Man The Barricades

Ming is revolting, but you already knew that. Yet there is only so much abuse the long suffering Ming can take before he calls for revolution.

This has nothing to do with petty concerns such as the abridgment of one's freedoms such as the right to bear arms or the abuses of the eminent domain laws allowing government to seize private property only because it can be put to a higher use, meaning greater tax revenue.

This strikes at the very heart of all that which Ming holds dear. Namely the right to receive fair value as he clogs his arteries with ice cream. Remember those halcyon days when one could waltz into any supermarket and buy a half gallon of ice cream secure in the knowledge that you'll get full measure i.e. 64 ounces of delectable dairy? Then they insidiously began packaging ice cream in 56 ounce containers. When no one rioted in the streets they became yet further emboldened. Now they have the temerity to fob off 48 ounce containers on bovine buyers. Where will it all end? Extrapolating the diminution it won't be long until a 17 ounce container will be flogged as being the large size since it's more than a pint.

Ice cream delivery trucks must be overturned and set ablaze. Supermarket dairy managers must be flogged to within an inch of their lives. Yes, even cows must be knocked over to vent our displeasure. Be sure and tell Ming how it all turns out as he's now switched to popsicles in protest.

Order Your Ming-Away Today

The only thing not in short supply on this Earth is people. Note how they're always getting in your way. Ming can't always be there personally for you to encourage their egress by his obnoxious manner, loutish loquaciousness nor odoriferous emanations.

That's why you need Ming-Away. One spray from your Ming-Away Canister clears a seat for you on that crowded subway car. One sniff will dissolve that pesky line at the supermarket checkout. One spritz rids you of those party guests too stupid to know when to go home. And one dab behind your ear will encourage that blind date that's not turning out so well to flee even before you have to pony up for dinner.

Naturally, Ming-Away tends to cling to all surfaces. This means you. So also send for Ming-Begone, guaranteed to mask the effects of Ming-Away within as little as three months.

You just can't lose.Our operators are standing by right now. Call 1-800-SCHMUCK right now. Please have a second mortgage application handy so our operators can help you fill it out. After all, shipping and handling is extra.

Pfizer Says Screw You To The Unemployed

You just can't make this stuff up. In an attempt to retain customer loyalty while earning itself some positive publicity, Pfizer will give away it's drugs to whomsoever was unemployed for three months as of the beginning of the year.

Included in this bonanza is Viagra. Ming anticipates network television, cable and Direct TV will rise in protest as Pfizer gets a rise out of their formerly paying customers. Who will be left to watch their putrid programming if the idle masses turn away from spectator sports? Ming suspects that Pfizer is really trying to stick it to them.

Dr. Merciless's Guide To Foiling The Flu

1) Avoid humanity at all costs. This is always good advice, but especially so during flu season.

2) If forced to interact with others, immediately insult them egregiously, thus cleverly avoiding the need to shake hands, always a purveyor of germs.

3) Wear a mask when away from home, especially when entering 7-Elevens. You may even be surprised to be offered money from the cash register.

4) When encountering anyone who is sneezing or coughing, immediately douse them with clorox. It's either you or them. Better them.

5) Even after taking these prophylactic measures, should you feel the onset of flu, repair to the nearest hedge fund manager and expectorate on him. Why shouldn't the deserving also suffer?

6) Once you are sure you have contracted the flu, stay home and curse uncontrollably for no less than 24 hours. This enables the blood to flow freely, cleansing your system of germs.

7) Should you intimate that the flu will cause your demise, call legal counsel immediately to have a codicil inserted in your will leaving all your worldly goods to Ming. It's the least you can do in payment for the above sterling advice.

Enquirering Nut Jobs Want To Know

Is Kirstie Alley really Al Gore in drag? This is the sort of frightening question that had Ming hiding under that pile of old rugs in the basement all week, afraid to even post on his blog. Nothing can be taken at face value any more. Everyone has an agenda.

Ming goes so far as to speculate that even Billie Mays might not have Ming's best interests at heart when he flogs all manner of crapola at $19.95 plus shipping which turns out to be a mere $100 more.

