geritol. After all, at that age they probably have iron deficiency anemia, or as Ted Mack would have said, "tired blood".

Multimillionaire Takes Personal Interest In Ming

Watching stupid CNBC or more correctly the commercials with the occasional break for their announcers' blather, Ming is intrigued by some large clod with a head too small for his body who claims to have turned $33,000 into $7,000,000 in the stock market.

He advertises constantly and generously offers to share this knowledge by encouraging the dimwitted Ming to send for some free booklet. Now the self-centered Ming, had he got his unwashed digits on seven million reasons to retire, would have other things to do with his time.

Yet, the only thing on this troglodyte's mind is to make the gullible Ming rich by showing him how to beat the market. Surely more money could be made by this refugee from from a basketball court by using this wonderful knowledge to operate a hedge fund. Tears come to Ming's eyes knowing that such selfless people are still out there willing to share their cornucopia of insights with the unwashed masses.

Lucky Lindy Flys The Atlantic

Another breaking news story that Charlie Gasparino doubtlessly broke first on CNBC when he's not busy kissing the hinnies of hedge fund managers like Jim Chanos.

The peasant-like Gasparino's specialty is repeating whatever points he thinks he's conveying while oblivious to the social convention that states conversations are not monologues. Clearly unable to construct simple declarative sentences, he intersperses his errant eructations with "you know" never less than three times per two sentences.

Overtalking others is a skill learned at an early age when arguments are won based on decibel level rather than merit. On CNBC Charlie's a star.

Feeling A Tad Disgruntled?

Just because you're a common slob that wasn't invited to any of the ten Presidential Inaugural Balls being held tonight is no reason to sulk. Ming has the answer. Just send him the modest sum of 100 dollars and he will provide you with your very own inaugural ball by Spaulding. Pictured thereon will be all the luminaries of the new administration.

Your friends,(assuming you really have any), will be flummoxed to learn that not only were you seen bouncing around the inaugural ball but you can honestly claim to be able to play ball with the entire new administration.

Ming has the balls to make this offer. So get all balled up and send for yours today.

Own A Piece Of History

Ming Enterprises is now able to offer you the opportunity to purchase one of the Porto-Potties to be used on the parade route during tomorrow's Presidential Inauguration. Proudly display it in your living room and when the economy keeps going in the crapper no matter what this or any other administration can do, so can you. A limit of two Porto-Potties to a family. A certificate of authenticity accompanies each Potty.

Should demand exceed supply, Ming Enterprises reserves the right to substitute a Mr. Johnny or a Port-a-San of our choice.

Ming Mulls Name Change

Ming is contemplating a new cognomen. Learning that Donald Trump was already taken by some clod with a comb over, he is trying to decide if he should legally change his name to "They"

They always know what's up and They always screw everyone else so They seem to be who Ming should become.

Ming, of course doesn't want to be too hasty here. Changing his name to Charity also has advantages. This is readily apparent should Ming advertise one of his latest scams. You really can't be brought down by those vindictive Postal Inspectors for saying that all proceeds go to Charity if that's really your name.

Then again, a name like Bill King would provide fair warning as to Ming's intent.

Ming is so conflicted, maybe he should just keep his own name and not have to change the monogram on his hankies.

Ming Already Has His Alibi

Federal investigators say the left engine on the US Airways jetliner that made an emergency landing in the Hudson River is missing.

Just in case they try pining their missing engine on Ming, he has several reputable sources who can place him in Madame Wu's House Of 1001 Delights when the plane hit the river. Besides, what with the lousy economy, the price of scrap metal has gone through the floor as Ming found out after shlepping the damn engine all the way to Honest Murry's Salvage whose motto is "Your Crap Is Our Scrap".

Ming Makes Fortune

They're flying off the shelves even as we speak. Ming's underpaid minions can't keep production equal to demand. The Madoff Mug is this season's must have tschotske. Replete with the photo of a smiling Bernie above the phrase, "Ive been mugged by this mug's mug and have the mug to prove it". Ten percent of all profits go to the Free Bernie Fund so send in your order today. The first 100,000 callers will also receive a complementary vial of cyanide for use with their handsome new mug. Ming Industries apologizes that we underestimated demand and have now completely run out of our complementary vials of hemlock.

The Madoff Mug has been officially endorsed by the City of New York as ever so much more preferable than having commuters endure those endless traffic jams caused by Madoff investors who thoughtlessly hurl themselves off our bridges and subway platforms without regard to the inconvenience of their fellow New Yorkers. Ming fully expects to receive the Keys to the City for having provided this alternative to the City's much heralded traffic woes.

Bernie Must Be Tired

All day CNBC makes poor Bernie get in and out of the same car over and over again. Give Bernie a break already. The guy needs a haircut. He's wearing a cheap raincoat. He doesn't even seem to own a hat and they say he copped $50 billion.

