FDA To Approve Irridescent Hemmorhoid Cream

Once again, in their quest to approve anything that doesn't effectuate a cure, the glorious FDA has outdone themselves. A boon to careerists everywhere, this latest innovation will serve to no longer keep ambitious climbers of the corporate ladder in the dark. No longer will they have to rely on such outmoded props to their careers as ability and knowledge. All these arse kissers need now do is locate the source of that glow and apply themselves ass-iduously. Hennie smoochers the world over can once again thank the FDA whose spokesperson has provided the following unsolicited testimonial, "Not only have we approved this product, but we use it as well thus ensuring our tenure".

Madoff To Hire Ming

Bernie Madoff's attorneys are now considering an insanity defense for the great man(they really are), and plan to hire Ming to aid in that effort.

Naturally barrister Ming shows up in his very best peruke prepared to cite precedent, plead, plea bargain and make a general nuisance of himself while collecting an outsized fee based not on his efforts but on the size of the client's wallet.

Insultingly, all they really want is for Bernie to study Ming so as to give credence to his plea while in the courtroom. Drooling is of course de rigueur as is twitching manfully. Evidence of tourette syndrome, while no sign of insanity, does lend itself to the image if sundry expletives present themselves randomly in stentorian tones. All Bernie really need do is slavishly follow Ming's example and he should give a bravura performance.

Ming Proposes Expedited Bailout Plan

Let's just turn over everything to Goldman Sachs right now and put an end to the charade. Case in point; After they beat IndyMac down and it was taken over by the FDIC, that glorious Agency is going to sell it at a fire sale price to a private equity firm.

Naturally, it's almost redundant to point out that this firm, Dune Capital Management has strong ties to Goldman Sachs. The Chairman and Co-CEO, Steve Mnuchin, is from a family of Goldman Sachs bankers while it's other Co-CEO, Dan Niedich was in charge of investing Goldman's capital in real estate. George Soros funded them in 2004.

But it gets better. On November 21st, Treasury, run by former Goldman Chief Honcho, Hank Paulson, authorized special expedited bank charters for private equity groups. Dune Capital Management has now applied for such a charter and may qualify for TARP money.

So in summary, they make money beating the assets and hence the entity into the ground and the taxpayer pays through the FDIC. Then they buy the entity when it's assets are artificially depressed and are likely to borrow money from the taxpayer to make sure they succeed.

Ming would try to make the stray dollar by selling them ski masks to hide their shame while conducting such internecine brigandage, but they do all this in the open, with a song on their lips. Just sign over everything now, they'll get it all anyway.

You Do The Math

Authorities are threatening poor Bernie Madoff with some time in Club Fed and a potential fine constituting the staggering sum of five million dollars.

Now since Bernie admitted to copping the stray fifty billion dollars to tide him over in his golden years, Ming, as a dedicated abacist has recourse to his trusty abacus to compute the wages of sin.

After much angst and expletives best left deleted, Ming keeps getting the same answer and the answer is those wages of sin compute pretty good. Five million is one hundredth of one percent of fifty billion.

Admittedly, if this was an ongoing Ponzi scheme there might not be that much left although any monies paid out over the last six years are fraudulent conveyances subject to forfeit to the bankruptcy referee as would all monies paid out if this was an ongoing conspiracy from inception.

On the other hand, Bernie says there was only two or three hundred million left and a man of his position in the community can surely be taken at his word.

Ming Learns The Secret To Amassing Wealth

Steal, but wear a suit while doing so. Running into Seven-Elevens waving a water pistol will only get you ten to twenty in durance vile. Promising gullible dupes(and we all are to one degree or another), wealth beyond the dreams of avarice will reap you not only the big bucks but respect, honor and, (Ming's favorite), adulation as well.

The trick is to have a passport in good order and the brains to know when to use it. That's why Ming can hardly wait for Bernie Madoff's book to be published in a society where no matter how vile your deeds, you can always write the book afterwards.

Until then, Ming will have to be satisfied watching advertisements from people who say they made millions in the market with their system but curiously, still seem to need your crappy few bucks to tell you how it's done.