Fortunately, Ming knows the Sham-Wow guy would never lie to him.

Ming Is In

Young studs are out. The Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin just had a recent study by authors Terry F.Pettijohn and Brian J.Jungeberg indicating that evolutionary biology encourages people to seek more mature mates during times of economic insecurity. They contend that their findings even show that centerfolds in Playboy get older and rounder.

While Ming will spare an otherwise horrified populace from having to buy a magazine to view his physique, he is nonetheless ready to capitalize on this new development as soon as he polishes off that second bottle of Geritol, adjusts his toupee, locates his glasses and tries to remember where he put his walker.

Ming Bounced From Big Bocce Ball Bash

A humiliated Ming has disgraced himself by exhibiting sportsmanlike conduct during the All Mafia-Hedge Fund Bocce Ball Tournament. Neglecting to threaten any other players even once, Ming has shown a lack of bad breeding so necessary in today's competitive Mafia and Hedge Fund Industry.

Hoping to redeem himself, Ming has gallantly offered to underwrite this year's gala getaway to the Pribiloff Islands in time for the annual baby seal clubbing so dear to the hearts of Mafia hit-men and hedge fund managers everywhere.

In the meantime, Ming hopes to toughen himself up by stealing wheelchairs and crutches, emulating the career path that has created so many successful hedge fund managers.

Free Eggroll

Finally the Government does something for citizen Ming. Ming read that the White House will provide a free eggroll to everyone on the South Lawn of the White House to honor Easter. Ming's only hope is they're not so chintzy as to deny Ming a nice platter of fried rice to go along with it.

Is Nothing Sacred?

Ming hasn't posted in a couple of weeks since he was enjoying taxpayer provided free accommodations in the same cellblock as Bernie Madoff. Ming is sad to report that poor Bernie is in the dumps over the government's latest heartless ploy.

Today at 10:AM Ebay will close bidding on Bernie Madoff's two gold tickets to the Mets season opener at the new CITI Field. So far the bids exceed $3,000.

Has it come to this? Make a little fifty billion dollar booboo and the Torquemada's of the Inquisition purloin your cherished right to see the Mets in action. Surely a civilized society would instead send Bernie on the prison bus to the game. If they chose to be vindictive they could make him leave in the top of the ninth, should the score be tied.

Fortunately, the Solons who run things have not meted out such draconian punishments entailing incarceration and confiscation of Mets tickets to the descendants of Jesse James who run our major banks and insurance scams.

Ming's favorite peccadillo is the billions funneled through AIG to allow foreign banks such as UBS to enjoy not only reimbursement for their credit default swap fliers but their profits on them as well. All this when the glorious UBS is under indictment for tax fraud while refusing to divulge the names of 52,000 U.S. citizens who they enabled to evade their U.S. income taxes. But the Government is on the job and will squeeze $3,000 or so from sale of Bernie's baseball seats for one game. You just can't make this stuff up.

Finally

It took six thousand years of civilization, but it finally arrived. Ming is of course referring to the motorized barstool. Ming has only been made aware of this boon to humanity because it's inventor, somewhere in Ohio, was nailed by the short arm of the law for causing an accident.

This tribute to American ingenuity which consists of a barstool mounted on a lawnmower engine with a steering wheel can go thirty-five miles an hour.

Think of the envious stares as you tool into your favorite watering hole knowing you'll always have a seat no matter how crowded the dump may be. Think of being able to cause any amount of trouble safe in the knowledge that you can outrun the most agile of bouncers. Think also of the money you can save welching on your bar tab by making a quick getaway.

America can never lose it's technological superiority so long as we keep innovating at this level. Can a motorized barca lounger be far behind?

Everyone Wants To Scew Poor Ming

Just when Ming's ship is about to come in(think Dendreon), the currency he will soon be wallowing in is being devalued by quantitative easing(euphemism for indiscriminately printing money). Worse yet, blabbermouth, Zhou Xiaochuan, business head of The People's Bank Of China(PCofA) makes big speech calling for international currency not tied to any one nation(ours).

