Ming Causes Brouhaha At Book Signing

Ming was conducting a book signing at a local Barnes and Noble last night when some churl asked him to desist. Apparently, the Manager saw no merit in Ming signing books in the aisles at random. Although Ming gave a good account of himself, they got lucky with a well executed headlock and were able to escort Ming from the premises.
Note to readers: Disregard the Dorothy Parker dictum ; Men seldom make passes , At girls who wear glasses". Ming does and a great way to do it is to graciously offer to sign whatever tome resides in their dainty little mitt. Warning: Ming has learned from bitter experience to not sign Ernest Hemingway, Kurt Vonnegut or other such authors who are widely known to be dead. Also avoid signing copies of The Audacity Of Hope as the author's picture is right on the cover and makes for an all too ready comparison.
After his summary ejection, Ming's next move will be to find a nice white coat and start signing Conditional Response Letters at the FDA. He's on much firmer ground there since he has to know as much about biological therapeutics as they do. Then again, so does everyone else.

A Layman's Guide To Statistical Debate

Oftentimes, a person not well grounded in probability theory feels at a loss in making responses to recondite posts involving statistical analysis. This need not be so. Allow Ming to guide your faltering footsteps through this maze as follows:

1) Before composing your post, always first imbibe no less than a quart of Old Overholt. This will allow you to realize that you have many insightful thoughts to share.

2) Always remain keen to use technical terms such as alpha, P value, standard deviations, H.R. etc. Be sure to mix and match at random.

3) Insert Latin wherever remotely possible. Quid pro quo, ipso facto, inter alia, etc. This lends an aura of scholarship to your stupid argument.

4) Derogate your opponent at every opportunity by inserting meaningless phrases, such as "Let's not compare apples and oranges" or "That's neither here nor there".

5) Never forget that the last refuge of the ignorant is a good ad hominem attack(see #3 above) which is always in vogue. Ming's personal favorite is "Only a fool would think that".

6) Lastly, remember that people are always impressed by the strength of your convictions, rather than the content of your argument. So feel free to use invective, display anger and threaten the physical safety of your opponent.

Ming hopes to soon be marketing these insights and incites in C.D. format. Check your local T.V. listings under paid programming, always a good source of worthwhile information.

Ming Makes Lemonade From Lemons

Gracious host Ming brings out a nice glass jar filled with poisonous snakes fermenting in baijiu. The Chinese consider snake alcohol to be medicinal and comrade Wei Pork Yu, author of the latest five year plan is honored.

After much lubrication, Wei's tongue is loosened and begins to brag that his five year plan calling for stimulus in the form of new infrastructure will provide the basis for Chinese expansion. He sneers that the U.S. attempts to arouse banks to keep lending to consumers will be a boon only to the Chinese finger puzzle industry as they fritter away their money on tchotskes. He says that then the U.S. will be forced to sell it's assets to the cash rich and more productive Chinese.

The major source of it's foreign exchange will then be Chinese tourist dollars as they arrive to tour their new colony. America will become a nation of waiters and prostitutes(think France). They will be reduced to producing rickshaws for internal consumption since no one will be able to afford an auto. Only PhDs will be allowed to apply for the relatively lucrative position of rickshaw puller and will be the envy of the less well educated masses.

Ming will grow rich selling plastic sandals and straw coolie hats for Brooks Brothers new line of executive wear.

Ming To Be Declared Idiot Savant

A proud Ming always knew he had the idiot part down pat. Now he supposes the savant part is in recognition of his ability to play the Beer Barrel Polka on the kazoo while simultaneously abusing himself. Yet Ming secretly hopes it's because he bought Dendreon and is soon to be vindicated notwithstanding everything the stock hasn't done recently.

Then a gracious Ming will be giving a hearty handshake to one and all. Just remember to ask him to use one of those wet wipes beforehand.

Jellybeans On Wheels

Rolls Royce, Mercedes Benz, any of the Big Three's emissions, it doesn't matter. They all look alike to the untutored Ming and the look isn't one that sells cars.

If you ever saw a 1959 Cadillac Eldorado and you stayed alert as all of it went by, you'd never mistake it for any of the jellybeans that pass for cars today.