Poor Ming Has Bad Hair Day

Everyone picks on poor Ming and tells him to buy a nose hair trimmer. At least that's more constructive than what the touts on CNBC tell you to buy. They all talk their book and the schlemiels who watch are supposed to hop aboard and rescue them from their own folly. How many years have they been pushing Pfizer as a great defensive play as it dropped from $28 to below $16 obviating any benefit from the dividend?

Then there's Cramer who never saw a trend he didn't like. For instance, nine years ago as 2000 approached and up until the drop, the great man was hot for tech. Everything he touts turns to yak fece. i.e.his recent recommendation of Wachovia which imploded within a week.

Ming plans to develop a contrarian fund selling naked calls on all their picks for all those nose pickers out there like Ming who want to pick winners despite those bad hair days.

Poor Ming Is Victim Of Misunderstanding

Apparently, there's an ordinance against ordnance even when housed in the sanctity of one's home. So the soreheads in authority took umbrage when they learned poor Ming had a nice rocket launcher on the premises. He was probably ratted out by his perfidious neighbors after he tested fired it a little in the backyard.

Yet, how else is poor Ming to protect himself? Here in New York, he lives in a very bad area. Even the police patrol cars have signs in their windows claiming, "Driver Does Not Carry Cash".

Just when Ming thought he was talking his way out of a trip downtown, the officers on the scene saw his computer opened up to the Dendreon Message Board at Investor Village. That was enough to convince them he was unstable and not in full command of his faculties. So until that little matter got cleared up, Ming hadn't been posting his usual twaddle for several days for which he apologizes.

Free Bernie

The Free Bernie Committee will do anything to keep the great man from suffering durance vile. They'll even seek the advice of the ambulance chasing law firm of Wei, Su, Yu and Wynn who put junior barrister Ming on the case.

The wily Ming quickly rejects the twinkie defense since the only sweet Bernie ever desired was a sweet deal for himself.

The insanity defense, whereby we argue Bernie suffers from megalomania causing him to do anything that enhances his importance as a captain of finance and font of eleemosynary largesse has little merit.

Barrister Ming will instead argue that Bernie was befuddled in his dotage into seeing himself as an extension of the Government in general and the Social Security Administration, in particular.

Think about it. Both take in huge sums, paying out some small fraction and spending the rest. Each hopes to keep taking in sums huge enough to at least pay the saps enough to placate them into sending in yet more money.

Perhaps Ming can even argue Bernie should be declared a National Treasure.

Cartoonist Desperately Needed

Ming understands that the Securities and Exchange Commission is in the market for a good cartoonist capable of reducing difficult concepts into line drawings.

More specifically, once Bernie Madoff gets around to explaining what he actually did and how he executed his scam, it will be job of that cartoonist to present it in a simplified form conducive to understanding by the SEC Enforcement Division.

Realizing this will be no easy task, given the quality of Enforcement personnel, the SEC is prepared to extend to the lucky job candidate a full fringe benefits package equal to that now enjoyed by it's current staff. This will include seminars in sundry sunny vacation spas, employment possibilities with well connected law firms and investment houses upon retirement and of course, the standard three hour break during the work day. He may even get to marry one of Bernie's nieces.

All applications should be forwarded to Special SEC Enforcement Agents, Stan Still and Ben Dover who are prepared to process all applicants thoroughly.

Ming Just Can't keep Up

Once again, poor Ming hasn't posted as he desperately tries to fulfill his business obligations.

There's the rush order to add Bernie Madoff to his popular line of famous swindler bubble gum cards. After all, kiddies need their heroes.

Then there was the MMMM orders pouring in worldwide for protest placards suitable for display outside Courthouses inscribed Madoff Mulcted My Money.

The specialty order from 535 Congresspersons demanding "I Got The Finger From Gettlefinger" buttons also had to be serviced.

Curiously, the Washington Press Corp all placed orders for size 16 steel tipped shoes deliverable prior to the President's next press conference.

