Ming Is Excited

He just received the list from E Harmony.com based on filling out a questionnaire of those potential mates he might be compatible with.

Ma Barker
Marjorie Main
The Fabulous Moolah

Ming hopes they like romantic things like long walks in the country picking up deposit bottles and antique hunting on weekends to collect scrap metal at five cents a pound.

Ming always was an incurable romantic.

Hairhut For Men

Tired of being called skinhead, cue ball and chrome dome? Then Ming's Hairhut For Men is the answer.

Our trained technicians take the hair from your butt and with our magic formula, transfer it to your head painlessly, giving new meaning to the phrase,"get your head out of your butt".

This offer is only available to baldies residing in temperate climates as our laboratory tests on human epidermis show that when subjected to tropical temperatures, Elmer's Glue All tends not to always hold.

Minh Achieves Personal Best

New record for Ming. First time he was bounced from two jobs in one morning. Flunkies R Us sent him to airport to temporarily fill security job. Ming was diligently frisking all stewardesses when boss tries to can him for gross incompetence, indecency and chewing gum while on duty. Ming is too clever for him, pointing out you can't fire someone who strictly adhered to Federal anti-profiling guidelines since he even expedited boarding for two guys in robes screaming death to the infidel.

So they put Ming in dead end job in unclaimed luggage. First customer is little old lady that claims she lost her Amelia Earhart. Ming tells her to get over it. Amelia's been lost since 1937 and it's time to move on. Things go downhill from there and before you can file for unemployment, poor Ming is escorted onto the street.

Maybe Ming should try to get into public relations, especially with stewardesses.

Where's Ming's Stimulus Package?

Ming can only hope the Government gets it to him soon and they at least include several copies of the recently released Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Until then, Ming's mind is totally unfocused on what's really important.

He keeps getting the most random associations as he rummages in the crowded attic of his mind. Did you ever notice that Ringo Starr bears an uncanny resemblance to the presumably late Yasser Arafat? Note that there are no photos of them together. Could it be that good old Yasser is now enjoying his millions under the sobriquet of a rock star?

Then again Ming suspects that fitness guru Jillian Michaels looks suspiciously like a slimmed down version of Lou Ferrigamo of Hulk fame. And when will Andy Kaufman resurface to give the finger to everyone he duped that he was dead? These are reasons why poor Ming needs that stimulus package post haste.

Where Have Standards Gone?

Ming was watching CNBC early this morning and it would appear that Becky Quick was sporting a very distinct 5 o'clock shadow.

The very least these talking heads could do is shave before inflicting themselves on poor Ming who's laboring without the benefit of his full quotient of coffee at that hour.

It also wouldn't hurt for Joe Kernan to invest in some prunes so that every time he attempts to form a thought he needn't display that constipated look of his.

Then again, perhaps Ming's standards are too high.

A Truss You Can Trust

That's the motto for Ming's new , no can lose, business venture. Ming, whose hand is on the pulse of the economy and several other places where it shouldn't be, notes that gold ownership is now in vogue. Various pundits advocate physical ownership rather than owning gold through some intangible certificate that may not be honored when gold is most needed in a financial emergency.

That being so, once you take possession, you can't just leave it lying around. It should be kept on or about your person at all "times. But gold is very heavy in relation to size. That's where Ming comes in. Why wind up in the hernia ward from lugging around your fortune?" Ming's infomercial will query, "Why not buy a one-size-fits-all truss you can trust?" as the camera zooms in on the nether region's of the hapless Won Hung Lo who neglected to procure a genuine Ming truss before trying to move his hoard. After viewing that disaster, Ming's cup will runeth over as orders pour in.

Poor Uncle Zhiping Nailed For Skipping With Cash

Ming's uncle Zhou Zhiping was born in 1910, when the Chinese emperor still sat on his throne. Now, the 98-year-old has become the oldest person to go on trial in China and, arguably, the world.

He is facing charges over an alleged money scam, which cheated an American academic out of over $100 000. The success of the supposed intricate plot depended on Zhou Zhiping’s age. Two of his younger accomplices told a 74-year-old Chinese-American academic with two doctorates in physics and chemistry, surnamed Chen, that the elderly man was, in fact, a politician called Li Liejun.

The real Li Liejun, who was a general in the Chinese Nationalist army, died in 1946. The plotters, however, convinced the academic that the ersatz Li Liejun was still alive, had preserved his elaborate political connections and was looking to access substantial assets which were frozen during the communists’ war with China’s nationalist forces.