Meanwhile, unless he tells them where, when and how, the cretins that work for the Government wont be able to figure it out. So be nice to Bernie. A ticked off Bernie is not a Bernie that will cooperate. Send out for pizza with Bernie's favorite topping. Deliver fresh bagels every morning with a schmeer of his favorite cream cheese. Cough up the latest box office hits for his delectation on his wide-screen T.V. And whatever else you do, make nice when you talk to him. Bernie doesn't like loud noises and impertinent questioners.

Bernie's Inventory List

The unreasonable and petty minions of the Law now expect poor Bernie Madoff to compile a list of his assets for their morbid, voyeuristic pleasure. Fortunately, while dumpster diving behind Bernie's building Ming came up for air with a draft of that list which he now graciously shares for your delectation.

1) An 8x10 glossy of Carlo Ponzi

2) Six deposit bottles of Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray Tonic

3) An original Captain Video decoder ring

4) Three and a quarter books of S&H Green Stamps

5) A 50 cent coupon for SMUT(note from Ming; Bernie is dyslexic. He means TUMS)

6) An autographed photo inscribed, "To my pal Bernie, All the best, Arthur Levitt"

7) A deed to Manhattan

8) A deed to SEC Headquarters in Washington D.C.

9) An eviction notice to the SEC

10) An eviction notice to all residents of Manhattan

Berie; Just Call Martha

Martha Stewart said she found out how to remove those house arrest bracelets on the internet. Asked about the electronic monitoring device she must wear on her ankle she had complained repeatedly that it irritated her skin. Stewart says she knows how to remove it. "I watched them put it on. You can figure out how to get it off," she is quoted as saying. "It's on the Internet. I looked it up."

So when Bernie is in Brazil which has no extradition agreement with the U.S., they can arrest his dog after Bernie puts the bracelet on him and the short arm of the law finally wises up.

Getting Your Armani Suit Soiled

The new administration's plan to create jobs by rebuilding the infrastructure could very well cause the newly unemployed to soil your dainties not to mention their Armani suits. A nation of paper pushers relegated to spreading hot tar on the roadways can only do damage to their haberdashery thus having the unintended consequence of serving to enrich the dry cleaning industry.

Perhaps the Government could instead form a virtuous circle of it's citizens each selling a valuable time share in some ski resort to the fellow on his right who in turn resells it to the fellow on his right ad infinitum. Or have we already tried that?

No matter. Once the illegal aliens rebuild the infrastructure, we can sell the time shares to them.

New Yorkers Are Getting Soft

Elderly NYC Lobster in Restaurant Tank Gets A New Lease On Life

That's what a Manhattan lobster got Friday, when the 20-pound crustacean named George was released from a swanky Park Avenue restaurant's tank.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is applauding City Crab and Seafood for allowing the old-timer to live out his days in freedom.

Lobsters typically live to be 100-plus. PETA, using a rule of thumb based on weight, estimates George is about 140.

The lobster was caught off Newfoundland, Canada. He lived in the restaurant's tank for about 10 days. He is to be released Saturday near Kennebunkport, Maine, in an area where lobster trapping is forbidden.

In Ming's day we would have made him an exhibit on the Coney Island Boardwalk and maybe even gotten him a social security card so his checks could be made available to his deserving caretakers, strictly for use in his upkeep during his golden years of course.

Make A Buck With Bernie

Poor Ming is grinding his teeth since he neglected to hop aboard the Madoff madness. Ebay has more than 100 Madoff items up for bid, most of which are items originally generated by Madoff Securities for distribution to employees and customers . They range from tote bags to cigar humidors all with the Madoff Securities logo.

Ming's favorite is the appropriately designated Madoff fleece jackets, the perfect outerwear to be seen in while being fleeced by Bernie.

Maybe it's still not too late to market a full line of Bernie Madoff designer crying towels for the undiscerning investor.

Ming Can't Outdo Reality Because It's So Unclear

(Associated Press)
(Associated Press)
NEW ROCHELLE, N.Y. – Police say a woman taking a driving test ended up pinning a bystander after losing control of the car on a snowy Westchester County road.

New Rochelle police said the 23-year-old driver rounded a corner Wednesday morning, lost traction and trapped a man cleaning snow off his car. Lt. George Marshall says the examiner tried to use the test car's secondary set of brakes, but they failed.

The 33-year-old bystander was taken to a hospital with leg and shoulder pain.

Investigators are trying to determine whether the accident was due to equipment failure, the driver's inexperience, speed or the snow. Marshall says no citations have been issued.

It's unclear whether she will have to retake the test.

Ming Suffers From Suze Ormanitis

Every time poor Ming sees Suze Orman on T.V. his sperm count goes down and his testes retract. Ming suspects he is not alone and hopes the FDA soon approves a vaccine to cure this affliction even though they don't approve much of anything lately.

Until then send your contributions to the Help Stamp Out Suze Orman Fund care of Ming T. Merciless, all checks to be made out to cash. In return you will receive a complimentary spray can of Suze Orman Begone with which to blackout your T.V. screen in self defense. A certificate of authenticity accompanies every can.