Here at Ming Novelty Industries, the people that brought you the full line of Monica Lewinsky flavored cigars, the opportunities for new products are boundless.

Apologia

Poor Ming hasn't posted in two days due to his selflessly aiding the authorities in their enquiries. It would appear a tiny misunderstanding arose as Ming reached into his pocket to retrieve a hanky while riding a crowded subway car. The pocket in question turned out to contain a wallet much to Ming's delight.
After a short sprint through several subway cars the wallet's original owner and a meddling plainclothesman were able to alert Ming to the potential for misunderstanding.
Everything should then have been copacetic, but just like the FDA, there are those who are punctilious and unreasonable about details.
At least three hots and a cot are more than anyone receives when going up against the FDA.

Save Sorrowful Su Soon

Ming's cousin Su of the law firm of Wei, Su, Yu and Wynn purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the noble Su filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, Su stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that Ming's cousin had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

Su sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that lawyer Su held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the savvy Su for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

After Su cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, poor Su was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This incendiary tale will hopefully burn you up enough to send Ming bail money to save Su soon. All checks should be made out to cash.

Ming Won't Pay

Enough is enough and plenty is too much. Taxation has gone too far now that the Environmental Protection Agency has proposed a flatulence tax on cows. Can people be far behind?

Ming refuses to pay a surtax every time he buys a can of beans and he certainly isn't going to let any government minion attach a meter to his posterior.

Besides, how does taxing the methane gas emitted by cows and maybe poor dyspeptic Ming on the rare occassion, help global warming? Will either the cow or Ming be inclined to desist if they suffer a tax every time they get a gas attack?

Why doesn't the Government just issue seltzer as needed? It's so very unfair especially since it's been days if not weeks since Ming has cleared an elevator, although he does admit it's fun watching the reaction.

Buy Your Mingtone Now

Yes, Ming Industries, the people who brought you reversible underwear, does it again.

Equip your cell phone with a Mingtone and never again have to worry that others will eavesdrop when you receive a call. Our Mingtone Bronx Cheer model is scientifically designed to approximate the juiciest of flatulations at every ring thus affording you the privacy so necessary when you receive those embarrassing calls from your bookie, bill collector and the IRS demanding money.

Our full line of privacy enhancing ringtones include the gunshot, the expletive and the ever popular, primal scream. Become a trend setter and have the pleasure of watching those near you flee for cover every time your cell phone rings. Order your Mingtone today and receive a complementary can of Mace to encourage those less than fleet of foot to make a more timely egress.

A Heroic Ming Calls For Revolution

All those personally familiar with Ming can attest that he is revolting. Now you too, can be as revolting as Ming. Man those barricades. Storm those ramparts. Ming will be right behind you. Unless of course, it rains that day and Ming forgets his galoshes. No use both of us getting our feet wet, especially if there's shooting. Ming finds the noise is very unpleasant when there's shooting in his immediate vicinity. Maybe Ming should just stay home focusing on his future profits in Dendreon and you can tell him later how it all turned out. For the squeamish, delegating the implementation of one's agenda is ever so much more satisfying. It frees up precious time to think about even more benefits for society. Remember, be like Ming and seek change, even if it's only found behind the sofa cushions.

Fraud In The Execution

Everyone is trying to screw poor Ming. A trip to the supermarket is proof of this perfidiousness. A pound of coffee is now 11-13ounces. A half-gallon of ice cream has slimmed down from 64 to 56 ounces. The list is endless. Today Ming bought soap(yes, he's acquainted with this product) and once he opened the box, found it was shaped as though he already wore it down.

Thank goodness the glorious stock market is pure and true. Brokers are without blemish and short-only hedge funds are acting in the public interest by keying their efforts only on stocks that deserve to be assaulted.

Meanwhile, Ming notices that yogurt containers have suspiciously taken on the look of thimbles. Where will it all end?

