Peasant

Yes you. Everyone that has a job or thinks they deserve one also thinks they are in the middle class. Balderdash says Ming. You are wallowing in wishful thinking. In reality you are the working poor and getting poorer by the day.

Inflation over the last generation makes your inflated salary worth no more than your grandfather's wage from wielding a pick and shovel when he washed ashore after fleeing some foreign sink hole. The tax brackets that now apply were meant for the rich in the preinflation era. Now they ensnare you, making the widow's mite that is laughably called your compensation "package" worth even less, net of taxes, than you thought.

Education is the answer say all the pundits. Horse pucky says Ming. College will saddle you(or your parents) with debt. Then the position for which your training qualifies you will be exported to wherever people work for less. Besides, B students work for C students and A students, lacking people skills are forced to teach at the institutions from which they graduate.

What to do? Ming, as always, has the answer. Pretend you are an unwashed immigrant. Having no credentials they are forced to do something useful and are usually paid in cash. Barbers, taxi drivers, restaurateurs etc. They then fiddle their taxes, keeping all their hard earned money and in ten years own mansions, late model cars and have no debt while you are forced to buy suits so you can sit under the fluorescents shuffling someone else's paper all day.

Maybe Ming should just blame the above peroration on that bad burrito now wending it's way through his system that peristalsis seems unwilling to push along, or maybe not.

Ming Solves Greek Debt Problem

Yes, Ming hasn't posted to his blog recently because he's been going hammer and tongs with the Greek authorities negotiating a foolproof solution to their debt problem that won't cost them a penny.

Instead of dancing in the aisles and breaking plates in paroxysms of unbridled joy, these clods seem not to fully appreciate the opportunity Ming is trying to bestow on them.

All they need do is reduce the Parthenon into pieces small enough to fit into blister packs suitable for sale at supermarket checkout counters. These impulse sales of instant history evoking the Athens of Pericles is a sure winner and will erase those debts quicker than you can say hoopa. All Ming asks in return is the franchise rights to all giro souvlaki stands in the good old U.S.A.

Ming already knows that some crybabies will whine about despoiling Western Civilization's heritage. To that Ming gives the well reasoned response of PHOOEY. The pollution from auto emissions alone, in Athens is going to reduce the Parthenon to rubble in about ten more minutes anyway. Why not turn the quick buck before that happens? Besides, if this turns out to be a real winner, there's plenty of rubble in the Bronx that is available so that no history buff need be disappointed.

The Sap Runs In The Spring

That means you. It's Spring and one of the places you are likely to run is to NYC. Hence, the kindhearted Ming offers the following admonitions to benighted tourists.

1) Don't stand at the edge of subway platforms. Perforce, potential pushers proliferate on platforms.

2) Don't ever stare anyone in the eye. A true native New Yorker will quickly punch your ticket with a song on their lips.

3) If attacked just act crazy. No one wants to deal with crazy people although achieving the requisite level of craziness to stand out from all the competition in NYC will not be easy. Practice in front of a mirror in the privacy of your own home before coming here.

4) Always trip on a registered pothole before attempting to sue the City. Under the NYC Pothole Law only irregularities in the street that have been reported but not repaired can result in the City being deemed negligent. This is the lawsuit capital of America and if NYC has any hopes of avoiding bankruptcy this law had to be enacted.

5) If a particularly shifty-eyed, impecunious, badly dressed and poorly groomed lout accosts you for spare change, before shoving him aside, be sure and ask if his name is Ming. He'll give you a good deal on "I Love New York" tschotskes.

It Just Gets Better And Better

First they send Ming a letter telling him they are going to send him a letter. Then the Census Bureau Letter arrives. Now they are sending Ming a letter telling him that they sent him the letter that they promised to send him in their first letter.

They even ask if he responded although they probably haven't noticed they have questions that can't truthfully be answered until April 1st.

Maybe Ming should send them a letter telling them he will respond to their letter. Then, after he does respond, he can send them a letter asking if they received his response and maybe even then send a letter asking why they haven't responded to Ming's second letter.

And you want the Government to oversee your health care? You better like receiving letters.

