Strange Pleasures

Notorious nickel nurser Ming T. Merciless has the habit of auditing his customer receipt after having reluctantly purchased unnecessary luxury goods such as food. Invariably, at the bottom of the receipt the checkout cashier's first name is given with the assertion that, and Ming quotes, "It's been my pleasure to serve you".

Now either this person has a very limited social life outside the confines of their checkout counter or this is pure balderdash. As much as Ming wants to believe that anyone coming in contact with his person in whatever capacity will take great pleasure in that event, he reluctantly has to conclude that it's the latter possibility that obtains.

Additionally, based on the human interactions afforded Ming here in his beloved New York throughout his life to date, and in the interests of accuracy, that receipt would more appropriately provide the cashier's first name and their sincere hope that customer Ming would heed the injunction to "stick it in your ear". At least then, at least, truth would be well served.

Civil War Soldier Found In Maryland To Be Honored

That's the headline Ming saw and his first reaction was, at least they should buy the poor slob a good steak dinner to make up for the political blowhards honoring him with boring speeches. Then Ming speculated that since the guy must be at least 165, he probably couldn't even gum the steak.

High school dropout Ming is beginning to become suspicious that journalism school is beginning to turn out illiterate dummies based not only on all the misspelling one sees on the crawls beneath T.V. newscasts but on headlines like the one above. Had the headline began with "Remains of.." then the befuddled Ming would not only have not been confused but would not be writing this screed and you, gentle reader, would not be as bored as you now are after having read poor Mings eructations.

China Retaliates

The excise tax that the U.S. has imposed on tire imports from The Peoples Republic has infuriated the Chinese Politburo. Head of Politburo, Wei Fuk Yu, vows to bring America to it's knees, swearing to cut off all exports to the U.S. of chinese finger puzzles.

Fuk yu, as he'd be known to his friends, if he had any, is apoplectic and also threatens to curtail export to America of all golf ball washers. "Let them play with their dirty balls" cackles Wei as he personally demonstrates the new top-of-the-line ball washer on his own balls to the admiration of all reporters in attendance who curry favor by complimenting him on the size of his own set. Wei is widely acknowledged to have more golf balls than anyone in Government service.

Wei bemoans the effect the drop in tire sales will have on the domestic paper mache industry, saying "If they don't want our crappy tires then we don't want their crappy chickens who crap all over everything. We institute new law with catchy name like Smoot-Hawley Act that solve everything". This is the sort of crappy response that brought on the great depression.

Only If They Appear In Their Underwear

Ever notice that CNBC's guests all look like they were sent over from central casting? Why should the suspicious Ming take stock advice from some clod forced to get up early, put on a suit and tie and then schlep over to CNBC to be insulted by Joe Kernan? If he was any good he'd have made enough money not to have to do all that.

Yet when one of these "experts" such as Byran Wien, David Rosenberg etc. lose their sinecure, they land somewhere else toot de suite rather than staying home and trading for their own account while sitting there comfortably in their underwear.

Ming will only take seriously a guest who refuses to be interviewed anyplace but at home while sitting in their underwear preferably with some curvaceous cutie half their age ensconced on their lap running her fingers across his bald pate. Now that's someone whose advice can be relied on because it has paid off.

"A Rose Is A Rose Is A Rose"

With apologies to Gertrude Stein's Sacred Emily, but anointing new pharmaceuticals with unpronounceable, impossible to remember names with little, if any nexus to the product bearing that name is counterproductive.

In this, the enterprising Ming sees opportunity. Understanding that names must be unique to be copyrighted, there remains no reason that names cannot still be evocative.

Ming's new service, "What's In A Name?" is now available to any Pharma about to flog an as yet, unnamed product. Ming will provide a unique name, one that is memorable and most importantly, one easily associated with the malady at hand.

Have a new palliation for diarrhea? "Canit" is the name to use.

Creating a nostrum for weak bladders? Label your product "Nowee".

Developing a product to fight flatulence? "Notme" is the answer.

Ming hopes his "no money back" policy will do much to thwart unnecessary lawsuits from disgruntled Pharmas with lousy products and no sense of humor.

