Ming Arrested For Screwing Around

Soreheads at supermarket take umbrage when Ming unscrews hundreds of soda bottles, looking for the winning contest numbers under the bottlecaps. This is what poor Ming is now reduced to doing to find a winner while cooling his heels, waiting for interim. What the chuckleheads in management don't seem to realize is that it's in their own best interest to encourage a viable retail shareholder presence. The more dispersed the shareholder base, the less likely they'll be bounced out on their collective keisters when its irrevocably proven that Dendreon is worth acquiring. Keep retail interested and hopeful. Token share purchases by a somnambulant management is solicited.

A Perp Walk Is Good Exercise For The Economy

The SEC is dragged kicking and screaming to investigate the conspiracy to destroy companies only when it involves Wall Street biggies. The rumor mongering and naked shorting are worthy of RICO indictments which can apply to a conspiracy between two or more people or enterprises, legal or illegal. It allows prosecutors to freeze the assets of a "racket" from indictment up until verdict, effectively putting them out of business. All the SEC need do is subpoena the tapes of conversations at the major Houses and follow the rumors to the source which will be the hedge funds. Carlo Gambino wouldn't even have a phone in his house. He never served time. These guys are bush league sloppy. Once caught on tape the SEC should pass their findings up to Justice and have the FBI take over the investigation. Only when a few big players lose their money and their freedom will it be possible to have an orderly market. If this doesn't happen by year end, put a toe tag on the SEC and possibly the economy as well.

Let Ming Service You With Double Happiness

"Oh Ming, screamed his date, I've never had such happiness before". "How can you maintain such a consistent performance, again and again?" Yes, Ming admits to pleasuring the ladies with his famous Peking Double Happiness, made with pork and shrimp, smothered in his secret sauce. This brings to mind the last time the FDA ordered Dendreon to be taken out. It apparently was not too fulfilling since they are soon likely to try it again. Ming only hopes Mitch also has some secret sauce to smother any FDA impediments to approval. Maybe the FDA should consult their fortune cookie before interim now that other agencies are watching.

Ming Arrested While Engaged In Orgy

Standing outside FDA Headquarters shouting obscenities, poor Ming was arrested for Only Reviling Government Yahoos(ORGY). Barrister Ming, when called on to defend himself, argued that shouting, "obscenities, obscenities" is not sufficient grounds for being charged with shouting obscenities. His Worship reluctantly agreed but cheerfully threw the book at Ming anyway. Something to do with his placard alleging the FDA engages in unnatural acts by playing with prostates.

With Apologies To The Late Janice Joplin

Oh Lord won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz; My friends all have Porsches I must make amends; If the Trial's not stat sig by the time it does end; Ming will be pulling a rickshaw until his back bends.

Mitch Agrees To Reveal All To Ming

One would be surprised how they can get the run of a building armed only with a hard hat, clipboard and phone receiver attached to a tool belt. It's even more surprising how accessible a CEO becomes when trapped between floors in an elevator with that same person. Ming finds that grabbing the hapless party by the lapels and sharing the effluvium of his lovely limburger lunch is also very helpful in getting them to agree to divulge everything and swear to tell no one else. Mitch's exact words were, "You'll be the last person I would ever tell". Ming even graciously restarted the elevator when good sport Mitch generously promised him "You'll get your just desserts for this". Since Mitch did allude to a tort action in his inimitable mumble while making his egress, Ming can only hope a nice linzer torte with a golden brown crust and crushed almonds was meant for dessert. What a swell guy.