Ming Gets Racist Hate Mail

Yes, the Census Bureau has sent Ming the letter they threatened to send in their previous letter. They demand to know Ming's race, origin and every other thing they excoriate anyone else for asking who's not in the Government.

Why ask such things since in America, everyone is equal anyway unless they plan to make some more equal than others. Maybe they do this already. Witness the mortgage debacle. They already told Banks who they better lend to or else with the predictable results.

Maybe Ming should fill out the parts that are not in English. Maybe Ming should tell them he is a native american and they should just give him back his country or at least let him open up another casino.

All their meddling is divisive, counterproductive and as an aside, a big waste of time. Illegal aliens won't answer, can't answer or won't even get the form. Solid citizen Ming will answer and keep paying taxes so the glorious government can have the money to keep sending him more forms.

Maybe this is the answer to the unemployment problem. Government hires everyone to send each other forms to fill out. Everyone gets a paycheck and has money to spend. Only question left is where does Ming go to pick up his Noble Prize in Economics?

Your Government In Action

Ming received a letter today from the Census Bureau alerting him to expect a letter from the Census Bureau and to not throw it away. Unless they expect Ming to loiter around the mailbox in anticipation, why not just send the next letter, form, booklet or whatever and tell him therein to not throw it away?

Now New York State wants to tax soda to both raise revenue and cut down on soda consumption to promote good health. These are mutually exclusive goals. More revenue requires more soda to be consumed. Better health means less gargling with soda and perforce less revenue.

Two years or so ago, New York State increased the convoluted instruction booklet and forms for individual income tax preparation to the degree it became telephone directory size. Now it's too expensive to send, so they create the equivalent of an Easter Egg hunt, telling you to go to the library to get the forms and instructions. How many people just now forget all about it and how does this serve to enhance their attempt to garner more taxes by not only making the filing more complicated but making the logistics more onerous as well?

One out of every seven people in this country work for the Government in one of it's many manifestations. Some are so loath to disengage from the Government mammary that they become double dippers. Twenty years in one pigeon hole and then twenty years in another. Two pensions to reward their sterling efforts.

Maybe this post should instead be entitled "Your Government Inaction"

Your Chance To Attain Immortality

Don't go through your shabby existence collecting mere trifles. Man of the year awards, golfing trophies, honorable mentions. All such dross is ephemeral and soon forgotten after Sharon poles you across the river Styx. Latch onto something that will ensure posterity hasn't forgotten your wretched stay in this veil of tears.

Sign up now and for a nominal sum, Ming will name a pothole in the Bronx after you. Rest assured, a Bronx pothole is immortal. They are never filled. In fact, they grow larger with each passing year.

What more could you ever want than to have your name on the lips of every passing motorist whose alignment goes awry as they hurdle your very own pothole. "Damn that Harvey Slobnick pothole. That's the second time this week that Slobnick got me" or some such other epithet as your very own pothole is encountered.

Let it be written into the record that all those saps who get a star named after them will be livid with envy in the great hereafter as you proudly look down from whatever cloud you've been assigned to patrol and turn to them pointing with pride as your very own pothole causes yet another hub cab to disengage from some poor schemiel's car. You still count for something in the great scheme of things.

Be advised Ming takes only cash for this invaluable service. No checks. No Paypal and definitely no IOUs. After all, being counted amongst the immortals should cost something. Everything else does.

What's A Luge?

This recent accident at the Winter Olympics leads a befuddled Ming to wonder where they come up with these "sporting" events. Ming has never even known a luger although he's seen many people cough up a lunger.

Why aren't these events geared to what people really do? Where is the turnstile jumping competition? How about the downslope pocket picking event? Isn't there a freestyle insult hurling or have they already conceded the trophy by default to NYC?

An intermural short changing competition by each country's leading supermarket checkout clerks would garner much interest as would the subway seat grabbing finals or the marathon taxi hailing event .

The whole Olympic idea is flawed. Ming has never hurled a javelin but he has hurled many an insult. Let's give Ming something he can relate to.

Free Enterprise Suffers Another Blow

Apparently big business can't stand a little competition. That's why entrepreneur Ming and his twenty blankets were bounced off that plane yesterday.

It appears that a certain unnamed airline will now charge $8 for the use of a blanket on domestic flights. The clever Ming planned to undercut them by $3, charging a mere $5 and even tucking you in, gratis.

