Don't Put It In A Mattress, Give It To Ming

First Investors National Depository Mercantile Exchange(FINDME), Chairman Emeritus, Ming T. Merciless is now soliciting time deposits for a short time only. Don't miss out. Your funds will serve to underwrite the sale of Credit Default Swaps(CDS) by our nephew, Murray, who will soon boast a General Equivalency Diploma amongst his many attainments. Proceeds from these endeavors will enable us to pay premium rates on your deposit. Moreover, every new customer receives a complementary kazoo suitable for vigorously blowing your horn to envious friends as they see your statements with the fabulous returns accruing to your account. Depositors may withdraw funds at any time by making a request to FINDME. This should be a great comfort. It's how banks are run.