Ming Effortlessly Solves World's Problems

Only question left is where does Ming have to go to pick up his Nobel Prize and pose for statues to be erected in every city in his honor? Answer to energy and unemployment problem is simplicity itself. Ask yourself what is the one thing on earth not in short supply. People. Use vehicle time tested in Asia for transport. Rickshaws pulled by out of work realty agents, appraisers, mortgage brokers, securitizers of mortgage-backed obligations and sundry other marginal bottom feeders will do the job quite nicely when wearing plastic sandals. So it takes you a little longer to get there. You're not that important anyway. With one left over hot dog beyond its expiration date per day and a cup of weak coffee some of these low lifes could last two, maybe even three months before they give out. Then they could be replaced by other even lower dregs from the bottom of Society's barrel. FDA lackeys, IRS agents, SEC enforcement personnel. The supply of worthless clods is almost endless. Please don't embarrass a modest Ming with effusive accolades for sharing his thoughts. Just send money.

Ming Takes A Leaf From The FDA Playbook

"This bug is made of rubber", ejaculated the waiter. "Entomological autopsies are of no concern to Ming who will not pay for these cruddy comestibles". But you ate everything" intoned the incredulous hosteler. "A mere bagatelle" responded Ming loftily. Just as when Dendreon served up Provenge for the FDA's delectation, they too sought to game the offering by claiming bogus bugs were found. Now the hapless Ming is reduced to scraping dirty dishes to pay for his fare. Shouldn't the FDA also be made to pay for their duplicity?

Don't Put It In A Mattress, Give It To Ming

First Investors National Depository Mercantile Exchange(FINDME), Chairman Emeritus, Ming T. Merciless is now soliciting time deposits for a short time only. Don't miss out. Your funds will serve to underwrite the sale of Credit Default Swaps(CDS) by our nephew, Murray, who will soon boast a General Equivalency Diploma amongst his many attainments. Proceeds from these endeavors will enable us to pay premium rates on your deposit. Moreover, every new customer receives a complementary kazoo suitable for vigorously blowing your horn to envious friends as they see your statements with the fabulous returns accruing to your account. Depositors may withdraw funds at any time by making a request to FINDME. This should be a great comfort. It's how banks are run.

New Safety Net For Hedge Funds

Taking opportunity by the seat of the pants, Ming will clean up with his new adult diaper service for hedge funds short Dendreon. Their prime brokers loan them funds that result in leverage of ten or more times capital. Postulate these funds collectively have $500 million of capital, allowing them to have $5 billion worth of net positions. Now, the total short interest in Dendreon inclusive of on and off shore naked shorts is unknowable as is the degree that those positions are hedged. So just for exposition's sake assume their net exposure is being short 30 million shares at an average price of, say, $8 and change a share. Thats about $250 million or 5% of their collective portfolios. Sounds like reasonable exposure. But the binary event at Interim, if successful, could instantly transmute this $5 stock to a $20 market price. That's about a $360 million loss($20-$8 x 30 mil). That $360 million is a hit to capital, reducing $500 million to $140 million. At 10 to 1 leverage their $5 billion portfolio would have to be immediately liquidated by $3.6 billion to allow their $140million of capital to still carry $1.4 billion at 10 to 1 leverage, even if they were still being allowed that much leverage. These funds could implode and lucky Ming's adult diaper service would be there to catch the fallout. So just send your investment dollars to Ming with a short note saying that you understand there will soon be a mess in the shorts and you would like to use that opportunity to clean up and wiping away your losses in the end.

Mitch & Pals To Enjoy New Coverage

Mutual of the South Bronx Casualty & Indemnity, long renowned for insuring denizens of urban war zones, has now entered the field of battleground stocks. Ace underwriter, M. T. Merciless is prepared to offer Dendreon Management our full coverage policy. This includes, but is not limited to, prefabricated foxholes suitable for withstanding assaults by disgruntled shareholders. Razer-edged barbed wire is also available for home and office, guaranteed to impale truculent investors. Based on our survey of current employee activity, we also feel that insertion of motion detectors on site would be useful in detecting unauthorized intruders. Claymore mines judiciously placed in Company dumpsters should prove efficacious in discouraging shareholders reduced to this extremity to obtain information from the Company. We also offer a 10% premium rebate for senior management when wearing their pickelhaubes and flack jackets on site to foil untoward partnership offers hurled in their direction. Remember, going with Mutual of the South Bronx leaves you with all your options intact. Avoid the fuss and leave the shareholders to us.