Naturally, the lullaby singing you to sleep is extra as is telling you a bedtime story. Ming even promises not to go through your pockets once you arrive in the land of nod. Let's see the airlines match that offer.

Screw Nietzsche

This is what Ming gets for reading Friedrich Nietzsche's Die Frohliche Wissenschaft. His doctrine of eternal recurrence whereby we are all reborn over and over, doomed to relive our lives exactly as before is depressing.

After all, just think that each time you turn on the T.V. it's just like seeing a summer rerun every time.

Not to mention having to kill time standing on the same line in the supermarket while the cretin in front of you pays by laboriously writing a check time after time throughout eternity.

Ming refuses to even consider going to the Motor Vehicle Bureau more than once, let alone in every lifetime. Maybe Ming should just confine himself to reading comic books and watching porno. Although one always has to be sure and see porno from the start, otherwise it's nearly impossible to follow the plot.

.

.

Stretching Ming's Credulity Until It Snaps

Science must really think that Ming is a real sucker and will swallow anything just because it's scientific. Now they try to convince him that DNA evidence shows that George Stephanopoulos and Hillary Clinton are cousins.

They might as well say that Pu Yi, last emperor of the Qing Dynasty was related to Marilyn Monroe. Although now that Ming thinks about it, both did get screwed royally so they did have that in common.

Science is always toying with Ming's mind to the degree that he can't eat anything without feeling guilty about it. They feed some mouse the human equivalent of a 55 gallon drum of butter. The mouse barfs it up and they tell you that clearly, butter's not good for you.

Next, as improbable as it may now seem, they'll tell Ming that eating a few pounds of chocolate covered herring for breakfast is somehow deleterious to his weight and well being. Balderdash!!! It even tastes better with Boscoe.

No Good Deed Remains Unpunished

You can bet your bottom zlotnick that this is the last time Ming tries to help out. In an attempt to get in out of the rain, Ming attended a book signing at one of those chains of bookstores that unlike real bookstores, all have the same books no matter which one you go to.

Still, Ming saw there was a lot of work to do, so he graciously pitched in. Then pandemonium broke out. Even though he was signing the right names to the proper books, Ernest Hemingway in Of Time And The River, William Faulkner in Absalom, Absalom and Joseph Conrad in Victory, they somehow took umbrage and bounced poor Ming out on his keister.

Ming has learned his lesson. From now on, when in a bookstore, he'll sign the books using his real name just like the person at the table with the long line does.

Who Knew It Was This Simple?

Here in NYC they are closing several public schools because results are not up to par. What an epiphany for Ming. It's the building's fault. Maybe the water fountains don't work. If we put the same students and the same teachers in another building, clearly, the results must improve.

To close a building because of what goes on there and to expect a different result because of it could only work if you are referring to the United Nations building, and then only if you seal it up with all the "diplomats" inside. Admittedly the escort industry(a polite euphemism) would also suffer a huge setback but Ming is sure their customer base would come again.

Increase In Terrorist Threat Level

They tell everyone to be vigilant. Ming is still laughing at the local authorities in NYC from back when they admonished the populace when riding the subways to report anyone that looked suspicious.

Have any of these "authorities" ever ridden the subway? Everyone looks suspicious. If they don't look suspicious, that's suspicious.

Not too long ago, Ming was riding in the first car, up front. Some guy was standing there looking out at the tracks comming up, talking to himself. Note. That is not suspicious. That is normal in the subway. What was suspicious was that he was interrogating himself all they way from lower Manhattan to the North Bronx.

What did she say to you? What did you say back? Then what happened? Did you tell her what she could do? etc. etc. ad infinitum, ad nauseum. It was so distracting, Ming could hardly hear himself talk to himself.

The Mafia Needs A Few Good Men

Given the current economic climate, why waste time and money getting an education only to find jobs don't exist or that they will be outsourced overseas? Join an organization that has proven it's staying power in every economic environment. It's easy. No education required. In fact educated applicants are looked upon with suspicion. Pick up an application in almost any candy store in the Bronx and Brooklyn today.

For those too cheap to buy the cram course, Ming graciously provides several of the most asked questions you are likely to see on your application.