No One Listens To Ming

Ming said, "Abe, why not stay home and work on the stamp collection tonight. Our American Cousin got lousy reviews anyway". Lincoln didn't listen.

Ming said, "Georgie, better you should take the Civil Service Exam and get a nice, safe Post Office sinecure". Custer didn't listen.

More recently, Ming was quaffing a brewsky in the Burger Brau Keller when he told some loudmouth he could do better by going to America and opening a nice kosher deli in the Bronx. Adolf paid him no mind.

Now Ming advises all reading this screed to prepare for the next down leg in the economy, the stock market and the general standard of living .

As soon as the next leg down in the market ensues, you'd be well served going long the FAZ which is a triple short of all NASDAQ stocks. Naturally, no one will listen to Ming.

Put A Smile On Your Face

Ever wonder what makes other people smile? After much due diligence Ming has found the answer. Criminal indictment.

Sir Allen Stanford in shackles giving a cheery thumbs up for the camera. Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco $10,000 shower curtain and $6000 umbrella stand fame grinning like a mongoloid as he enters the Courthouse.

It's patently obvious that if you ever hope to achieve happiness in this veil of tears, you must first aspire to criminal indictment.

Thus Ming enjoins you to go out there and rob, steal, defalcate, abscond with regimental funds and yes, even spit on the sidewalk if you ever hope to reach nirvana.

Of course be sure and send Ming his cut before you're found out since the ever dour Ming can best be cheered up by folding green.

Ming Cashes In On Health Care

Connoisseur of the fast buck, Ming T. Merciless has been pouring over the new health care legislation looking for opportunity.

That's why Ming is now investing in ice houses. Someone has to make all those ice floes that senior citizens are going to be on when they're floated out to sea.

Ming also plans to franchise across the country his new Plug Pulling Service for those medical personnel too squeemish to pull the cord.

Likewise, since trained doctors will be superfluous in making end of life decisions which will soon be based on government guidelines, his trained end of life counselors will stand at the ready offering low cost alternatives ranging from the garrote to the ever popular gas pipe.

Fortunately for the enfeebled geriatrics in Congress, they have their own health plan which is much more understanding of the vicissitudinous vagaries of old age.

Merely Mail Ming Money

Make mucho money mastering market moves mimicking Ming's mulcting machinations. Why wade through interminable commercials on Tout T.V. just to glean the stray stock recommendation? Ming does all the work for you. All you need do is send Ming money and receive Ming's Magic Market Money Maker", a copyright distillation of all bullish prognostications from major media mavens.

Now you can blithely disregard the observation that the current 50% rally replicates the 1930 48% rally preceding the next plunge in the market. You can cavalierly forget about the dismal unemployment situation(artfully massaged by the Government to show a positive skew). Laughingly overlook corporate profits which are just a function of cost cutting(already artfully pictured as positive by serendipitous reduction in analyst expectations). Cheerfully overlook dismal real estate values, defaults and dormant construction. Happily ignore ballooning federal deficits and the collapsing dollar.

Rely instead on the recommendations of sell side analysts on T.V. whose firm's front run those recommendations for a quick trade. Most of all, rely on honest newsletter purveyors such as Ming, to guide your faltering footsteps.

When sending in your payment(cash always given priority), be sure to label your payment clearly as being for "Ming's Market Money Maker" so Ming doesn't inadvertently send you "Ming's Lucky Lotto Dream Decoder" or his equally popular Ming's Guide To Manipulating Slot Machines".

Our operators are now on standby to take your order. Mention Ming and receive your free guide to "Surviving On Social Security". But that's not all. The first 500 callers will receive a complementary tin cup and one dozen pencils to foil panhandling accusations by the authorities for those implementing the bullish recommendations distilled from Tout T.V. Call now. What do you have to lose except more money?

Ming Cures Economic Malaise

Intrigued by the putatively successful "cash for clunkers" program, Ming has an epiphany. Arm every disgruntled kiddie and other such chronic malcontent with a bag of rocks sending them out to break every window in the country. This not increases employment but the massive outlay to replace all those windows should stimulate the economy to the degree that prosperity cannot then be avoided.