The Dendreon Dieter's Delights

Inspired by celebrity endorsed commercials for frozen diet dinners delivered to your door, Ming decides to hop aboard this fast growing racket with a diet plan geared to the niche Dendreon shareholder market. Ming's Munchies will include confections such as Frozen Expectations meant to nurture you thoughout the weight loss regimen until Final results are achieved. Entrees include Pilaf a la Pazdur, a real piece of work, albeit more than a tad wormy that must be consumed with hatred. Another favorite is Shrimp Scher although the discriminating gourmet will find it both slippery and slimy. The Heated Hussain, prone to dyspepsia, is a dish best left to those with a strong stomach, although our Vinagerette von Eschenbach can cover up some very bad tasting results. All of the above can be served with humble pie and washed down with Goodman's gall, the champagne of crushed spirits. Swallowing all these unpalatable dishes will cause you to lose weight, if only in and around the wallet.

A Gracious Ming Aids Authorities In Their Inquiries

This is just a euphemism for them beating usual suspect Ming with a rubber hose so he'll admit to entering the local stationary store after hours. It seems whoever did this scratched off all lottery tickets looking for a winner. Between applications of memory enhancing rubber hose, Ming tries to explain it wasn't necessary for him to do that since his own lottery ticket, whimsically called Dendreon, makes that exercise unnecessary ever since they used O'Brien-Fleming to allocate Interim alpha. Under O'Brien-Fleming, interim trigger and interim alpha can be computed from one another. If you know one, you can compute the other. So postulating(don't postulate in mixed company or when children are present), that the Interim trigger is 228 events, then the alpha to be met is 0.019. Postulate the trigger to be 243 and the alpha rises to 0.024. Given how 9901 did, Ming likes his chances of winning this lottery. He will now slip into something more comfortable so he can leisurely postulate until he comes to a conclusion.

Ming Cheats Death

On his way to Sloan-Kettering with a custard pie in hand, Ming wants to see if "you know who's" bodyguards can earn their keep. He was passing a Jenny Craig meeting that just let out when suddenly, acres and acres of flesh began to descend on him and his custard pie like a bowl of jello with a gland condition. Thinking quickly, Ming made a lateral pie pass and booked on down the street. Unfortunately, the short arm of the law grabbed him for carrying a pie with malicious intent and inciting to riot. So the moral of the story is if you plan to heave the custard, then don't get busted.

The FDA Would Rather Say Ixnay Than Eureka

Archimedes may have immediately gotten some high fives for discovering how to measure the purity of gold but all that new cancer discoveries will get is a fifteen year Bataan Death March at the FDA. And its only that good if what they have won't spoil enrollment nor result in a higher standard of care that more pedestrian candidates for approval have to be measured against. All these people sponsoring praiseworthy attempts to raise funds for cancer research need to be made aware that their biggest impediment is not raising money, it's razing the FDA.

All Ming Thinks About Is Getting LAID

He can no longer even think about anything else. His mind is totally focused on this one obsession. Getting the Lowdown About Interim Decisions(LAID) has the lubricious Ming hyperventilating. Anything not having to do with Interim barely registers with the single minded Ming. Minor considerations such as eating, sleeping and personal hygiene are of no import. Should WWIII break out, his only concern would be how that affects Interim. Just yesterday, when asked by the authorities what he was doing as the dragged him from the Hanover facility's dumpster, he probably shouldn't have explained he was only trying to get LAID. Now in lockdown on what they euphemistically call "held for observation", it's harder than ever to get LAID.

Yo! Dick-Head! What Have You Been Smoking?

