Ming Demands Free Power Chair

Seeing T.V. ads from The Scooter Store, solid citizen Ming is sure he qualifies for a free wheelchair based on the disabilities inflicted on him by an uncaring Stock Market. Ming has taken it up the wazoo in the Market to such a degree that he can now barely walk.

Besides Ming sees the possibility of a quick buck if enough people get these souped up wheelchairs and Ming can convince them to retrofit V-6 engines on them. This could be big. It could become the NASCAR for geriatrics with corporations paying to have their logos on winning wheelchairs.

Naturally, Ming Enterprises will be calling the shots at least until the first racing scandal when Ming is caught doping the drivers with Geritol. After all, at that age they probably have iron deficiency anemia, or as Ted Mack would have said, "tired blood".

Multimillionaire Takes Personal Interest In Ming

Watching stupid CNBC or more correctly the commercials with the occasional break for their announcers' blather, Ming is intrigued by some large clod with a head too small for his body who claims to have turned $33,000 into $7,000,000 in the stock market.

He advertises constantly and generously offers to share this knowledge by encouraging the dimwitted Ming to send for some free booklet. Now the self-centered Ming, had he got his unwashed digits on seven million reasons to retire, would have other things to do with his time.

Yet, the only thing on this troglodyte's mind is to make the gullible Ming rich by showing him how to beat the market. Surely more money could be made by this refugee from from a basketball court by using this wonderful knowledge to operate a hedge fund. Tears come to Ming's eyes knowing that such selfless people are still out there willing to share their cornucopia of insights with the unwashed masses.

Lucky Lindy Flys The Atlantic

Another breaking news story that Charlie Gasparino doubtlessly broke first on CNBC when he's not busy kissing the hinnies of hedge fund managers like Jim Chanos.

The peasant-like Gasparino's specialty is repeating whatever points he thinks he's conveying while oblivious to the social convention that states conversations are not monologues. Clearly unable to construct simple declarative sentences, he intersperses his errant eructations with "you know" never less than three times per two sentences.

Overtalking others is a skill learned at an early age when arguments are won based on decibel level rather than merit. On CNBC Charlie's a star.

Feeling A Tad Disgruntled?

Just because you're a common slob that wasn't invited to any of the ten Presidential Inaugural Balls being held tonight is no reason to sulk. Ming has the answer. Just send him the modest sum of 100 dollars and he will provide you with your very own inaugural ball by Spaulding. Pictured thereon will be all the luminaries of the new administration.

Your friends,(assuming you really have any), will be flummoxed to learn that not only were you seen bouncing around the inaugural ball but you can honestly claim to be able to play ball with the entire new administration.

Ming has the balls to make this offer. So get all balled up and send for yours today.

Own A Piece Of History

Ming Enterprises is now able to offer you the opportunity to purchase one of the Porto-Potties to be used on the parade route during tomorrow's Presidential Inauguration. Proudly display it in your living room and when the economy keeps going in the crapper no matter what this or any other administration can do, so can you. A limit of two Porto-Potties to a family. A certificate of authenticity accompanies each Potty.

Should demand exceed supply, Ming Enterprises reserves the right to substitute a Mr. Johnny or a Port-a-San of our choice.

Ming Mulls Name Change

Ming is contemplating a new cognomen. Learning that Donald Trump was already taken by some clod with a comb over, he is trying to decide if he should legally change his name to "They"

They always know what's up and They always screw everyone else so They seem to be who Ming should become.

Ming, of course doesn't want to be too hasty here. Changing his name to Charity also has advantages. This is readily apparent should Ming advertise one of his latest scams. You really can't be brought down by those vindictive Postal Inspectors for saying that all proceeds go to Charity if that's really your name.

Then again, a name like Bill King would provide fair warning as to Ming's intent.

Ming is so conflicted, maybe he should just keep his own name and not have to change the monogram on his hankies.

Ming Already Has His Alibi

Federal investigators say the left engine on the US Airways jetliner that made an emergency landing in the Hudson River is missing.

Just in case they try pining their missing engine on Ming, he has several reputable sources who can place him in Madame Wu's House Of 1001 Delights when the plane hit the river. Besides, what with the lousy economy, the price of scrap metal has gone through the floor as Ming found out after shlepping the damn engine all the way to Honest Murry's Salvage whose motto is "Your Crap Is Our Scrap".

Ming Makes Fortune

They're flying off the shelves even as we speak. Ming's underpaid minions can't keep production equal to demand. The Madoff Mug is this season's must have tschotske. Replete with the photo of a smiling Bernie above the phrase, "Ive been mugged by this mug's mug and have the mug to prove it". Ten percent of all profits go to the Free Bernie Fund so send in your order today. The first 100,000 callers will also receive a complementary vial of cyanide for use with their handsome new mug. Ming Industries apologizes that we underestimated demand and have now completely run out of our complementary vials of hemlock.

The Madoff Mug has been officially endorsed by the City of New York as ever so much more preferable than having commuters endure those endless traffic jams caused by Madoff investors who thoughtlessly hurl themselves off our bridges and subway platforms without regard to the inconvenience of their fellow New Yorkers. Ming fully expects to receive the Keys to the City for having provided this alternative to the City's much heralded traffic woes.