Since Ming has the stray moment not otherwise devoted to wringing his hands over the stock market's demise as a source of obscene riches, he'll solve Detroit's problems without even extorting an outrageous consulting fee.

All those cretins need do is bring back the 1957 Studebaker Golden Hawk, the 1957 Lincoln Premiere and the gorgeous 1957 Chrysler 300C. But oh no, not those louts. They would rather now come out with something yet worse than their jellybean specials. Their latest attempts to bring back mass bus transit look like bicycles with boxes on top.

Couldn't they make at least one more 1957 Pontiac Safari for Ming to tool around in once he wallows in that cornucopia of cash that Dendreon will, however tardily, disgorge?

Ya Know

Ya know, ever since some poster on the Investor Village's Dendreon Board pointed out CNBC's Charlie Gasparino's penchant for interspersing "ya know" throughout his perorations, ya know, Ming has developed the neurotic habit of , ya know, counting Gasparino's ya knows.

Now, ya know, Ming sees this in almost every other cretin they interview, but ya know, those other cretins at least refrain from repeating their talking points ad nauseam, as, ya know, Gasparino does.

But, ya know, even that's preferable to the world's greatest expert on everything, Steve Leisman, running roughshod over the other commentators and guests and blithely, ya know, over talking them all.

Meanwhile, ya know, Ming knows that ya know all this, ya know?

Ming Has Been Flummoxed

For days poor Ming has been denied access to his own blog by the cretins at Google who demand he first navigate some obscure new ritual to no apparent purpose other than to frustrate the much put upon Ming. It would be easier becoming a 32nd degree Mason.

Ming almost wishes he was paying for the privilege of blogging so he could now have the exquisite pleasure of canceling his subscription and retiring in high dungeon.

Ming should also get to bill the insidious pranksters at Google for the broken furniture incurred when a frustrated Ming chewed the legs off several chairs and one end table while trying to comply with their unreasonable requests. Several guests are now suing after having sat on Ming's faulty furniture to their instant regret.

Nonetheless, a gracious Ming apologizes to his readers for not having posted his usual mind rotting material over the last few days and promises to dredge up the usual supercilious crappola for your delectation in the future assuming Google leaves him alone.

Ming's Puritanical Propensities

Based on H. L. Mencken's definition of puritanism as "the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy", Ming is right up there with Cotton Mather.

The disgruntled Ming would hate to think anyone is enjoying the great roulette wheel called the stock market whilst poor Ming is wallowing in miasma.

The next guy Ming sees on Wall Street with a smile is going to need treatment for hydrophobia as a rabid Ming bites him on the ankle.

Naturally, should Dendreon's Provenge receive approval, Ming will instantly transmute into Voltaire's Pangloss, seeing this as the best of all possible worlds.

Casting Ming's Bread Upon The Waters

Mingovia Savings Bank and it's subsidiary Ming Motor Company demand a Federal bailout. The legacy costs at Ming Motor Company for it's sole employee, Chairman Ming, are astronomical, and include items such as bail, detox, rehab, legal fees on appeal etc.

The good news is Ming Motor Company has never built a car so retooling for more fuel efficient vehicles is unnecessary, thus making them more worthy than the Big Three auto companies for a handout.

The parent company, Mingovia Savings Bank also needs money to buy toasters and escort services to use as incentives to draw in new fish which is the term of art for customers in financial circles. Hopefully, customer deposits in future will enjoy a better return now that Chairman Ming swears he will no longer bet Mingovia deposits on cheap claiming races.

Stingy Treasury Officials should be made aware that both Mingovia and Ming Motor are paragons compared to the shameless charlatans whose unwashed hands are now extended in supplication.

Ming Gives His All For The Cause

The Investor Village Message Board needs to know the interim event trigger point in the current Phase III Provenge Trial to be able to evaluate the chances for a positive result at final.

A heroic Ming is prepared to make that a reality. All they need do is whisper into the shell-like ear of Jennifer, the Dendreon Investor Relations person that should she divulge this hitherto proprietary info, an evening with Ming is hers to have. Assure her, that she can even have her way with him, assuming she first lets him supersize his fries at the elegant bistro to which he demands she take him.

