Ming Exercises His Right To Free Speech

Seeing all these advertisements for health clubs showing luscious cheerleader types flexing and flaunting their pulchritudinous persons led the impressionable Ming to sign up for a trial membership hoping to get lucky. Ming even took the Dominoes sign off the roof of the Mingmobile just in case he got a date.

He was looking askew at the various torture devices when some 350 pound woman asked him if he could spot her. Ming innocently replied that if necessary, he could spot her in the parking lot from six blocks away. Once the swelling went down from his concussion, the hospital finally discharged him which is why he hasn't posted for several days. And they say fat people are jolly.

Man The Barricades

Ming is revolting, but you already knew that. Yet there is only so much abuse the long suffering Ming can take before he calls for revolution.

This has nothing to do with petty concerns such as the abridgment of one's freedoms such as the right to bear arms or the abuses of the eminent domain laws allowing government to seize private property only because it can be put to a higher use, meaning greater tax revenue.

This strikes at the very heart of all that which Ming holds dear. Namely the right to receive fair value as he clogs his arteries with ice cream. Remember those halcyon days when one could waltz into any supermarket and buy a half gallon of ice cream secure in the knowledge that you'll get full measure i.e. 64 ounces of delectable dairy? Then they insidiously began packaging ice cream in 56 ounce containers. When no one rioted in the streets they became yet further emboldened. Now they have the temerity to fob off 48 ounce containers on bovine buyers. Where will it all end? Extrapolating the diminution it won't be long until a 17 ounce container will be flogged as being the large size since it's more than a pint.

Ice cream delivery trucks must be overturned and set ablaze. Supermarket dairy managers must be flogged to within an inch of their lives. Yes, even cows must be knocked over to vent our displeasure. Be sure and tell Ming how it all turns out as he's now switched to popsicles in protest.

Order Your Ming-Away Today

The only thing not in short supply on this Earth is people. Note how they're always getting in your way. Ming can't always be there personally for you to encourage their egress by his obnoxious manner, loutish loquaciousness nor odoriferous emanations.

That's why you need Ming-Away. One spray from your Ming-Away Canister clears a seat for you on that crowded subway car. One sniff will dissolve that pesky line at the supermarket checkout. One spritz rids you of those party guests too stupid to know when to go home. And one dab behind your ear will encourage that blind date that's not turning out so well to flee even before you have to pony up for dinner.

Naturally, Ming-Away tends to cling to all surfaces. This means you. So also send for Ming-Begone, guaranteed to mask the effects of Ming-Away within as little as three months.

You just can't lose.Our operators are standing by right now. Call 1-800-SCHMUCK right now. Please have a second mortgage application handy so our operators can help you fill it out. After all, shipping and handling is extra.

Pfizer Says Screw You To The Unemployed

You just can't make this stuff up. In an attempt to retain customer loyalty while earning itself some positive publicity, Pfizer will give away it's drugs to whomsoever was unemployed for three months as of the beginning of the year.

Included in this bonanza is Viagra. Ming anticipates network television, cable and Direct TV will rise in protest as Pfizer gets a rise out of their formerly paying customers. Who will be left to watch their putrid programming if the idle masses turn away from spectator sports? Ming suspects that Pfizer is really trying to stick it to them.

Dr. Merciless's Guide To Foiling The Flu

1) Avoid humanity at all costs. This is always good advice, but especially so during flu season.

2) If forced to interact with others, immediately insult them egregiously, thus cleverly avoiding the need to shake hands, always a purveyor of germs.

3) Wear a mask when away from home, especially when entering 7-Elevens. You may even be surprised to be offered money from the cash register.

4) When encountering anyone who is sneezing or coughing, immediately douse them with clorox. It's either you or them. Better them.

5) Even after taking these prophylactic measures, should you feel the onset of flu, repair to the nearest hedge fund manager and expectorate on him. Why shouldn't the deserving also suffer?

6) Once you are sure you have contracted the flu, stay home and curse uncontrollably for no less than 24 hours. This enables the blood to flow freely, cleansing your system of germs.

7) Should you intimate that the flu will cause your demise, call legal counsel immediately to have a codicil inserted in your will leaving all your worldly goods to Ming. It's the least you can do in payment for the above sterling advice.