Ming's only question is where does he have to go to pick up his Nobel Prize in Economics?.

Everything Was Going So Well

Then Ming's parents said tomorrow he's to start kindergarten. It's been all downhill from there.

It's tough finding out you're no longer the center of the universe. That's why everyone scrambles to get rich, become famous, excel at something or anything and do everything else that we all do.

No matter how old and jaded we become, it's still all about, "Hey mommy, look at me".

The basis of all action is the seeking of love, no matter how we pervert that desire into the actions we take or the self-destructive devices we find to seek solace.

After much introspection, Ming has finally found the answer. Reject all worldly goods and conceits. Retire to a mountaintop with several cases of Reddi-Wip, Little Debbie Cream Cakes and find Nirvana or a case of diabetes, whichever comes first.

Use Your Head

Once again, Ming takes precious time from his lucrative financial endeavors to solve your problems despite missing out to others on all those stray deposit cans and bottles.

Illegal immigration. Tax evasion. National security. Ming solves them all in one simple solution. A bar code tattooed on your forehead. No tattoo or an unauthorized bar code and you're bounced out of the Country. All income is coded in on receipt and all payments get coded out on payment. Just extend your forehead to be scanned. Likewise, access to any venue will require scanning thus ensuring that no terrorist can assume your identity.

As to any thoughts on abridgment of your freedoms, you've lost that fight long ago.

Ming had originally postulated that the most appropriate location for these bar codes would be your posterior if only because there's so much more room to store information but his survey shows that cellulite tends to make the bars wavy thus foiling proper scanning by all such devices developed to date.

Get Screwed By Ming

This is the chance of a lifetime to get Screwed. Send now for Ming's new board(bored?) game, Screwed.

Just as in real life you roll the dice to see if you're screwed. Land on the solid citizen square and buy into the system. Spend money getting a higher education. Get a position in corporate America. Pay unconscionable rates of taxation. See your 401(k) get ravished in a crooked stock market. Get laid off in your prime as corporations downsize and die in penury.

Conversely, land on illegal immigrant and wash ashore. Being devoid of credentials you are reduced to doing something useful. Mow lawns, drive cabs. Once you receive enough cash income on which you neglect to pay taxes, open a barber shop or bodega. Collect more cash and instead of paying taxes, buy rental property collecting still more lovely untraceable cash. After ten years retire in your suburban mansion and be revered as a success.

Ming's game is educational and can be played by anyone. Play by the rules and lose. Flout the rules and win. As the T.V. commercial says,"What's in your wallet?".

Michael Milken Milked Manuscript

The cranky Ming is tired of hearing how the great Michael Milken created the idea that a portfolio of high yield junk bonds can be a superior investment what with the excess yield more than covering defaults.

Let it be written into the record that as a student at Berkeley, he came across a study by W. Braddock Hickman evaluating companies with poor credit ratings. It was Hickman who concluded that a diversified portfolio of these instruments was relatively safe and threw off a high yield.

A.T. Atkinson extended that study to 1944-1965 with the same results. Milken was just a salesman hawking the ideas of someone else.

As with most things in life, the creator, discoverer or pioneer gets an arrow in his back and the guy that comes along after the heavy lifting has been done garners the rewards. Pioneers such as Daniel Boone, George Rogers Clark and Simon Kenton died broke just as many will do who originally saw merit and invested in future successful biotechs which initially stumbled(or were pushed) to their financial detriment while later investors reap the easy profits once their innovations bear fruit.

105 Free Meals

That caught Ming's attention. Apparently, some dieting company advertises on television that they'll send you frozen meals. You eat them and lose weight. To suck you in they also promise to send 105 extra meals.

Ming admits to having the stray extra pound or fifteen and figures this is a winner. Assuming he can scarf down ten or twenty of these suckers a day over a five day period, he should lose all that extra weight quickly. After all,without a freezer, those meals would only have melted anyway.

Even if it doesn't work out, with all those overweight people signing on, investing in shares of whatever company makes stomach pumps is a sure winner. You really don't think all those tubbies, once given access to 105 free meals are going to pace themselves do you?