Go to www.pcb.gov.ch for full english text of scurrilous speech. Since 1983, the PCofA has been China's Central Bank. This web site, whose flawless translations are done by their International Department should perhaps reconsider their translation of Comrade Wang Hongzhan's title of Chief Disciplinary Officer.

Opening the management icon and hitting on Hu Xiaolian, which is what Ming would like to do, shows the lovely Xiaolian's picture. Note she is Administrator of Foreign Exchange which has the felicitous acronym, SAFE so it must be safe for her to engage in exchanges with foreigners. So it must be okay for capitalist pig Ming to now send love letter proposing marriage to Comrade Hu explaining his real name is John D. Rockerfeller and he is prepared to live six months of the year in the palatial digs of Comrade Hu in China if she will join him in living behind Ming's Hand Laundry in the U.S. the other six months. Seller's puff is always followed by buyer's remorse but Ming figures if she can iron shirts, he will come out ahead in the deal.

Tis The Season To Adjust

This February's seasonal adjustments to economic data have been particularly bogus so as not to frighten the great unwashed.

The adjustment for durable goods was the biggest since 1992, so retail sales show up as flat in February when they were actually down three percent, the largest drop on record.

The adjustment for new home sales was the largest since 1982 and turned a 40,000 non-adjusted housing start number into a headline grabbing annual rate of 583,000 starts.

So it goes to show that the seasons don't need adjusting as much as the adjustors need seasoning.

Ming Hails Geithner Plan

International Bank Of Ming will generously offer to sell it's dud loans for 90 cents on the dollar to newly formed Government/ Private Investor consortium. Hard hitting consortium negotiator, investor Ming offers 63 cents on the dollar, take it or leave it.

Running around the other side of the table, banker Ming congratulates Government on associating itself with such a tough cookie and capitulates, collecting 63 cents per dollar on that dross which promptly goes belly up. Since the glorious Government is on the hook at 6 to 1, investor Ming losses 9 cents on the dollar. Net, net, Ming is up 53 cents on the dollar and treats himself to an egg cream. Will the Big Banks do anything different?

Why Does Ming Have To Do All The Thinking?

Our glorious Government is using AIG as a conduit to prop up sundry domestic and foreign banks by honoring AIG's credit default swap obligations. They should instead declare these swaps to be against public policy and abrogate these obligations when the counterparty had no insurable interest, while refunding the monies paid to AIG.

This won't happen since they fear for the integrity of the world's financial system All this does not get the mild mannered Ming exercised. What does have him frothing at the mouth and chewing the legs off chairs is that one of the lucky recipients of that largesse is UBS to the tune of $5 billion dollars.

This is the same UBS that pled guilty to tax fraud but still won't cough up the names of 52,000 Americans who availed themselves of the UBS tax evasion schemes.

Must one have more than two functioning synapses to conclude the Government should withhold that $5 billion dollar bonanza?

Can't be done, cry our legal Solons. Contract law must be honored. Quite so, admits the chastised Ming who still has vestiges of his sly peasant logic to fall back on. Merely make John Doe tax assessments of $10,000 against each of these unknown tax evaders. Pay UBS their $5 billion and simultaneously seize it since UBS is agent for those 52,000 miscreants, their enabler and the scheme's originator. Let them then sue us in the World Court. Ming remains available to pick up his Noble Prize anytime except between the hours of 9:30 to 4:00PM weekdays when he is otherwise occupied.

Government Attempts To Quash Free Enterprise

Solid citizen Ming hasn't posted on his blog because he hasn't posted bail as he awaited arraignment for persecution(no typo) of his entrepreneurial efforts in general and his line of Rock Solid Penile Enhancement Devices, in particular.

Ming's kits are rock solid since the contain a solid rock. Just wrap said rock with twine and attach twine to the maliciously minute member and let good old gravity do all the work. His Honor, Sum Wei Wang was so impressed with Ming's before and after photos he bought three kits. It just goes to show that most pricks want to be even bigger pricks.

Ming hopes to sell many kits to the SEC and the FDA since no one there seems to yet have any rocks.

