An Open Letter To Iran's President

Dear Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Ming has your number. You guys have been making trouble since Xerxes started to throw his weight around. At least he was considerate enough to have a name that could be pronounced without expectorating. Ming now understands your plot to insidiously save a fortune by not wearing neckties and eschewing shaving to avoid the scandalous cost of razor blades. Then you callously use those savings to build nuclear reactors. Ming also personally denounces you for running the meter on that cab ride last night when you were moonlighting during your U.N. visit. Once the cab stopped you were supposed to flip the flag but, oh no, not you, Moe. Once again, swell upstanding Americans like Ming are being taken for a ride and overcharged, be it for oil or for cabfare from Madame Fatima's House of the 78 Virgins. A vengeful Ming's plan is to now break your economy by smuggling into Tehran overpriced designer neckties, setting off a fashion binge of conspicuous consumption that, just like us, will bring you to your knees. Besides, they weren't virgins.