"A Rose Is A Rose Is A Rose"

With apologies to Gertrude Stein's Sacred Emily, but anointing new pharmaceuticals with unpronounceable, impossible to remember names with little, if any nexus to the product bearing that name is counterproductive.

In this, the enterprising Ming sees opportunity. Understanding that names must be unique to be copyrighted, there remains no reason that names cannot still be evocative.

Ming's new service, "What's In A Name?" is now available to any Pharma about to flog an as yet, unnamed product. Ming will provide a unique name, one that is memorable and most importantly, one easily associated with the malady at hand.

Have a new palliation for diarrhea? "Canit" is the name to use.

Creating a nostrum for weak bladders? Label your product "Nowee".

Developing a product to fight flatulence? "Notme" is the answer.

Ming hopes his "no money back" policy will do much to thwart unnecessary lawsuits from disgruntled Pharmas with lousy products and no sense of humor.

No One Listens To Ming

Ming said, "Abe, why not stay home and work on the stamp collection tonight. Our American Cousin got lousy reviews anyway". Lincoln didn't listen.

Ming said, "Georgie, better you should take the Civil Service Exam and get a nice, safe Post Office sinecure". Custer didn't listen.

More recently, Ming was quaffing a brewsky in the Burger Brau Keller when he told some loudmouth he could do better by going to America and opening a nice kosher deli in the Bronx. Adolf paid him no mind.

Now Ming advises all reading this screed to prepare for the next down leg in the economy, the stock market and the general standard of living .

As soon as the next leg down in the market ensues, you'd be well served going long the FAZ which is a triple short of all NASDAQ stocks. Naturally, no one will listen to Ming.

Put A Smile On Your Face

Ever wonder what makes other people smile? After much due diligence Ming has found the answer. Criminal indictment.

Sir Allen Stanford in shackles giving a cheery thumbs up for the camera. Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco $10,000 shower curtain and $6000 umbrella stand fame grinning like a mongoloid as he enters the Courthouse.

It's patently obvious that if you ever hope to achieve happiness in this veil of tears, you must first aspire to criminal indictment.

Thus Ming enjoins you to go out there and rob, steal, defalcate, abscond with regimental funds and yes, even spit on the sidewalk if you ever hope to reach nirvana.

Of course be sure and send Ming his cut before you're found out since the ever dour Ming can best be cheered up by folding green.

Ming Cashes In On Health Care

Connoisseur of the fast buck, Ming T. Merciless has been pouring over the new health care legislation looking for opportunity.

That's why Ming is now investing in ice houses. Someone has to make all those ice floes that senior citizens are going to be on when they're floated out to sea.

Ming also plans to franchise across the country his new Plug Pulling Service for those medical personnel too squeemish to pull the cord.

Likewise, since trained doctors will be superfluous in making end of life decisions which will soon be based on government guidelines, his trained end of life counselors will stand at the ready offering low cost alternatives ranging from the garrote to the ever popular gas pipe.

Fortunately for the enfeebled geriatrics in Congress, they have their own health plan which is much more understanding of the vicissitudinous vagaries of old age.

Merely Mail Ming Money

Make mucho money mastering market moves mimicking Ming's mulcting machinations. Why wade through interminable commercials on Tout T.V. just to glean the stray stock recommendation? Ming does all the work for you. All you need do is send Ming money and receive Ming's Magic Market Money Maker", a copyright distillation of all bullish prognostications from major media mavens.

Now you can blithely disregard the observation that the current 50% rally replicates the 1930 48% rally preceding the next plunge in the market. You can cavalierly forget about the dismal unemployment situation(artfully massaged by the Government to show a positive skew). Laughingly overlook corporate profits which are just a function of cost cutting(already artfully pictured as positive by serendipitous reduction in analyst expectations). Cheerfully overlook dismal real estate values, defaults and dormant construction. Happily ignore ballooning federal deficits and the collapsing dollar.

Rely instead on the recommendations of sell side analysts on T.V. whose firm's front run those recommendations for a quick trade. Most of all, rely on honest newsletter purveyors such as Ming, to guide your faltering footsteps.

When sending in your payment(cash always given priority), be sure to label your payment clearly as being for "Ming's Market Money Maker" so Ming doesn't inadvertently send you "Ming's Lucky Lotto Dream Decoder" or his equally popular Ming's Guide To Manipulating Slot Machines".

Our operators are now on standby to take your order. Mention Ming and receive your free guide to "Surviving On Social Security". But that's not all. The first 500 callers will receive a complementary tin cup and one dozen pencils to foil panhandling accusations by the authorities for those implementing the bullish recommendations distilled from Tout T.V. Call now. What do you have to lose except more money?

Ming Cures Economic Malaise

Intrigued by the putatively successful "cash for clunkers" program, Ming has an epiphany. Arm every disgruntled kiddie and other such chronic malcontent with a bag of rocks sending them out to break every window in the country. This not increases employment but the massive outlay to replace all those windows should stimulate the economy to the degree that prosperity cannot then be avoided.

Ming's only question is where does he have to go to pick up his Nobel Prize in Economics?.

Everything Was Going So Well

Then Ming's parents said tomorrow he's to start kindergarten. It's been all downhill from there.

It's tough finding out you're no longer the center of the universe. That's why everyone scrambles to get rich, become famous, excel at something or anything and do everything else that we all do.

No matter how old and jaded we become, it's still all about, "Hey mommy, look at me".

The basis of all action is the seeking of love, no matter how we pervert that desire into the actions we take or the self-destructive devices we find to seek solace.

After much introspection, Ming has finally found the answer. Reject all worldly goods and conceits. Retire to a mountaintop with several cases of Reddi-Wip, Little Debbie Cream Cakes and find Nirvana or a case of diabetes, whichever comes first.