Ming Reminisces

During The Panic of 1873, Ming of course, was still a mere stripling working in a hand laundry, although why anyone sent their hands out to be laundered always escaped him. The Grunderkrach, or founder's crash, was the trigger when the Vienna Stock Exchange foundered. The Long Depression lasted until 1879 and was caused by false overexpansion and dishonest manipulation. To this day, you can't mention Northern Pacific Railway bonds without Granduncle Fong infarcting. There was a chain reaction of bank failures, the New York Stock Exchange closed and voters repudiated the Republican Party.
What with the Brooklyn Bridge still under construction, poor Ming had to find a less munificent edifice to live under.
It could happen again. This is why Ming is loath to chase sharp rallies in a secular bear market. There is yet worse to come.
Dendreon will, of course, be pushed around by the fate of the general market, but it's own fate will be ultimately decided by an event or events exogenous to the market's machinations. Thus Ming will not operate heavy machinery while owning Dendreon, nor will he give any keynote addresses. Should there be any surprise announcements he would in the former instance, hate to be pumping his fist in victory only to have it ensconced in the wood chipper he was operating, while in the latter case, it would be ever so embarrassing for him to lose control of all bodily functions while on the speakers' dais.

Ming Causes Brouhaha At Book Signing

Ming was conducting a book signing at a local Barnes and Noble last night when some churl asked him to desist. Apparently, the Manager saw no merit in Ming signing books in the aisles at random. Although Ming gave a good account of himself, they got lucky with a well executed headlock and were able to escort Ming from the premises.
Note to readers: Disregard the Dorothy Parker dictum ; Men seldom make passes , At girls who wear glasses". Ming does and a great way to do it is to graciously offer to sign whatever tome resides in their dainty little mitt. Warning: Ming has learned from bitter experience to not sign Ernest Hemingway, Kurt Vonnegut or other such authors who are widely known to be dead. Also avoid signing copies of The Audacity Of Hope as the author's picture is right on the cover and makes for an all too ready comparison.
After his summary ejection, Ming's next move will be to find a nice white coat and start signing Conditional Response Letters at the FDA. He's on much firmer ground there since he has to know as much about biological therapeutics as they do. Then again, so does everyone else.

A Layman's Guide To Statistical Debate

Oftentimes, a person not well grounded in probability theory feels at a loss in making responses to recondite posts involving statistical analysis. This need not be so. Allow Ming to guide your faltering footsteps through this maze as follows:

1) Before composing your post, always first imbibe no less than a quart of Old Overholt. This will allow you to realize that you have many insightful thoughts to share.

2) Always remain keen to use technical terms such as alpha, P value, standard deviations, H.R. etc. Be sure to mix and match at random.

3) Insert Latin wherever remotely possible. Quid pro quo, ipso facto, inter alia, etc. This lends an aura of scholarship to your stupid argument.

4) Derogate your opponent at every opportunity by inserting meaningless phrases, such as "Let's not compare apples and oranges" or "That's neither here nor there".

5) Never forget that the last refuge of the ignorant is a good ad hominem attack(see #3 above) which is always in vogue. Ming's personal favorite is "Only a fool would think that".

6) Lastly, remember that people are always impressed by the strength of your convictions, rather than the content of your argument. So feel free to use invective, display anger and threaten the physical safety of your opponent.

Ming hopes to soon be marketing these insights and incites in C.D. format. Check your local T.V. listings under paid programming, always a good source of worthwhile information.

Ming Makes Lemonade From Lemons

Gracious host Ming brings out a nice glass jar filled with poisonous snakes fermenting in baijiu. The Chinese consider snake alcohol to be medicinal and comrade Wei Pork Yu, author of the latest five year plan is honored.

After much lubrication, Wei's tongue is loosened and begins to brag that his five year plan calling for stimulus in the form of new infrastructure will provide the basis for Chinese expansion. He sneers that the U.S. attempts to arouse banks to keep lending to consumers will be a boon only to the Chinese finger puzzle industry as they fritter away their money on tchotskes. He says that then the U.S. will be forced to sell it's assets to the cash rich and more productive Chinese.

