Strange Pleasures

Notorious nickel nurser Ming T. Merciless has the habit of auditing his customer receipt after having reluctantly purchased unnecessary luxury goods such as food. Invariably, at the bottom of the receipt the checkout cashier's first name is given with the assertion that, and Ming quotes, "It's been my pleasure to serve you".

Now either this person has a very limited social life outside the confines of their checkout counter or this is pure balderdash. As much as Ming wants to believe that anyone coming in contact with his person in whatever capacity will take great pleasure in that event, he reluctantly has to conclude that it's the latter possibility that obtains.

Additionally, based on the human interactions afforded Ming here in his beloved New York throughout his life to date, and in the interests of accuracy, that receipt would more appropriately provide the cashier's first name and their sincere hope that customer Ming would heed the injunction to "stick it in your ear". At least then, at least, truth would be well served.

Civil War Soldier Found In Maryland To Be Honored

That's the headline Ming saw and his first reaction was, at least they should buy the poor slob a good steak dinner to make up for the political blowhards honoring him with boring speeches. Then Ming speculated that since the guy must be at least 165, he probably couldn't even gum the steak.

High school dropout Ming is beginning to become suspicious that journalism school is beginning to turn out illiterate dummies based not only on all the misspelling one sees on the crawls beneath T.V. newscasts but on headlines like the one above. Had the headline began with "Remains of.." then the befuddled Ming would not only have not been confused but would not be writing this screed and you, gentle reader, would not be as bored as you now are after having read poor Mings eructations.

China Retaliates

The excise tax that the U.S. has imposed on tire imports from The Peoples Republic has infuriated the Chinese Politburo. Head of Politburo, Wei Fuk Yu, vows to bring America to it's knees, swearing to cut off all exports to the U.S. of chinese finger puzzles.

Fuk yu, as he'd be known to his friends, if he had any, is apoplectic and also threatens to curtail export to America of all golf ball washers. "Let them play with their dirty balls" cackles Wei as he personally demonstrates the new top-of-the-line ball washer on his own balls to the admiration of all reporters in attendance who curry favor by complimenting him on the size of his own set. Wei is widely acknowledged to have more golf balls than anyone in Government service.

Wei bemoans the effect the drop in tire sales will have on the domestic paper mache industry, saying "If they don't want our crappy tires then we don't want their crappy chickens who crap all over everything. We institute new law with catchy name like Smoot-Hawley Act that solve everything". This is the sort of crappy response that brought on the great depression.

Only If They Appear In Their Underwear

Ever notice that CNBC's guests all look like they were sent over from central casting? Why should the suspicious Ming take stock advice from some clod forced to get up early, put on a suit and tie and then schlep over to CNBC to be insulted by Joe Kernan? If he was any good he'd have made enough money not to have to do all that.

Yet when one of these "experts" such as Byran Wien, David Rosenberg etc. lose their sinecure, they land somewhere else toot de suite rather than staying home and trading for their own account while sitting there comfortably in their underwear.

Ming will only take seriously a guest who refuses to be interviewed anyplace but at home while sitting in their underwear preferably with some curvaceous cutie half their age ensconced on their lap running her fingers across his bald pate. Now that's someone whose advice can be relied on because it has paid off.