Wazza you name?

Wazza you cousins names?

You can showa da respect?

Uzza likka da money?

Howza you bocce ball game?

Multiple choice; You getta caught. Do you
a)Ratta out uzza paisanos
b)Takka da beating and keepa you mouth shut
c)Writta da book after conviction

Note that the successful applicant will be required to hang around candy stores all day randomly grabbing their crotch and shouting "hey chickee, chickee" to all passing females under the age of 70. Murdering your best friend when told to will also be requisite. Willingness to hold car doors for the Don is a plus. Small matters when considering the Mafia has an excellent dental plan, three weeks vacation and is off most holidays. Good luck to all applicants.

The Decline Of American Manhood

Ming is chagrined when seeing couples being interviewed on T.V. on vitually any subject. The wife is official spokesperson bellowing all manner of drivel in stentorian tones that brooks no challenge. The schlemiel on her left just stands there like the dummy he clearly is. If he has the temerity to even squeek, the haridan immediately overtalks him and with trembling chin he subsides into meek silence.

Ming bets that after a hard day on the couch watching his ill-fated stock picks on CNBC get crushed, he doesn't even have the courage to demand a hot meal be brought him after his wife comes home from work.

All this is now at an end. As a public service Ming is offering his King of the Castle audio tapes on the internet. Memorize the entire peroration. You are the King. She is but a vassal whose only function is to cater to your every whim etc. etc. Learn to say no when she wants her odious mother over for the Holidays. Learn to cut her household allowance when you need emergency beer money when you and your bar buddies want to go hunting.

Order now and we'll include a first aide kit with butterfly bandages for use when those flying ashtrays and dishes hit their mark. But that's not all. Mention Ming and our operators, who are now on standby, will give the first 100 callers all the necessary forms for that do-it-yourself divorce she keeps shouting about.

Remember, order now and you really got it coming.

Alas, Poor Eldrick

Kiss those royalties goodbye. That Annie Leibovitz photo adorning the cover of this month's Vanity Fair will put paid to any future Tiger Woods endorsements. One doubts if that is the sort of image the great man was flogging to all his worshipful fans. Perhaps his marketability to the sneaker crowd or afficionados of Ring Magazine remains undiminished but other than that, only condom manufacturers can get a rise out of his new image.

Ming Demands Job As Head Of Homeland Security

Why is it that only Ming is capable of solving all the World's problems? Even the layabouts down at the barbershop says that's so. In fact, in a spare moment and without much thought, Ming has arrived at a foolproof solution to the airline security problem.

Allow anyone at all on planes. However, everyone boarding a plane must be both bald and naked. Naturally a fluffer must be in attendance before every flight to ensure the hirsute are not beating around the bush, so to speak, by secreting an H bomb or, heaven forfend, even a nasty nail clipper in all that foliage.

This would also have the ancillary benefit of encouraging would-be air travelers to attempt to become more buff if only to avoid the sneers of their fellow passengers. That in turn could reduce the Nation's medical expenses as the morbidly obese begin to lose weight that leads to all those nasty degenerative medical conditions.

It's axiomatic that President Obama is an avid reader of Ming's blog as are you. As such, it's merely a matter of time before he bounces Napolitano out on her well endowed keister and Ming is appointed head of Homeland Security.

Ming Is Relegated To The Crawl

No, not the pub crawling that you so unfairly insinuate Ming is prone to. Ming is alluding to the pap that passes for news on network television. While the well coiffed talking heads are engaging in feeble ad-libs to garner more camera time, Ming is left to squint at the crawl beneath, fraught with misspelling, to ferret out any real news.

They regale viewers with twaddle on the latest contratemps of Hollwood has-beens and wannabes while "WWIII breeks(sic) out" is crawling across the bottom of the screen. Ming supposes he'll just have to learn arabic in hopes that al jazeera still hasn't gone the way of the major news networks.

Beating Around The Bush

Where does it all end? First one feeble-minded clod tries to detonate some sort of firecracker in his shoe while on an airline flight. After which, everyone has to take their shoes off for inspection before boarding future flights.

Now some other misguided cretin secreting a detonatable powder in and around his groin area tries to ignite that on an airplane. Care to guess what Homeland Security is going to want to inspect next before each flight?

