Ming's Guide For Illegal Aliens Whose Status Is In Doubt

What with the new law in Arizona, it's only a matter of time before other states also initiate legislation allowing authorities to question immigration status. Therefore it is incumbent on all illegal aliens of whatever nationality to be able to effectively impersonate native born Americans when subject to questioning.

Become conversant with the latest idiomatic expressions in use. When stopped immediately say, "twenty-three skidoo, small change".

Engage your interlocutor in small talk to gain his confidence. Allude to the national pastime by asking if he thinks Babe Ruth will win today's featured race at Aqueduct by hitting one out of the park.

Show him you belong to the in crowd by speculating whether Francis X. Bushman is likely or not to make a movie with Theda Bara anytime soon.

Allow him to understand you are really an American by making inquiries based upon personal care products Americans are likely to share knowledge of. Ask when was the last time he used a deodorant. Tell him he looks like he needs Viagra.

Lastly, always be sure to wear a baseball cap as does any red blooded American, preferably one that says Los Yankees.

Ming's Guide To The Perplexed

It's finally come to this. You've run out of graduate degrees to pursue to stave off that hateful day that you have to actually begin earning a living. Some of you actually hope to succeed in a world that you'll be surprised to find doesn't care if you do or not. Worse yet, there are uncounted other wannabes out there willing to cheerfully, if not metaphorically, slit your dainty throat as you all scramble to knock each other off the corporate ladder.

Fear not. The one good thing you've managed to achieve in life is that you read Ming's blog. Ming will take you under his unwashed wing and cut through all the dross about ability, knowledge, hard work and all the other twaddle that counts for naught in order for you to succeed.

All you need do is inform all your actions with this one insight. Everyone, no matter how crusty their exterior, wants to be loved. Show your superordinates that you virtually worship them. That you think them wise, insightful and worthy of emulation.

Alright, that does usually take some acting given the run of the mill nincompoop that you'll be dealing with, but remember, we all act every day in every way anyway.

The saving grace, even should you not have mastered the Stanislavsky method is that people love it despite knowing it's blatant flattery. So take your cynical little sell out into that cold cruel world and spread the shmaltz with a heavy hand. Ming has spoken.

Ming Solves Oil Spill Fiasco

Once again, it seems that only Ming has the answer to yet another world problem. Plugging the gushing oil leak is child's play if you have the mind of Ming.

All one need do is find a few thousand Americans on a high fiber diet. Position their posteriors over the hole and arm them with two ply toilet tissue. The stray paper towel would also be in order. This always works at Ming's house and should thoroughly plug the well in a trice.

All solid citizen Ming asks in recognition is a statue of himself striking a heroic pose to be situated on the North Lawn of the White House. Perhaps in honor of his achievement, said statue could more appropriately depict a grinning Ming crouched over while artfully wiping his derriere with some recent piece of legislation. You can bet that's what the stalwarts at British Petroleum are doing right about now.

Ming Ejected From Nike Headquarters

Advertising mogul, Ming T. Merciless wanted to pitch Nike's business to help them leverage the latest fiasco with their star endorsement, Tiger Woods.

His "no can lose" advertising slogan, "People that can't make the cut, wear Nikes" featuring Tiger Woods grinning like a mongoloid(no audio since the poor slob can't enunciate too well which is why he never says much in any of his endorsements).

Surprisingly, the ingrates showed Ming the door as they carried him kicking and screaming off the premises. Lucky Ming's P.F. Keds still fit after all these years but they don't smell so good. Maybe Ming should just fish some sneakers off those telephone cables that teenagers throw each others sneakers over. He certainly won't be buying any Nikes anytime soon.