More Ming Madoff Musings

Ming proposes an alternate solution to the illegal use of SIPC funds to cushion the Bernie Madoff imbroglio. Note that Madoff ran an unregistered investment pool which under Rule 3C7 of the Investment Company Act of 1940 is exempt from registration with the SEC. The idea being that providing investments for the portfolios of a limited number of "sophisticated investors" is outside the ambit of any necessary oversight of the authorities. It is not a brokerage firm which contributes funds to the SIPC for self insurance on the demise of member brokers and the SIPC fund should not be raided to save Bernie's dupes.

Yet, even now, Ming Industries is implementing a more appropriate response to assuage those well heeled "sophisticated investors" caught in Bernie's " too good to be true because it isn't", scheme. Ming plans to issue a limited edition of Bernie Madoff collector plates suitable for display in the home or office of his investors featuring the smiling avuncular countenance of Bernie Madoff. Each plate in the series will contain a pithy, but appropriate epithet. Choose from "I Got Mine With Madoff", "Madoff Mulcted Me" or the ever popular "Oy Vay Ist Meir".

A portion of the proceeds from every order will be deposited in the save Bernie Fund to be used for his insanity plea. Ming T. Merciless, President Emeritus of Ming Industries will also plan to put up his personal residence to ensure Bernie's bail is not revoked. Unfortunately, what with the decline in commodity prices, the price of cardboard has also declined thus undercutting the ability to cash out Ming's current domicile . Maybe Ming could just send Bernie cigarettes so he has something to trade while inside.

Ming Signs Up For Ballet Class

This is clearly the road to riches. It worked wonders for one time Clinton aide and all around swell guy, Rahm Emmanuel who took two and a half years off to "work" for investment bankers Wasserstein & Perella. He was sufficiently fleet of foot to "earn" sixteen and one-half million dollars.

He then returned to Congress to become the House's #1 recipient of hedge fund contributions. Now he sitteth at the right hand of the President as Chief of Staff.

Ming can hardly wait to start doing pirouettes for the big bucks although he draws the line at wearing a tutu.

Ming's Neighbors Call 911, Reporting Mayhem

Howls of outrage. Screams of horror. Pleas for mercy and sobs of despair. Yes, taxpayer Ming was filling out his Federal and State tax returns again.

Take the total in 1b2 and insert on line f3c but only after dividing by the prime meridian and multiplying by psi to six decimal places but only for those who itemized. All others must refer to instruction booklet 453G which is not included and cannot be obtained without a Form 642Z also not included.

Not only are they trying to break poor Ming financially but mentally as well. Ming remains certain after jumping through all those abstruse hoops that somewhere, somehow there was a credit, deduction or exemption to which he's legally entitled were he clever enough to discover it while wading through the morass they laughing call the instructions.

In the next reincarnation Ming will try to come back as Treasury Secretary or Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee. Each is responsible for tax law but neither is responsible enough to comply.

Ming Is Excited

He just received the list from E Harmony.com based on filling out a questionnaire of those potential mates he might be compatible with.

Ma Barker
Marjorie Main
The Fabulous Moolah

Ming hopes they like romantic things like long walks in the country picking up deposit bottles and antique hunting on weekends to collect scrap metal at five cents a pound.

Ming always was an incurable romantic.

Hairhut For Men

Tired of being called skinhead, cue ball and chrome dome? Then Ming's Hairhut For Men is the answer.

Our trained technicians take the hair from your butt and with our magic formula, transfer it to your head painlessly, giving new meaning to the phrase,"get your head out of your butt".

This offer is only available to baldies residing in temperate climates as our laboratory tests on human epidermis show that when subjected to tropical temperatures, Elmer's Glue All tends not to always hold.

Minh Achieves Personal Best

New record for Ming. First time he was bounced from two jobs in one morning. Flunkies R Us sent him to airport to temporarily fill security job. Ming was diligently frisking all stewardesses when boss tries to can him for gross incompetence, indecency and chewing gum while on duty. Ming is too clever for him, pointing out you can't fire someone who strictly adhered to Federal anti-profiling guidelines since he even expedited boarding for two guys in robes screaming death to the infidel.