Let the patriotic Ming be the first to enlist for service in the new pubic police. Since it's an indisputable fact that women are more cunning than are men, then clearly women require the most intense scrutiny. Surely, Ming can do the most for his country by confining his insections to this area's area.

One can only hope the cadre of creeps that are hired for this err...new position will not suffer budgetary constraints. Only the best high powered magnifiers will do.

Dipping Into The Egg Nog

Ming reluctantly agrees that 23 egg nogs at the office Christmas party was perhaps one or two more than he should have quaffed. It was at that point that Ming started to wax philosophical. He was going on rhetorically asking what could possibly be bigger than this crazy world in which we find ourselves having to negotiate when someone said Uranus is 14 times bigger.

An offended Ming then said that his didn't look exactly tiny either. Things escalated from there and the last thing Ming remembers before passing out was being escorted out to the curb and deposited along with his Santa hat in a very unpleasant pile of New York City slush.

Next time Ming will confine himself to drinking Virgin Marys and hope that doesn't draw him into any discussions about religon.

It's Old But It Still Works

Want to sell bags of fingernail clippings? Tired of paying rent on that warehouse full of Nehru jackets? All that dreck and more can be easily sold with T.V. advertising.

The only stipulation is that your spokesperson have a British accent. We're not talking cockney or some other truncated versions of English speech. What is needed is the dulct tones of the upper class. It also doesn't hurt if your speaker looks the part. You're not going to get many orders for your matching set of crocheted tea cosies if Danny DeVito is flogging them on air even if he could affect an English accent.

To ensure solid sales, always advertise late at night. The lack of sleep makes insomniacs particularly vulnerable to soothing sales pitchs.

So old chap, who says reading Ming's eructations doesn't reap big dividends?

Global Warming Is Killing Poor Ming

After just having shoveled out from the latest nor'easter, an exhausted Ming wonders how much worse it might have been without the horrors of global warming. Thank goodness, the President's plane just got through the blizzard from his keynote speech at the Global Warming Conference.

Of course, there's no point in embarrassing anyone by reminding them that the Middle Ages was warmer all without the benefits of burning fossel fuel assuming you don't count cow paddies.

Ming cleverly plans to turn the proverbial lemons into lemonade by selling beachfront property in Arizona to Al Gore and all his worshipful cohorts. With every lot sold he'll even give them dibs on any penguins that might float ashore.

Billy Mays Here

Ming just saw a T.V. commercial for something called Jupiter Jack. It purports to be a speaker phone attached to the car radio making holding a cell phone while driving unnecessary.

It's spokesperson Billy Mays is shown driving a car and declaring he always uses the Jupiter Jack when on the road. Shouldn't a dead person's driver's license be revoked? Ming has nothing against Billy Mays earning a living. Some people even make more money dead than alive. Witness Elvis Presly and Michael Jackson. But it seems unsafe to let a dead person tool around in a car even if both hands are on the wheel thanks to Jupiter Jack.

Then there's the question as to if it's morally right to keep charging road tolls to the dead, even, for instance, if they still are allowed to vote should they hail from Chicago.

Redeeming Tiger's Image

Remember when in 1957 little Benny Hooper fell into that 21 foot deep irrigation well and the 24 hour long rescue by digging a second parallel hole became national news? This very same drama can now work to the noble Tiger's advantage.

With no one looking, he can dump one of his kiddies in a well and garner an outpouring of sympathy in his role as a concerned parent during the rescue attempt. Who could be so hard-hearted as to not empathize with our hero? All his peccadilloes will be forgiven and forgotten. His image will be redeemed and he'll be back on the links as soon as he signs a few autographs for the investigators from Child Protective Services.

Hitting a tiny ball with a variety of sticks for an adoring public,a little better than most other people, is what it's really all about, isn't it? Nothing should ever be considered more important than that.

Dolt!!!

How can you continue to sit there on your fat keister doing nothing when, day after day, your darling spouse goes on and on about how she should have married Stanley Dreckmeister, the Porta-Potty king of northern New Jersey or some such other winner.

