Screw Nietzsche

This is what Ming gets for reading Friedrich Nietzsche's Die Frohliche Wissenschaft. His doctrine of eternal recurrence whereby we are all reborn over and over, doomed to relive our lives exactly as before is depressing.

After all, just think that each time you turn on the T.V. it's just like seeing a summer rerun every time.

Not to mention having to kill time standing on the same line in the supermarket while the cretin in front of you pays by laboriously writing a check time after time throughout eternity.

Ming refuses to even consider going to the Motor Vehicle Bureau more than once, let alone in every lifetime. Maybe Ming should just confine himself to reading comic books and watching porno. Although one always has to be sure and see porno from the start, otherwise it's nearly impossible to follow the plot.

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Stretching Ming's Credulity Until It Snaps

Science must really think that Ming is a real sucker and will swallow anything just because it's scientific. Now they try to convince him that DNA evidence shows that George Stephanopoulos and Hillary Clinton are cousins.

They might as well say that Pu Yi, last emperor of the Qing Dynasty was related to Marilyn Monroe. Although now that Ming thinks about it, both did get screwed royally so they did have that in common.

Science is always toying with Ming's mind to the degree that he can't eat anything without feeling guilty about it. They feed some mouse the human equivalent of a 55 gallon drum of butter. The mouse barfs it up and they tell you that clearly, butter's not good for you.

Next, as improbable as it may now seem, they'll tell Ming that eating a few pounds of chocolate covered herring for breakfast is somehow deleterious to his weight and well being. Balderdash!!! It even tastes better with Boscoe.

No Good Deed Remains Unpunished

You can bet your bottom zlotnick that this is the last time Ming tries to help out. In an attempt to get in out of the rain, Ming attended a book signing at one of those chains of bookstores that unlike real bookstores, all have the same books no matter which one you go to.

Still, Ming saw there was a lot of work to do, so he graciously pitched in. Then pandemonium broke out. Even though he was signing the right names to the proper books, Ernest Hemingway in Of Time And The River, William Faulkner in Absalom, Absalom and Joseph Conrad in Victory, they somehow took umbrage and bounced poor Ming out on his keister.

Ming has learned his lesson. From now on, when in a bookstore, he'll sign the books using his real name just like the person at the table with the long line does.

Who Knew It Was This Simple?

Here in NYC they are closing several public schools because results are not up to par. What an epiphany for Ming. It's the building's fault. Maybe the water fountains don't work. If we put the same students and the same teachers in another building, clearly, the results must improve.

To close a building because of what goes on there and to expect a different result because of it could only work if you are referring to the United Nations building, and then only if you seal it up with all the "diplomats" inside. Admittedly the escort industry(a polite euphemism) would also suffer a huge setback but Ming is sure their customer base would come again.

Increase In Terrorist Threat Level

They tell everyone to be vigilant. Ming is still laughing at the local authorities in NYC from back when they admonished the populace when riding the subways to report anyone that looked suspicious.

Have any of these "authorities" ever ridden the subway? Everyone looks suspicious. If they don't look suspicious, that's suspicious.

Not too long ago, Ming was riding in the first car, up front. Some guy was standing there looking out at the tracks comming up, talking to himself. Note. That is not suspicious. That is normal in the subway. What was suspicious was that he was interrogating himself all they way from lower Manhattan to the North Bronx.

What did she say to you? What did you say back? Then what happened? Did you tell her what she could do? etc. etc. ad infinitum, ad nauseum. It was so distracting, Ming could hardly hear himself talk to himself.

The Mafia Needs A Few Good Men

Given the current economic climate, why waste time and money getting an education only to find jobs don't exist or that they will be outsourced overseas? Join an organization that has proven it's staying power in every economic environment. It's easy. No education required. In fact educated applicants are looked upon with suspicion. Pick up an application in almost any candy store in the Bronx and Brooklyn today.