The major source of it's foreign exchange will then be Chinese tourist dollars as they arrive to tour their new colony. America will become a nation of waiters and prostitutes(think France). They will be reduced to producing rickshaws for internal consumption since no one will be able to afford an auto. Only PhDs will be allowed to apply for the relatively lucrative position of rickshaw puller and will be the envy of the less well educated masses.

Ming will grow rich selling plastic sandals and straw coolie hats for Brooks Brothers new line of executive wear.

Ming To Be Declared Idiot Savant

A proud Ming always knew he had the idiot part down pat. Now he supposes the savant part is in recognition of his ability to play the Beer Barrel Polka on the kazoo while simultaneously abusing himself. Yet Ming secretly hopes it's because he bought Dendreon and is soon to be vindicated notwithstanding everything the stock hasn't done recently.

Then a gracious Ming will be giving a hearty handshake to one and all. Just remember to ask him to use one of those wet wipes beforehand.

Jellybeans On Wheels

Rolls Royce, Mercedes Benz, any of the Big Three's emissions, it doesn't matter. They all look alike to the untutored Ming and the look isn't one that sells cars.

If you ever saw a 1959 Cadillac Eldorado and you stayed alert as all of it went by, you'd never mistake it for any of the jellybeans that pass for cars today.

Since Ming has the stray moment not otherwise devoted to wringing his hands over the stock market's demise as a source of obscene riches, he'll solve Detroit's problems without even extorting an outrageous consulting fee.

All those cretins need do is bring back the 1957 Studebaker Golden Hawk, the 1957 Lincoln Premiere and the gorgeous 1957 Chrysler 300C. But oh no, not those louts. They would rather now come out with something yet worse than their jellybean specials. Their latest attempts to bring back mass bus transit look like bicycles with boxes on top.

Couldn't they make at least one more 1957 Pontiac Safari for Ming to tool around in once he wallows in that cornucopia of cash that Dendreon will, however tardily, disgorge?

Ya Know

Ya know, ever since some poster on the Investor Village's Dendreon Board pointed out CNBC's Charlie Gasparino's penchant for interspersing "ya know" throughout his perorations, ya know, Ming has developed the neurotic habit of , ya know, counting Gasparino's ya knows.

Now, ya know, Ming sees this in almost every other cretin they interview, but ya know, those other cretins at least refrain from repeating their talking points ad nauseam, as, ya know, Gasparino does.

But, ya know, even that's preferable to the world's greatest expert on everything, Steve Leisman, running roughshod over the other commentators and guests and blithely, ya know, over talking them all.

Meanwhile, ya know, Ming knows that ya know all this, ya know?

Ming Has Been Flummoxed

For days poor Ming has been denied access to his own blog by the cretins at Google who demand he first navigate some obscure new ritual to no apparent purpose other than to frustrate the much put upon Ming. It would be easier becoming a 32nd degree Mason.

Ming almost wishes he was paying for the privilege of blogging so he could now have the exquisite pleasure of canceling his subscription and retiring in high dungeon.

Ming should also get to bill the insidious pranksters at Google for the broken furniture incurred when a frustrated Ming chewed the legs off several chairs and one end table while trying to comply with their unreasonable requests. Several guests are now suing after having sat on Ming's faulty furniture to their instant regret.

Nonetheless, a gracious Ming apologizes to his readers for not having posted his usual mind rotting material over the last few days and promises to dredge up the usual supercilious crappola for your delectation in the future assuming Google leaves him alone.

Ming's Puritanical Propensities

Based on H. L. Mencken's definition of puritanism as "the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy", Ming is right up there with Cotton Mather.

The disgruntled Ming would hate to think anyone is enjoying the great roulette wheel called the stock market whilst poor Ming is wallowing in miasma.

The next guy Ming sees on Wall Street with a smile is going to need treatment for hydrophobia as a rabid Ming bites him on the ankle.

Naturally, should Dendreon's Provenge receive approval, Ming will instantly transmute into Voltaire's Pangloss, seeing this as the best of all possible worlds.