The assets, according to the scheme, added up to at least $1.3 trillion. The accomplices demanded a $100 000 fee from Chen with a promise to give him three million dollars in return for his efforts after the assets were unfrozen. The victim was happy to oblige and transferred the requested sum to Zhou Zhiping and his two young accomplices before realizing he had been conned.

Now that Zhou Zhiping is facing charges, government officials claim that no lenient treatment will be given to him. A fraud involving such a sum would normally face the penalty of ten years of imprisonment. Some concessions were given to the alleged elderly con-man based on his age: he is awaiting his sentence at home, and was interrogated by prosecutors in the presence of a doctor.

Zhou Zhiping is reportedly insisting that he is innocent. According to the Xinhua news agency, he said in court: “That’s nonsense! I’m not guilty. I won’t be jailed”.

It remains unclear when the trial will end or a verdict delivered.

This scam scenario is not unusual in China. Many attempts to use the country’s historic context to swindle money have been made. The People’s Republic of China and the U.S. resumed diplomatic relations in the late 1970s. It was then that America agreed to lift a freeze on Chinese assets held in the U.S., put in place at the time of the Communist takeover.

Entire family very upset with Zhou. Getting caught is very bad form.

Ming On Short List For Commerce Secretary

Ming is a shoe-in. He has it all. A willingness to toady. No scruples. No income, so no possibility of being tainted by tax issues. Best of all, Ming knows nothing about what a Commerce Secretary is supposed to do so he's perfectly malleable. If the job comes with a car, Ming could even use it to moonlight as a livery cab driver and if there's an expense account, that solves the stimulus issue for the economy.

Yogi Berra Was Right

The hard hitting SEC has now covered itself in yet more glory by entering into a settlement with Bernie Madoff whereby the great man will eventually pay a fine and agree to reimburse his dupes sometime in the future.

Naturally, according to Bernie nothing is now left. Yet, Ming remains convinced the smiling Bernie's next move is to raise money which he promises to invest and then donate his management fees on the profits and his commissions as the basis for repayment. Surely the astute Bernie will promise a generous guaranteed return of no less than 12%.

Eager investors are doubtlessly lining up outside his penthouse even as this is being written. It's deja vu all over again.

Now Ming Gets To Live Forever

For the last several days, Ming has been exercising 24 hours a day. That's why he hasn't had time to post. Lucky for Ming he saw that T.V. commercial on Channel 2 that said for every hour one exercises they gain two hours of life. Ming figures that at this rate, exercising 24/7, he gets to live forever.

Ming can enjoy the power of compound interest and eventually live long enough to own the world. Better yet, Ming can watch all his enemies croak(technical medical term), while the ever youthful Ming just keeps going and going just like the Energizer Bun...zzzzzzzzzzz.

Ming Investigates The CIA

Thumb twiddling while waiting for his ship to come in leaves Ming plenty of time to engage in self-destructive behavior. High on the list is watching television if only for the entertainment value of the commercials.

Ming's current favorite is the CIA recruitment ad showing the type of fresh-faced young idealists they want to hire as a voice-over intones the requirements for hire whose possessors can only be found at Boy Scout Jamborees.

What the clods at the CIA really need are slimy, scheming, devious dastards like the lovable Ming. Just give Ming Carte Blanche(or even Master Card) and he'll quickly go out and buy a dagger(he already has a cloak). Within a trice he'll have all our enemies singing Yankee Doodle Dandy in Urdu, Farsi and Pathan. Admittedly, not a pretty sight but they'd be eating cous-cous out of the palm of Ming's unwashed hand.

Unfortunately, Ming's somewhat checkered past does not lend itself to too close scrutiny and certainly would not stand up to the Boy Scout's Oath as espoused at the CIA so they'll just have to make do with the Duddly Doorights that are sure to apply.
They'll probably promulgate checkoff forms to be sent to all addresses asking you to put a check in box a if a patriot, box b if a terrorist and box c if undecided and consider that a job well done.

Ming Watches Super Bowl

Entire problem revolves around there only being one football. Opposing team becomes enraged that they can't fondle football and biggest members assault opposing team. Seeing what's in store for him, football fondler cleverly throws ball to team member furthest behind. That worthy, fearing for his life, prudently throws ball to team member already so frightened that he's running toward locker room. Idea is to catch ball and keep running away. This seldom works as planned.

Whole point of game is to create excuse for doing grievous bodily harm to other team members without getting caught by guys dressed in underwear. Knocking them down and stepping on them seems acceptable but player only allowed rabbit punches and choke holds when guys in underwear not looking.

It seems to sports fan Ming that greater efficiency could be achieved by arming teams with brass knuckles and saps. But then again all the saps are already in the stands.