For those too cheap to buy the cram course, Ming graciously provides several of the most asked questions you are likely to see on your application.

Wazza you name?

Wazza you cousins names?

You can showa da respect?

Uzza likka da money?

Howza you bocce ball game?

Multiple choice; You getta caught. Do you
a)Ratta out uzza paisanos
b)Takka da beating and keepa you mouth shut
c)Writta da book after conviction

Note that the successful applicant will be required to hang around candy stores all day randomly grabbing their crotch and shouting "hey chickee, chickee" to all passing females under the age of 70. Murdering your best friend when told to will also be requisite. Willingness to hold car doors for the Don is a plus. Small matters when considering the Mafia has an excellent dental plan, three weeks vacation and is off most holidays. Good luck to all applicants.

The Decline Of American Manhood

Ming is chagrined when seeing couples being interviewed on T.V. on vitually any subject. The wife is official spokesperson bellowing all manner of drivel in stentorian tones that brooks no challenge. The schlemiel on her left just stands there like the dummy he clearly is. If he has the temerity to even squeek, the haridan immediately overtalks him and with trembling chin he subsides into meek silence.

Ming bets that after a hard day on the couch watching his ill-fated stock picks on CNBC get crushed, he doesn't even have the courage to demand a hot meal be brought him after his wife comes home from work.

All this is now at an end. As a public service Ming is offering his King of the Castle audio tapes on the internet. Memorize the entire peroration. You are the King. She is but a vassal whose only function is to cater to your every whim etc. etc. Learn to say no when she wants her odious mother over for the Holidays. Learn to cut her household allowance when you need emergency beer money when you and your bar buddies want to go hunting.

Order now and we'll include a first aide kit with butterfly bandages for use when those flying ashtrays and dishes hit their mark. But that's not all. Mention Ming and our operators, who are now on standby, will give the first 100 callers all the necessary forms for that do-it-yourself divorce she keeps shouting about.

Remember, order now and you really got it coming.

Alas, Poor Eldrick

Kiss those royalties goodbye. That Annie Leibovitz photo adorning the cover of this month's Vanity Fair will put paid to any future Tiger Woods endorsements. One doubts if that is the sort of image the great man was flogging to all his worshipful fans. Perhaps his marketability to the sneaker crowd or afficionados of Ring Magazine remains undiminished but other than that, only condom manufacturers can get a rise out of his new image.

Ming Demands Job As Head Of Homeland Security

Why is it that only Ming is capable of solving all the World's problems? Even the layabouts down at the barbershop says that's so. In fact, in a spare moment and without much thought, Ming has arrived at a foolproof solution to the airline security problem.

Allow anyone at all on planes. However, everyone boarding a plane must be both bald and naked. Naturally a fluffer must be in attendance before every flight to ensure the hirsute are not beating around the bush, so to speak, by secreting an H bomb or, heaven forfend, even a nasty nail clipper in all that foliage.

This would also have the ancillary benefit of encouraging would-be air travelers to attempt to become more buff if only to avoid the sneers of their fellow passengers. That in turn could reduce the Nation's medical expenses as the morbidly obese begin to lose weight that leads to all those nasty degenerative medical conditions.

It's axiomatic that President Obama is an avid reader of Ming's blog as are you. As such, it's merely a matter of time before he bounces Napolitano out on her well endowed keister and Ming is appointed head of Homeland Security.

Ming Is Relegated To The Crawl

No, not the pub crawling that you so unfairly insinuate Ming is prone to. Ming is alluding to the pap that passes for news on network television. While the well coiffed talking heads are engaging in feeble ad-libs to garner more camera time, Ming is left to squint at the crawl beneath, fraught with misspelling, to ferret out any real news.

They regale viewers with twaddle on the latest contratemps of Hollwood has-beens and wannabes while "WWIII breeks(sic) out" is crawling across the bottom of the screen. Ming supposes he'll just have to learn arabic in hopes that al jazeera still hasn't gone the way of the major news networks.