Beating Around The Bush

Where does it all end? First one feeble-minded clod tries to detonate some sort of firecracker in his shoe while on an airline flight. After which, everyone has to take their shoes off for inspection before boarding future flights.

Now some other misguided cretin secreting a detonatable powder in and around his groin area tries to ignite that on an airplane. Care to guess what Homeland Security is going to want to inspect next before each flight?

Let the patriotic Ming be the first to enlist for service in the new pubic police. Since it's an indisputable fact that women are more cunning than are men, then clearly women require the most intense scrutiny. Surely, Ming can do the most for his country by confining his insections to this area's area.

One can only hope the cadre of creeps that are hired for this err...new position will not suffer budgetary constraints. Only the best high powered magnifiers will do.

Dipping Into The Egg Nog

Ming reluctantly agrees that 23 egg nogs at the office Christmas party was perhaps one or two more than he should have quaffed. It was at that point that Ming started to wax philosophical. He was going on rhetorically asking what could possibly be bigger than this crazy world in which we find ourselves having to negotiate when someone said Uranus is 14 times bigger.

An offended Ming then said that his didn't look exactly tiny either. Things escalated from there and the last thing Ming remembers before passing out was being escorted out to the curb and deposited along with his Santa hat in a very unpleasant pile of New York City slush.

Next time Ming will confine himself to drinking Virgin Marys and hope that doesn't draw him into any discussions about religon.

It's Old But It Still Works

Want to sell bags of fingernail clippings? Tired of paying rent on that warehouse full of Nehru jackets? All that dreck and more can be easily sold with T.V. advertising.

The only stipulation is that your spokesperson have a British accent. We're not talking cockney or some other truncated versions of English speech. What is needed is the dulct tones of the upper class. It also doesn't hurt if your speaker looks the part. You're not going to get many orders for your matching set of crocheted tea cosies if Danny DeVito is flogging them on air even if he could affect an English accent.

To ensure solid sales, always advertise late at night. The lack of sleep makes insomniacs particularly vulnerable to soothing sales pitchs.

So old chap, who says reading Ming's eructations doesn't reap big dividends?

Global Warming Is Killing Poor Ming

After just having shoveled out from the latest nor'easter, an exhausted Ming wonders how much worse it might have been without the horrors of global warming. Thank goodness, the President's plane just got through the blizzard from his keynote speech at the Global Warming Conference.

Of course, there's no point in embarrassing anyone by reminding them that the Middle Ages was warmer all without the benefits of burning fossel fuel assuming you don't count cow paddies.

Ming cleverly plans to turn the proverbial lemons into lemonade by selling beachfront property in Arizona to Al Gore and all his worshipful cohorts. With every lot sold he'll even give them dibs on any penguins that might float ashore.

Billy Mays Here

Ming just saw a T.V. commercial for something called Jupiter Jack. It purports to be a speaker phone attached to the car radio making holding a cell phone while driving unnecessary.

It's spokesperson Billy Mays is shown driving a car and declaring he always uses the Jupiter Jack when on the road. Shouldn't a dead person's driver's license be revoked? Ming has nothing against Billy Mays earning a living. Some people even make more money dead than alive. Witness Elvis Presly and Michael Jackson. But it seems unsafe to let a dead person tool around in a car even if both hands are on the wheel thanks to Jupiter Jack.

Then there's the question as to if it's morally right to keep charging road tolls to the dead, even, for instance, if they still are allowed to vote should they hail from Chicago.

Redeeming Tiger's Image

Remember when in 1957 little Benny Hooper fell into that 21 foot deep irrigation well and the 24 hour long rescue by digging a second parallel hole became national news? This very same drama can now work to the noble Tiger's advantage.

With no one looking, he can dump one of his kiddies in a well and garner an outpouring of sympathy in his role as a concerned parent during the rescue attempt. Who could be so hard-hearted as to not empathize with our hero? All his peccadilloes will be forgiven and forgotten. His image will be redeemed and he'll be back on the links as soon as he signs a few autographs for the investigators from Child Protective Services.

Hitting a tiny ball with a variety of sticks for an adoring public,a little better than most other people, is what it's really all about, isn't it? Nothing should ever be considered more important than that.

Dolt!!!

How can you continue to sit there on your fat keister doing nothing when, day after day, your darling spouse goes on and on about how she should have married Stanley Dreckmeister, the Porta-Potty king of northern New Jersey or some such other winner.

Show her that you too can become a captain of industry. Get in on the ground floor of Ming's sure-fire new mail order sensation, dwarf fruit trees. Even as you read this, Ming is working on the prototype for this new blockbuster. Admittedly, he hasn't yet figured out how to get dwarfs to grow on trees nor can he guarantee that any of them will be fruits once they do, but with the proceeds of your investment , Ming will be able to procure enough additional trees to ensure that your investment will be a shady one.

Show your wife, once and for all, what kind of person she really married. Mortgage your home and send the proceeds to Ming at once. Tell her nothing until you hear from Ming that our efforts bore fruit. Until then, let this be our own delicious secret, safe in the knowledge that once she does find out she will laud you for your efforts the rest of your life.

Ingrates!!!

No, not you, gentle readers. It's Ming's neighbors who fail to appreciate all that he's done for them. Only yesterday his pet tapir escaped yet again and being hungry, quite naturally, managed to devour several local preschool moppets left unattended by their careless parents.

One would have thought those very same parents would be lining up to kiss Ming's hand and other portions of his anatomy for having saved them the proverbial bundle in future college costs. Only through the good offices of Ming going through the expense of having kept a pet tapir will they now be able to avoid the criminal financial exactions and burdens of what is a glorified high school's exercise in prolonged adolescence.

Yet, instead of approbation, Ming is now subject to opprobrium. You just can't fathom how some people think.

Ming Receives Myriad Requests to Continue Blogging

Yes, Sam Myriad keeps asking Ming to blog but the demands of his new book "Ming's Guide To The Perplexed" has crowded out all other endeavors to date. Now that the reviews have come pouring in he can return to generating more mind rotting blogs. Some of those kind reviews are shown below for your delectation.

I lacked tenacity until reading your book. Then a light bulb came on. Tommy Edison Menlo Park N.J.

No one thought I was smart enough to cross streets by myself, until your book gave me the courage to try. Al Einstein Princeton N.J.

I almost gave up before reading your fine book. G. Washington Valley Forge P.A.

My careet was in a shambles before I took your advice. Now I own a successful string of Kosher restaurants in South America. Marty Borman Asunsion Paraguay

I suffered horrible scarring from smallpox at the age of seven. When ten, an untreated arm injury left it three inches shorter than my other arm and I lost use of my hand. Only your guidance allowed me to ultimately reach my full potential despite my handicaps. Joseph Vissarionovich Djugashvili(but all my pals now just call me Stalin)

Yes dear reader, all you need do is send Ming your life savings and your own life will be changed forever. Remit funds to I've Got Mine Publishers, C/O General Post Office Eighth Avenue New York, N.Y. Ming will send your copy of "Ming's Guide To The Perplexed" in a plain brown envelope. This time, let's not make it easy for the Postal Inspectors.

Good News For Tiger

He's already landed several lush endorsement deals predicated on his latest efforts.

For the Notell Motel; "To everyone else, I'm Tiger Woods, but to the discrete Notell Motel, I'll always be John Smith. Try their "quickie" registration today and be sure to ask for those low, low hourly rates".

For the Lettuce Inn and Riding Academy; "If you have the lettuce that I do, you're always in at the lettuce in. Saddle up today. All special requests receive careful consideration from our staff of experienced equestrians."

Hence the old bromide, all publicity is good publicity.