The Truculent Zarkov Dares Quibble With Ming

Dear Ming,

I find this video being posted on THIS particular message board (a board that engenders and breeds threat-makers – at least according to some of my fellow doctors) to be both: outrageous; and egregious. I was horrified to see my own mug-shot splashed on THIS board, and indeed, my first inclination was to instruct my private counsel F. Lee East (affectionately, but also appropriately a.k.a. “Fleeced”) to immediately prepare the required legal documents to initiate a legal action - against you - stipulating MY anguish, grief, and obvious conclusion re invasion of my privacy.

However, upon further contemplation, I WOULD CONSIDER a non-litigious avenue to pursue IF:

- All royalties (based on hits, etc.) are split: 60%; 40% - in my favor.

- In future episodes my make-up man is more generous with the Grecian formula, and I be assigned a barber that can at least ADEQUATELY trim beards.

- They lose my bag-fitting jump-suit-overalls, and get me some form-fitting stuff - to better show off my (somewhat) dazzling physique.

Additionally, because the writers’ strike has now been ended, I might suggest that future episodes center on my sheer brilliance, hell, pure genius. And finally, I would appreciate it if in the final SPECIAL episode that Dale, of course, continues to be repulsed by you – as indeed we all are - but that it at least be considered that she throws Flash over for me – a more mature, responsible, and worldly individual.

Assuming that you can work with the above requests; nay: DEMANDS, and subsequent suggestions, I believe we can work something out. Work…work with me here!

First thing in the morning - have your people call my people!

D. Z.

P. S. – Don’t tell Flash, but I plan on taking my rocket back to earth, and intend to leave him behind. But I do plan on taking Dale with me. So…I INTEND that Dale will be boarding my rocket…so to speak - just before we encounter blastoff!!

The Noble Ming Replies: Ming has contacted his people as soon as they made bail. It is our considered opinion that the only split, as you so artfully put it, to which you are entitled revolves around your personality. As to hair pomades, our budget allows for an industrial sized drum of schmaltz to be at your disposal which we obtain directly from the FDA. Those worthies dispense this product freely but to little effect. As to your beard, we deem it prudent to protect our gentle readers from exposure to as much of your countenance as is possible. Thus you are to remain as hirsute as nature will allow. We also feel that the most flattering view of your physique and intellectual attainments can be had at a distance. Hence, a no close-up clause will be inserted into your contract. Lastly, we greatly doubt your rocket contains sufficient fuel to launch the delectable Dale but do encourage you to come again.