Casting Ming's Bread Upon The Waters

Mingovia Savings Bank and it's subsidiary Ming Motor Company demand a Federal bailout. The legacy costs at Ming Motor Company for it's sole employee, Chairman Ming, are astronomical, and include items such as bail, detox, rehab, legal fees on appeal etc.

The good news is Ming Motor Company has never built a car so retooling for more fuel efficient vehicles is unnecessary, thus making them more worthy than the Big Three auto companies for a handout.

The parent company, Mingovia Savings Bank also needs money to buy toasters and escort services to use as incentives to draw in new fish which is the term of art for customers in financial circles. Hopefully, customer deposits in future will enjoy a better return now that Chairman Ming swears he will no longer bet Mingovia deposits on cheap claiming races.

Stingy Treasury Officials should be made aware that both Mingovia and Ming Motor are paragons compared to the shameless charlatans whose unwashed hands are now extended in supplication.

Ming Gives His All For The Cause

The Investor Village Message Board needs to know the interim event trigger point in the current Phase III Provenge Trial to be able to evaluate the chances for a positive result at final.

A heroic Ming is prepared to make that a reality. All they need do is whisper into the shell-like ear of Jennifer, the Dendreon Investor Relations person that should she divulge this hitherto proprietary info, an evening with Ming is hers to have. Assure her, that she can even have her way with him, assuming she first lets him supersize his fries at the elegant bistro to which he demands she take him.

Should she still prove recalcitrant to divulge the trigger after that experience, threaten her with enduring yet another evening with the drooling, insatiable, satyrlike Ming.

Ming Demands They Wire Joe Kernan's Jaw Shut

Ming also demands CNBC buy Ming a new T.V. set to replace the one he punched out this morning. An eager Ming tuned in at 7:00 A.M. to hear what the esteemed and prescient NYU economist Nouriel Roubini had to say on their pre-market show about anything he chose to opine upon. Everytime the intellectually challenged Kernan asked a question, he would steamroll Roubini with his own take on the question he posed.
So instead of Roubini being able to expand on the sound bite they allowed him, the great Kernan blathered on instead.
Ming understands this was his punishment for even tuning in CNBC, but if he wants this level of input, he can repair to one of New York's cut-rate Blarney Stone bars and get the same cut-rate input by turning to the clod doing boilermakers sitting next to him.

Ming Takes The Nickel

"If it please the Court, the People would like Mr. Ming T. Merciless to explain what a mangonel is".
A crestfallen Ming mumbles,"You can't get them anymore, so Ming built his own, but it's only a small one".
"Let the record show that Mr. Merciless admits to building and possessing this medieval siege apparatus, that he was found placing it opposite FDA Headquarters and was in possession of what the State's Forensic Laboratory found to be, six bushels of yak fece.
"Mr. Merciless, please explain your intent on being found in possession of these items at that location".
"I think I'll take the nickel on that one, if it's all the same to your worship", mumbled Ming.
"Your admissions thus far, now preclude availing yourself of fifth amendment privileges so please respond".
"They had it coming, your worship. The FDA is figuratively so full of it when deciding on new therapeutics from small biotechs that Ming decided they should be literally full of it too. But just as Ming got the right trajectory to land a flagon of fertile fece at the Commish's window, their fascist goon squad impinged on his freedom of expression" beamed the now loquacious Ming, playing to the gallery.
Bail was denied and a competency hearing is to be held after evaluation as the defendant was dragged away asking when he can have his mangonel back.

Ming Demands Bailout

Banking,Insurance, Autos, all demand and receive bailouts. Ming represents big fortune cookie interests who also like free money. Fortune cookies are the mainstay of American industry. Where else can investors go for good advice? (good fortune awaits you). How else can the lovelorn find their mate?(the time is ripe to wed). Whom else can the bemused find to guide their faltering footsteps?(this is your lucky day). What other industry would pay Ming to generate puerile platitudes?(a sunny smile is it's own reward).
To quote that unfortunate rubric,"That's how the cookie crumbles" must not be allowed to happen. Don't fudge fortune cookies. Give Ming free money now or else.(he who cradles the rock, rules the world).