Should she still prove recalcitrant to divulge the trigger after that experience, threaten her with enduring yet another evening with the drooling, insatiable, satyrlike Ming.

Ming Demands They Wire Joe Kernan's Jaw Shut

Ming also demands CNBC buy Ming a new T.V. set to replace the one he punched out this morning. An eager Ming tuned in at 7:00 A.M. to hear what the esteemed and prescient NYU economist Nouriel Roubini had to say on their pre-market show about anything he chose to opine upon. Everytime the intellectually challenged Kernan asked a question, he would steamroll Roubini with his own take on the question he posed.
So instead of Roubini being able to expand on the sound bite they allowed him, the great Kernan blathered on instead.
Ming understands this was his punishment for even tuning in CNBC, but if he wants this level of input, he can repair to one of New York's cut-rate Blarney Stone bars and get the same cut-rate input by turning to the clod doing boilermakers sitting next to him.

Ming Takes The Nickel

"If it please the Court, the People would like Mr. Ming T. Merciless to explain what a mangonel is".
A crestfallen Ming mumbles,"You can't get them anymore, so Ming built his own, but it's only a small one".
"Let the record show that Mr. Merciless admits to building and possessing this medieval siege apparatus, that he was found placing it opposite FDA Headquarters and was in possession of what the State's Forensic Laboratory found to be, six bushels of yak fece.
"Mr. Merciless, please explain your intent on being found in possession of these items at that location".
"I think I'll take the nickel on that one, if it's all the same to your worship", mumbled Ming.
"Your admissions thus far, now preclude availing yourself of fifth amendment privileges so please respond".
"They had it coming, your worship. The FDA is figuratively so full of it when deciding on new therapeutics from small biotechs that Ming decided they should be literally full of it too. But just as Ming got the right trajectory to land a flagon of fertile fece at the Commish's window, their fascist goon squad impinged on his freedom of expression" beamed the now loquacious Ming, playing to the gallery.
Bail was denied and a competency hearing is to be held after evaluation as the defendant was dragged away asking when he can have his mangonel back.

Ming Demands Bailout

Banking,Insurance, Autos, all demand and receive bailouts. Ming represents big fortune cookie interests who also like free money. Fortune cookies are the mainstay of American industry. Where else can investors go for good advice? (good fortune awaits you). How else can the lovelorn find their mate?(the time is ripe to wed). Whom else can the bemused find to guide their faltering footsteps?(this is your lucky day). What other industry would pay Ming to generate puerile platitudes?(a sunny smile is it's own reward).
To quote that unfortunate rubric,"That's how the cookie crumbles" must not be allowed to happen. Don't fudge fortune cookies. Give Ming free money now or else.(he who cradles the rock, rules the world).

Ming Is Crushed

The big write in groundswell for the Merciless candidacy failed to materialize. Ming blames his advisers. The invasion of Canada to plunder their resources should not have been divulged as a major plank in Ming's platform. Having said that, Ming will not apologize for openly demanding the guillotine for all FDA and SEC personnel. However, in deference to the squeamish, perhaps firing squads were the way to go.
Yet, Ming should still do better than break even on selling his artfully worded, but noncommittal, "I Backed The Winner" bumper stickers.

Ming Takes Umbrage

Actually Ming will take anything that's not nailed down. But what Ming does take umbrage at is the political bile being spewed on his favorite message board where only deep Dendreon thoughts belong.
To all those venting on behalf of their candidate, let Ming quote Emma Goldman, the early twentieth century anarchist; "If voting really changed anything, they'd make it illegal".

Each Candidate Begs Ming For Endorsement

Curiously, each candidate feels very ecumenical and begs Ming to endorse his opponent. Ming fools them both and institutes a write in campaign for himself. Candidate Ming has it all. He is predictable. You know in advance he will screw you with a song on his lips. He will make such outrageous promises that even the most dour voter will double up with laughter. He will kiss babes and hug babies or maybe the other way around. He promises an education system where all children will be smarter than their peers, a health plan that provides you operations whether you want them or not. Comes the Revolution everyone gets strawberries and cream even if they're allergic. Remember, a vote for Ming is a vote for Ming.(remind Ming to fire his speech writer). That's the same cretin who suggested , " Put Ming in the White House even though he's a real Louse."