So they put Ming in dead end job in unclaimed luggage. First customer is little old lady that claims she lost her Amelia Earhart. Ming tells her to get over it. Amelia's been lost since 1937 and it's time to move on. Things go downhill from there and before you can file for unemployment, poor Ming is escorted onto the street.

Maybe Ming should try to get into public relations, especially with stewardesses.

Where's Ming's Stimulus Package?

Ming can only hope the Government gets it to him soon and they at least include several copies of the recently released Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Until then, Ming's mind is totally unfocused on what's really important.

He keeps getting the most random associations as he rummages in the crowded attic of his mind. Did you ever notice that Ringo Starr bears an uncanny resemblance to the presumably late Yasser Arafat? Note that there are no photos of them together. Could it be that good old Yasser is now enjoying his millions under the sobriquet of a rock star?

Then again Ming suspects that fitness guru Jillian Michaels looks suspiciously like a slimmed down version of Lou Ferrigamo of Hulk fame. And when will Andy Kaufman resurface to give the finger to everyone he duped that he was dead? These are reasons why poor Ming needs that stimulus package post haste.

Where Have Standards Gone?

Ming was watching CNBC early this morning and it would appear that Becky Quick was sporting a very distinct 5 o'clock shadow.

The very least these talking heads could do is shave before inflicting themselves on poor Ming who's laboring without the benefit of his full quotient of coffee at that hour.

It also wouldn't hurt for Joe Kernan to invest in some prunes so that every time he attempts to form a thought he needn't display that constipated look of his.

Then again, perhaps Ming's standards are too high.

A Truss You Can Trust

That's the motto for Ming's new , no can lose, business venture. Ming, whose hand is on the pulse of the economy and several other places where it shouldn't be, notes that gold ownership is now in vogue. Various pundits advocate physical ownership rather than owning gold through some intangible certificate that may not be honored when gold is most needed in a financial emergency.

That being so, once you take possession, you can't just leave it lying around. It should be kept on or about your person at all "times. But gold is very heavy in relation to size. That's where Ming comes in. Why wind up in the hernia ward from lugging around your fortune?" Ming's infomercial will query, "Why not buy a one-size-fits-all truss you can trust?" as the camera zooms in on the nether region's of the hapless Won Hung Lo who neglected to procure a genuine Ming truss before trying to move his hoard. After viewing that disaster, Ming's cup will runeth over as orders pour in.

Poor Uncle Zhiping Nailed For Skipping With Cash

Ming's uncle Zhou Zhiping was born in 1910, when the Chinese emperor still sat on his throne. Now, the 98-year-old has become the oldest person to go on trial in China and, arguably, the world.

He is facing charges over an alleged money scam, which cheated an American academic out of over $100 000. The success of the supposed intricate plot depended on Zhou Zhiping’s age. Two of his younger accomplices told a 74-year-old Chinese-American academic with two doctorates in physics and chemistry, surnamed Chen, that the elderly man was, in fact, a politician called Li Liejun.

The real Li Liejun, who was a general in the Chinese Nationalist army, died in 1946. The plotters, however, convinced the academic that the ersatz Li Liejun was still alive, had preserved his elaborate political connections and was looking to access substantial assets which were frozen during the communists’ war with China’s nationalist forces.

The assets, according to the scheme, added up to at least $1.3 trillion. The accomplices demanded a $100 000 fee from Chen with a promise to give him three million dollars in return for his efforts after the assets were unfrozen. The victim was happy to oblige and transferred the requested sum to Zhou Zhiping and his two young accomplices before realizing he had been conned.

Now that Zhou Zhiping is facing charges, government officials claim that no lenient treatment will be given to him. A fraud involving such a sum would normally face the penalty of ten years of imprisonment. Some concessions were given to the alleged elderly con-man based on his age: he is awaiting his sentence at home, and was interrogated by prosecutors in the presence of a doctor.

