Barrister Ming Dons The Peruke

Laboring under the aegis of that old legal bromide that any dirty, filthy, vomiting miscreant is entitled to the best defense, barrister Ming turns his finally tuned legal mind to the task of defending little Howie. After combing the legal stacks with several much deserved breaks to examine centerfolds at his favorite newsstand, the only viable precedent he can recommend is the Topsy defense. As you may remember, when unjustly accused of theft, a desperate Topsy, as recorded in chapter twenty of Harriet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin, averred, "Cause I's wicked-I is. I's mighty wicked any how. I can't help it". This then, is the best one can hope to assert in defending someone who was already rich, respected, powerful and well connected, but still had to have more even at the cost of the dying. In sum, he should plead that "the devil made me do it" and I think we all know who that is. Thus, Barrister Ming will cleverly invoke the Twinkie defense for the Dickster when he appears in the docket.