Bernie Must Be Tired

All day CNBC makes poor Bernie get in and out of the same car over and over again. Give Bernie a break already. The guy needs a haircut. He's wearing a cheap raincoat. He doesn't even seem to own a hat and they say he copped $50 billion.

Meanwhile, unless he tells them where, when and how, the cretins that work for the Government wont be able to figure it out. So be nice to Bernie. A ticked off Bernie is not a Bernie that will cooperate. Send out for pizza with Bernie's favorite topping. Deliver fresh bagels every morning with a schmeer of his favorite cream cheese. Cough up the latest box office hits for his delectation on his wide-screen T.V. And whatever else you do, make nice when you talk to him. Bernie doesn't like loud noises and impertinent questioners.

Bernie's Inventory List

The unreasonable and petty minions of the Law now expect poor Bernie Madoff to compile a list of his assets for their morbid, voyeuristic pleasure. Fortunately, while dumpster diving behind Bernie's building Ming came up for air with a draft of that list which he now graciously shares for your delectation.

1) An 8x10 glossy of Carlo Ponzi

2) Six deposit bottles of Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray Tonic

3) An original Captain Video decoder ring

4) Three and a quarter books of S&H Green Stamps

5) A 50 cent coupon for SMUT(note from Ming; Bernie is dyslexic. He means TUMS)

6) An autographed photo inscribed, "To my pal Bernie, All the best, Arthur Levitt"

7) A deed to Manhattan

8) A deed to SEC Headquarters in Washington D.C.

9) An eviction notice to the SEC

10) An eviction notice to all residents of Manhattan

Berie; Just Call Martha

Martha Stewart said she found out how to remove those house arrest bracelets on the internet. Asked about the electronic monitoring device she must wear on her ankle she had complained repeatedly that it irritated her skin. Stewart says she knows how to remove it. "I watched them put it on. You can figure out how to get it off," she is quoted as saying. "It's on the Internet. I looked it up."

So when Bernie is in Brazil which has no extradition agreement with the U.S., they can arrest his dog after Bernie puts the bracelet on him and the short arm of the law finally wises up.

Getting Your Armani Suit Soiled

The new administration's plan to create jobs by rebuilding the infrastructure could very well cause the newly unemployed to soil your dainties not to mention their Armani suits. A nation of paper pushers relegated to spreading hot tar on the roadways can only do damage to their haberdashery thus having the unintended consequence of serving to enrich the dry cleaning industry.

Perhaps the Government could instead form a virtuous circle of it's citizens each selling a valuable time share in some ski resort to the fellow on his right who in turn resells it to the fellow on his right ad infinitum. Or have we already tried that?

No matter. Once the illegal aliens rebuild the infrastructure, we can sell the time shares to them.

New Yorkers Are Getting Soft

Elderly NYC Lobster in Restaurant Tank Gets A New Lease On Life

That's what a Manhattan lobster got Friday, when the 20-pound crustacean named George was released from a swanky Park Avenue restaurant's tank.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is applauding City Crab and Seafood for allowing the old-timer to live out his days in freedom.

Lobsters typically live to be 100-plus. PETA, using a rule of thumb based on weight, estimates George is about 140.

The lobster was caught off Newfoundland, Canada. He lived in the restaurant's tank for about 10 days. He is to be released Saturday near Kennebunkport, Maine, in an area where lobster trapping is forbidden.

In Ming's day we would have made him an exhibit on the Coney Island Boardwalk and maybe even gotten him a social security card so his checks could be made available to his deserving caretakers, strictly for use in his upkeep during his golden years of course.

Make A Buck With Bernie

Poor Ming is grinding his teeth since he neglected to hop aboard the Madoff madness. Ebay has more than 100 Madoff items up for bid, most of which are items originally generated by Madoff Securities for distribution to employees and customers . They range from tote bags to cigar humidors all with the Madoff Securities logo.

Ming's favorite is the appropriately designated Madoff fleece jackets, the perfect outerwear to be seen in while being fleeced by Bernie.

Maybe it's still not too late to market a full line of Bernie Madoff designer crying towels for the undiscerning investor.

Ming Can't Outdo Reality Because It's So Unclear

(Associated Press)
(Associated Press)
NEW ROCHELLE, N.Y. – Police say a woman taking a driving test ended up pinning a bystander after losing control of the car on a snowy Westchester County road.

New Rochelle police said the 23-year-old driver rounded a corner Wednesday morning, lost traction and trapped a man cleaning snow off his car. Lt. George Marshall says the examiner tried to use the test car's secondary set of brakes, but they failed.

The 33-year-old bystander was taken to a hospital with leg and shoulder pain.

Investigators are trying to determine whether the accident was due to equipment failure, the driver's inexperience, speed or the snow. Marshall says no citations have been issued.

It's unclear whether she will have to retake the test.

Ming Suffers From Suze Ormanitis

Every time poor Ming sees Suze Orman on T.V. his sperm count goes down and his testes retract. Ming suspects he is not alone and hopes the FDA soon approves a vaccine to cure this affliction even though they don't approve much of anything lately.

Until then send your contributions to the Help Stamp Out Suze Orman Fund care of Ming T. Merciless, all checks to be made out to cash. In return you will receive a complimentary spray can of Suze Orman Begone with which to blackout your T.V. screen in self defense. A certificate of authenticity accompanies every can.