Zhou Zhiping is reportedly insisting that he is innocent. According to the Xinhua news agency, he said in court: “That’s nonsense! I’m not guilty. I won’t be jailed”.

It remains unclear when the trial will end or a verdict delivered.

This scam scenario is not unusual in China. Many attempts to use the country’s historic context to swindle money have been made. The People’s Republic of China and the U.S. resumed diplomatic relations in the late 1970s. It was then that America agreed to lift a freeze on Chinese assets held in the U.S., put in place at the time of the Communist takeover.

Entire family very upset with Zhou. Getting caught is very bad form.

Ming On Short List For Commerce Secretary

Ming is a shoe-in. He has it all. A willingness to toady. No scruples. No income, so no possibility of being tainted by tax issues. Best of all, Ming knows nothing about what a Commerce Secretary is supposed to do so he's perfectly malleable. If the job comes with a car, Ming could even use it to moonlight as a livery cab driver and if there's an expense account, that solves the stimulus issue for the economy.

Yogi Berra Was Right

The hard hitting SEC has now covered itself in yet more glory by entering into a settlement with Bernie Madoff whereby the great man will eventually pay a fine and agree to reimburse his dupes sometime in the future.

Naturally, according to Bernie nothing is now left. Yet, Ming remains convinced the smiling Bernie's next move is to raise money which he promises to invest and then donate his management fees on the profits and his commissions as the basis for repayment. Surely the astute Bernie will promise a generous guaranteed return of no less than 12%.

Eager investors are doubtlessly lining up outside his penthouse even as this is being written. It's deja vu all over again.

Now Ming Gets To Live Forever

For the last several days, Ming has been exercising 24 hours a day. That's why he hasn't had time to post. Lucky for Ming he saw that T.V. commercial on Channel 2 that said for every hour one exercises they gain two hours of life. Ming figures that at this rate, exercising 24/7, he gets to live forever.

Ming can enjoy the power of compound interest and eventually live long enough to own the world. Better yet, Ming can watch all his enemies croak(technical medical term), while the ever youthful Ming just keeps going and going just like the Energizer Bun...zzzzzzzzzzz.

Ming Investigates The CIA

Thumb twiddling while waiting for his ship to come in leaves Ming plenty of time to engage in self-destructive behavior. High on the list is watching television if only for the entertainment value of the commercials.

Ming's current favorite is the CIA recruitment ad showing the type of fresh-faced young idealists they want to hire as a voice-over intones the requirements for hire whose possessors can only be found at Boy Scout Jamborees.

What the clods at the CIA really need are slimy, scheming, devious dastards like the lovable Ming. Just give Ming Carte Blanche(or even Master Card) and he'll quickly go out and buy a dagger(he already has a cloak). Within a trice he'll have all our enemies singing Yankee Doodle Dandy in Urdu, Farsi and Pathan. Admittedly, not a pretty sight but they'd be eating cous-cous out of the palm of Ming's unwashed hand.

Unfortunately, Ming's somewhat checkered past does not lend itself to too close scrutiny and certainly would not stand up to the Boy Scout's Oath as espoused at the CIA so they'll just have to make do with the Duddly Doorights that are sure to apply.
They'll probably promulgate checkoff forms to be sent to all addresses asking you to put a check in box a if a patriot, box b if a terrorist and box c if undecided and consider that a job well done.

Ming Watches Super Bowl

Entire problem revolves around there only being one football. Opposing team becomes enraged that they can't fondle football and biggest members assault opposing team. Seeing what's in store for him, football fondler cleverly throws ball to team member furthest behind. That worthy, fearing for his life, prudently throws ball to team member already so frightened that he's running toward locker room. Idea is to catch ball and keep running away. This seldom works as planned.

Whole point of game is to create excuse for doing grievous bodily harm to other team members without getting caught by guys dressed in underwear. Knocking them down and stepping on them seems acceptable but player only allowed rabbit punches and choke holds when guys in underwear not looking.

It seems to sports fan Ming that greater efficiency could be achieved by arming teams with brass knuckles and saps. But then again all the saps are already in the stands.