Topical Stamp Collectors Rejoice

No longer need your collecting efforts be confined to mundane topics such as birds, flowers, trains, planes etc. on stamps. With the soon to be approved Michael Jackson stamp you can be the first collector in your stamp club to collect pedophiles on stamps.

It's been said that one can learn much about a society by it's art. It's also been said that a society chooses stamps as one vehicle to highlight to the world all it holds dear.

No longer need we be confined to pictures of dead presidents or champions of liberty on our stamps. No longer must we pay tribute to such jaded shibboleths as Arbor Day or military victories such as Iwo Jima.

The greatest selling adhesive was the Elvis stamp. Let's honor what sells. Proudly use the Michael Jackson stamp on all your correspondence and let the world see what you stand for. Can a stamp honoring bestiality be far behind?

We Have A Winner

This year's winner of the "Not Even Ming Could Come Up With Something This Stupid Award" is Chiaobama. All you need do is google chiaobama and the websight you get will afford you the opportunity to order either or both the Happy and/or the Cheerful Obama. Water the statue's head and grow green chia on it.

Walgreen's has already recalled this gem of poor taste but it's still available on Amazon.com, the website cited above and is advertised on television.

Now that Billy Mays has gone, standards have become yet lower and much like the old Batman T.V. series it's hard to make fun of something that seems to satirize itself.

A Clarion Call To Better Health

The virtuous Ming has no desire to subsidize universal health care for lazy, loutish, lackaday losers who refuse to preserve their health.

Most people can barely waddle into supermarkets to buy their extra large bags of Cheese Doodles after prying themselves out of their autos with spatulas. They endlessly scheme until awarded the much sought after handicap sticker so as to avoid walking those extra ten paces.

They compound the effects of their sloth by shoving anything that doesn't move into their cake holes after which they demand the Government pay for palliations of the degenerative medical conditions that their lifestyles have earned them.

Let them instead take a leaf from Ming's book. Subway turnstile jumping can keep one agile. Running builds stamina when others call, "stop thief". Eating only what fits into your pockets at the hors d'oeuvres table from the parties you crash or the yummies you scrounge from your favorite dumpster will help keep you svelte and save you mucho coin besides.

Unfortunately, the only way most people will ever exert themselves while avoiding snacks is if they are placed on a treadmill with a dollar bill just out of reach.

A Pickpocket's Paradise

Ming ran across the televised U.S. Open Golf Tournament and wonders why those crowds are willing to stand around in the rain to glean a very imperfect view of their dubious heroes doing very convoluted but also very trivial peregrinations in pursuit of their little balls whilst affording enterprising pickpockets the proverbial field day.

At least they should arm these "pros" with scythes as they plumb the forest primeval in pursuit of their little balls thus getting some use of these frequent treks into the waist high weeds. The only time Paedric Harrington, even saw the fairway during the entire event was when he teed up.

It also would be prudent to abandon all pretense that putters are of any use once the elusive green is attained. "Tiger" Woods proved this conclusively. Pool cues would clearly be more serviceable.

The money squandered on the bowling trophy with a gland condition that they present the winner could be better spent giving him a case of Guggenheimers Reserve to forget this eldritch event.

The only positive observation that Ming can make is that at least these clods have managed to escape from the dung hill of commerce that the rest of us are mired in while they are still in their prime and are not only paid to do so but actually earn adulation from the addled brained masses for playing this pointless game while someone, for instance, who does something more difficult and worthy of adulation such as pursuing a cure for a disease remains unsung.

Ming contends that anyone associated with professional golf in any manner, shape or form must devote themselves to useful employ no less than three months a year digging potatoes out of the ground to justify allocation of scarce resources to this sort of drivel. Ming will now hide in the basement under a pile of old rugs until any golfers who read this are through infarcting and cursing the fair name of Ming as they suffer apoplexy.

Ming Decides To Join The Mafia

Ming learned they have a really excellent dental plan so he sent in his application. It contains questions such as "Wassa You Name?", "Wassa You Real Name?" and an essay question of 25 words or less on "Why I Like Bocce Ball".