Show her that you too can become a captain of industry. Get in on the ground floor of Ming's sure-fire new mail order sensation, dwarf fruit trees. Even as you read this, Ming is working on the prototype for this new blockbuster. Admittedly, he hasn't yet figured out how to get dwarfs to grow on trees nor can he guarantee that any of them will be fruits once they do, but with the proceeds of your investment , Ming will be able to procure enough additional trees to ensure that your investment will be a shady one.

Show your wife, once and for all, what kind of person she really married. Mortgage your home and send the proceeds to Ming at once. Tell her nothing until you hear from Ming that our efforts bore fruit. Until then, let this be our own delicious secret, safe in the knowledge that once she does find out she will laud you for your efforts the rest of your life.

Ingrates!!!

No, not you, gentle readers. It's Ming's neighbors who fail to appreciate all that he's done for them. Only yesterday his pet tapir escaped yet again and being hungry, quite naturally, managed to devour several local preschool moppets left unattended by their careless parents.

One would have thought those very same parents would be lining up to kiss Ming's hand and other portions of his anatomy for having saved them the proverbial bundle in future college costs. Only through the good offices of Ming going through the expense of having kept a pet tapir will they now be able to avoid the criminal financial exactions and burdens of what is a glorified high school's exercise in prolonged adolescence.

Yet, instead of approbation, Ming is now subject to opprobrium. You just can't fathom how some people think.

Ming Receives Myriad Requests to Continue Blogging

Yes, Sam Myriad keeps asking Ming to blog but the demands of his new book "Ming's Guide To The Perplexed" has crowded out all other endeavors to date. Now that the reviews have come pouring in he can return to generating more mind rotting blogs. Some of those kind reviews are shown below for your delectation.

I lacked tenacity until reading your book. Then a light bulb came on. Tommy Edison Menlo Park N.J.

No one thought I was smart enough to cross streets by myself, until your book gave me the courage to try. Al Einstein Princeton N.J.

I almost gave up before reading your fine book. G. Washington Valley Forge P.A.

My careet was in a shambles before I took your advice. Now I own a successful string of Kosher restaurants in South America. Marty Borman Asunsion Paraguay

I suffered horrible scarring from smallpox at the age of seven. When ten, an untreated arm injury left it three inches shorter than my other arm and I lost use of my hand. Only your guidance allowed me to ultimately reach my full potential despite my handicaps. Joseph Vissarionovich Djugashvili(but all my pals now just call me Stalin)

Yes dear reader, all you need do is send Ming your life savings and your own life will be changed forever. Remit funds to I've Got Mine Publishers, C/O General Post Office Eighth Avenue New York, N.Y. Ming will send your copy of "Ming's Guide To The Perplexed" in a plain brown envelope. This time, let's not make it easy for the Postal Inspectors.

Good News For Tiger

He's already landed several lush endorsement deals predicated on his latest efforts.

For the Notell Motel; "To everyone else, I'm Tiger Woods, but to the discrete Notell Motel, I'll always be John Smith. Try their "quickie" registration today and be sure to ask for those low, low hourly rates".

For the Lettuce Inn and Riding Academy; "If you have the lettuce that I do, you're always in at the lettuce in. Saddle up today. All special requests receive careful consideration from our staff of experienced equestrians."

Hence the old bromide, all publicity is good publicity.

How To Carve And Serve Your Thanksgiving Turkey

You might as well get some practical use from reading Ming's blog so the least Ming can do is get you through that annual ritual without too much embarrassment.

1) Insert knife between leg and body(the turkey's not yours)

2) After fifteen minutes of unavailing effort, stop cursing and pull the legs and wings off with those rusty pliers you keep under the sink

3) Next insert your cocktail glass into the cavity and start scooping out stuffing.

4) After that, stick your hand in and take out the gizzard wrapped in butcher paper that you forgot was there before inserting the bird in the oven

5) At this point you are ready to ask your relatives if they can do any better

6) Depending on the response, you now have a judgement call as to whether or not to declare a food fight

7) At no point should you make the error of admitting that this was really a chicken that you thought was good enough for them

8) Once the decibel level rises to the level that neighbors summon the police as you are once again denounced for ruining yet another happy holiday, grab what's left of the holiday cheer and lock yourself and it in the bathroom