Use Your Head

Once again, Ming takes precious time from his lucrative financial endeavors to solve your problems despite missing out to others on all those stray deposit cans and bottles.

Illegal immigration. Tax evasion. National security. Ming solves them all in one simple solution. A bar code tattooed on your forehead. No tattoo or an unauthorized bar code and you're bounced out of the Country. All income is coded in on receipt and all payments get coded out on payment. Just extend your forehead to be scanned. Likewise, access to any venue will require scanning thus ensuring that no terrorist can assume your identity.

As to any thoughts on abridgment of your freedoms, you've lost that fight long ago.

Ming had originally postulated that the most appropriate location for these bar codes would be your posterior if only because there's so much more room to store information but his survey shows that cellulite tends to make the bars wavy thus foiling proper scanning by all such devices developed to date.

Get Screwed By Ming

This is the chance of a lifetime to get Screwed. Send now for Ming's new board(bored?) game, Screwed.

Just as in real life you roll the dice to see if you're screwed. Land on the solid citizen square and buy into the system. Spend money getting a higher education. Get a position in corporate America. Pay unconscionable rates of taxation. See your 401(k) get ravished in a crooked stock market. Get laid off in your prime as corporations downsize and die in penury.

Conversely, land on illegal immigrant and wash ashore. Being devoid of credentials you are reduced to doing something useful. Mow lawns, drive cabs. Once you receive enough cash income on which you neglect to pay taxes, open a barber shop or bodega. Collect more cash and instead of paying taxes, buy rental property collecting still more lovely untraceable cash. After ten years retire in your suburban mansion and be revered as a success.

Ming's game is educational and can be played by anyone. Play by the rules and lose. Flout the rules and win. As the T.V. commercial says,"What's in your wallet?".

Michael Milken Milked Manuscript

The cranky Ming is tired of hearing how the great Michael Milken created the idea that a portfolio of high yield junk bonds can be a superior investment what with the excess yield more than covering defaults.

Let it be written into the record that as a student at Berkeley, he came across a study by W. Braddock Hickman evaluating companies with poor credit ratings. It was Hickman who concluded that a diversified portfolio of these instruments was relatively safe and threw off a high yield.

A.T. Atkinson extended that study to 1944-1965 with the same results. Milken was just a salesman hawking the ideas of someone else.

As with most things in life, the creator, discoverer or pioneer gets an arrow in his back and the guy that comes along after the heavy lifting has been done garners the rewards. Pioneers such as Daniel Boone, George Rogers Clark and Simon Kenton died broke just as many will do who originally saw merit and invested in future successful biotechs which initially stumbled(or were pushed) to their financial detriment while later investors reap the easy profits once their innovations bear fruit.

105 Free Meals

That caught Ming's attention. Apparently, some dieting company advertises on television that they'll send you frozen meals. You eat them and lose weight. To suck you in they also promise to send 105 extra meals.

Ming admits to having the stray extra pound or fifteen and figures this is a winner. Assuming he can scarf down ten or twenty of these suckers a day over a five day period, he should lose all that extra weight quickly. After all,without a freezer, those meals would only have melted anyway.

Even if it doesn't work out, with all those overweight people signing on, investing in shares of whatever company makes stomach pumps is a sure winner. You really don't think all those tubbies, once given access to 105 free meals are going to pace themselves do you?

Topical Stamp Collectors Rejoice

No longer need your collecting efforts be confined to mundane topics such as birds, flowers, trains, planes etc. on stamps. With the soon to be approved Michael Jackson stamp you can be the first collector in your stamp club to collect pedophiles on stamps.

It's been said that one can learn much about a society by it's art. It's also been said that a society chooses stamps as one vehicle to highlight to the world all it holds dear.

No longer need we be confined to pictures of dead presidents or champions of liberty on our stamps. No longer must we pay tribute to such jaded shibboleths as Arbor Day or military victories such as Iwo Jima.

The greatest selling adhesive was the Elvis stamp. Let's honor what sells. Proudly use the Michael Jackson stamp on all your correspondence and let the world see what you stand for. Can a stamp honoring bestiality be far behind?