Ming hopes to garner one of those cool nicknames once his application meets with acceptance. Although he understands the nom de plumes of Jimmy the Weasel, Vinnie the Gimp and Tony Lacks Table Manners are already taken, Ming still feels his many quirks and foibles will engender a really good nickname.

Ming also looks forward to the secret induction ceremony where the candidate is forced to name the capitals of all fifty states while eating a box of cannolis as the made members all sing selections from My Fair Lady.

Once inducted one is given a phrase booklet from which one learns such useful cliches as "Are you lookin at me?", "You gotta problem?" and the ever popular "Fugedaboudit".

All members are then entitled to send back dishes in any Italian restaurant without fear of the kitchen staff spitting in them, have elected officials hold doors open for them and even have no one say anything when they cheat at pinochle.

The Missing Ming Mulls Many Mysteries

Poor Ming has been absent from his blog lo these many days as he spent time in his Tibetan ashram contemplating the veracities of life.

Only by developing his powers as a naldjorpa, can he hope to follow the short path and attain enlightenment in this incarnation without enduring successive rebirth. Besides who knows whether in some future rebirth if they will still have rent control.

This is why the ascetic training to develop his psychic powers allow him to plumb the really hard questions such as why the mailman in the Blondie comic strip is named Mr. Beasley when the mailman on the old Burns and Allen show was also named Mr. Beasley.

Another question that Ming is eager to fathom is where he put his glasses but that could be the subject of another post.

Dress For Success

Ming is appalled at women who aspire to power that lack the fashion sense to dress for success. Germany's Angela Merkel just now meeting with President Obama is wearing a bright yellow jacket of some dubious cut that makes her look like a canary with a gland condition. How would she like it if Obama showed up in a madras sports coat? Hillary Clinton is not only not any better, she's worse. Wearing those colorful pants suits, she's in jeopardy of being arrested for impersonating a tangerine.

In the roles they aspire to, they are not fashion plates but rather world leaders. As such they should be clothed in pinstripe suits tailored for their matronly figures. It probably would add to their gravitas if they also smoked cigars, but that's just Ming's opinion.

Ming Exercises His Right To Free Speech

Seeing all these advertisements for health clubs showing luscious cheerleader types flexing and flaunting their pulchritudinous persons led the impressionable Ming to sign up for a trial membership hoping to get lucky. Ming even took the Dominoes sign off the roof of the Mingmobile just in case he got a date.

He was looking askew at the various torture devices when some 350 pound woman asked him if he could spot her. Ming innocently replied that if necessary, he could spot her in the parking lot from six blocks away. Once the swelling went down from his concussion, the hospital finally discharged him which is why he hasn't posted for several days. And they say fat people are jolly.

Man The Barricades

Ming is revolting, but you already knew that. Yet there is only so much abuse the long suffering Ming can take before he calls for revolution.

This has nothing to do with petty concerns such as the abridgment of one's freedoms such as the right to bear arms or the abuses of the eminent domain laws allowing government to seize private property only because it can be put to a higher use, meaning greater tax revenue.

This strikes at the very heart of all that which Ming holds dear. Namely the right to receive fair value as he clogs his arteries with ice cream. Remember those halcyon days when one could waltz into any supermarket and buy a half gallon of ice cream secure in the knowledge that you'll get full measure i.e. 64 ounces of delectable dairy? Then they insidiously began packaging ice cream in 56 ounce containers. When no one rioted in the streets they became yet further emboldened. Now they have the temerity to fob off 48 ounce containers on bovine buyers. Where will it all end? Extrapolating the diminution it won't be long until a 17 ounce container will be flogged as being the large size since it's more than a pint.

Ice cream delivery trucks must be overturned and set ablaze. Supermarket dairy managers must be flogged to within an inch of their lives. Yes, even cows must be knocked over to vent our displeasure. Be sure and tell Ming how it all turns out as he's now switched to popsicles in protest.

Order Your Ming-Away Today

The only thing not in short supply on this Earth is people. Note how they're always getting in your way. Ming can't always be there personally for you to encourage their egress by his obnoxious manner, loutish loquaciousness nor odoriferous emanations.

That's why you need Ming-Away. One spray from your Ming-Away Canister clears a seat for you on that crowded subway car. One sniff will dissolve that pesky line at the supermarket checkout. One spritz rids you of those party guests too stupid to know when to go home. And one dab behind your ear will encourage that blind date that's not turning out so well to flee even before you have to pony up for dinner.

Naturally, Ming-Away tends to cling to all surfaces. This means you. So also send for Ming-Begone, guaranteed to mask the effects of Ming-Away within as little as three months.

You just can't lose.Our operators are standing by right now. Call 1-800-SCHMUCK right now. Please have a second mortgage application handy so our operators can help you fill it out. After all, shipping and handling is extra.

Pfizer Says Screw You To The Unemployed

You just can't make this stuff up. In an attempt to retain customer loyalty while earning itself some positive publicity, Pfizer will give away it's drugs to whomsoever was unemployed for three months as of the beginning of the year.

Included in this bonanza is Viagra. Ming anticipates network television, cable and Direct TV will rise in protest as Pfizer gets a rise out of their formerly paying customers. Who will be left to watch their putrid programming if the idle masses turn away from spectator sports? Ming suspects that Pfizer is really trying to stick it to them.

Dr. Merciless's Guide To Foiling The Flu

1) Avoid humanity at all costs. This is always good advice, but especially so during flu season.

2) If forced to interact with others, immediately insult them egregiously, thus cleverly avoiding the need to shake hands, always a purveyor of germs.

3) Wear a mask when away from home, especially when entering 7-Elevens. You may even be surprised to be offered money from the cash register.

4) When encountering anyone who is sneezing or coughing, immediately douse them with clorox. It's either you or them. Better them.

5) Even after taking these prophylactic measures, should you feel the onset of flu, repair to the nearest hedge fund manager and expectorate on him. Why shouldn't the deserving also suffer?

6) Once you are sure you have contracted the flu, stay home and curse uncontrollably for no less than 24 hours. This enables the blood to flow freely, cleansing your system of germs.

7) Should you intimate that the flu will cause your demise, call legal counsel immediately to have a codicil inserted in your will leaving all your worldly goods to Ming. It's the least you can do in payment for the above sterling advice.

Enquirering Nut Jobs Want To Know

Is Kirstie Alley really Al Gore in drag? This is the sort of frightening question that had Ming hiding under that pile of old rugs in the basement all week, afraid to even post on his blog. Nothing can be taken at face value any more. Everyone has an agenda.

Ming goes so far as to speculate that even Billie Mays might not have Ming's best interests at heart when he flogs all manner of crapola at $19.95 plus shipping which turns out to be a mere $100 more.

Fortunately, Ming knows the Sham-Wow guy would never lie to him.

Ming Is In

Young studs are out. The Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin just had a recent study by authors Terry F.Pettijohn and Brian J.Jungeberg indicating that evolutionary biology encourages people to seek more mature mates during times of economic insecurity. They contend that their findings even show that centerfolds in Playboy get older and rounder.

While Ming will spare an otherwise horrified populace from having to buy a magazine to view his physique, he is nonetheless ready to capitalize on this new development as soon as he polishes off that second bottle of Geritol, adjusts his toupee, locates his glasses and tries to remember where he put his walker.

Ming Bounced From Big Bocce Ball Bash

A humiliated Ming has disgraced himself by exhibiting sportsmanlike conduct during the All Mafia-Hedge Fund Bocce Ball Tournament. Neglecting to threaten any other players even once, Ming has shown a lack of bad breeding so necessary in today's competitive Mafia and Hedge Fund Industry.

Hoping to redeem himself, Ming has gallantly offered to underwrite this year's gala getaway to the Pribiloff Islands in time for the annual baby seal clubbing so dear to the hearts of Mafia hit-men and hedge fund managers everywhere.

In the meantime, Ming hopes to toughen himself up by stealing wheelchairs and crutches, emulating the career path that has created so many successful hedge fund managers.