Ming's fears this polite, yet informal salutation to Dick-Head of Office of Oncology Drug Products, Richard Pazdur, does not strike the proper respectful tone. So he solicitously goes on to speculate if someone might have poured Evian water on Pazdur's cranium, since he's all wet and is Evian spelled backwards if he thinks we will forget his little Provenge peccadillo. In a 6/21/05 email response to a query on his position with regard to the medical uses of marijuana,the Dickster wrote;

[We believe physicians are the "key experts" in the medical marijuana debate because the issue is thought by many to be ultimately based on the medical value and risks of marijuana, and Physicians, with their training and clinical work, should (at least in theory) have the best knowledge of marijuana's medical value and risks.]. Too bad his opinion relying on physicians to evaluate risks and value doesn't also encompass Provenge. Then again, Big Pharma doesn't sell marijuana. When it comes to generating cogent reasons to not approve Provenge , Dick is limp.

Everyone Wants A Piece Of Ming

Hoping to ensure her financial well being after several career gaffs and having finally realized that after approval of Provenge, he stands to make the big bucks, Britney Spears astutely demanded custody of Ming today. Miss Spears' lawyers, playing to a packed courtroom, pointed to the drooling subject of their request, who, as luck would have it, chose that very moment to industriously explore his proboscis with his index finger. Claiming the doltish Ming was incompetent to manage his own affairs, they requested he be released to Miss Spears custody. Upon questioning by the court appointed referee, Mr. Merciless wasn't sure what year it was and when asked who the current president was, he was incredulous that his best guess, Rutherford B. Hayes, was incorrect. However, when queried as to why he thought himself able to be left to his own recognizance, he whimpered, "I got Dendreon". The Court ruled in his favor, citing that as evidence beyond a reasonable doubt that Mr. Merciless was not only compos mentis, but clearly, as will be proved in the fullness of time, also an astute investor as well. To which the grateful Ming replied, "It's potty time" as the Courtroom was quickly cleared.

A Bluff Response To Stevie's Bluff

Facing the guy waving a knife, the heroic Ming says he needs the exercise anyway as he assumes the Seven Star Stance of the Northern Shaolin school of the Praying Mantis. Ming knows that a knife is more dangerous than a gun, since, when blocking a thrust, it still cuts on retraction but he has to call the bluff or go down. This is also what the shorts are engaged in when pulling a knife on Dendreon. Bluffing is the art of earning with personal boldness some economic value that you were unable to earn with the objective assets at your disposal. Stevie, started out winning at poker and he's found that the hedge fund game is no different. That's why any intimation of positive news, announcements, et. al. is always checked and the stakes raised by selling. It's why the stock must appear to be a losing hand as the shorts appear to increase their attack as interim approaches. Through boldness they hope to preempt and overcome the objective validity of the trial's prospective results. The best defense is letting the enemy understand that no matter what happens, he's going to be hurt in the process. Bluffing only works when the opponent doesn't take a stance and call your play. Hey Stevie, feeling lucky, punk?

Vice-President Ming, Just A Heart Beat Away

That's the slogan each party plans to go with as they each beg Ming to accept the vice-presidential nomination of the other party. Let it be written into the record that candidate Ming has big plans should his inclusion on the ticket result in a landslide victory. It will then become mandatory for all government employees to wear Provenge Now tee shirts. Big changes will be made at the FDA involving blindfolds and last cigarettes. No member of Congress will be allowed to have verbal intercourse with anyone not residing in their District for ten years. All other intercourse must be televised for their constituents' delectation. No member of Congress will be allowed to own the financial instruments of any company anywhere on the Globe except, of course, for Dendreon. Anytime Vice-President Ming goes hunting he gets to shoot anyone he wants, just like his predecessor.

Cast Not The First Stone Unless Its At The FDA

While the Investor Village Dendreon Board solves any and all economic, political and religious controversies, poor Ming is still working on properly tying his shoelaces so there's one less thing to trip him up when investing in Dendreon. Besides, he can't keep attending the opera in slippers. People stare. That's why, when he's not agonizing over his aglets, he's careful to avoid more close scrutiny by strictly adhering to all biblical injunctions, however outre they may seem. So it's most unfair that people still stare when Ming walks down the street loudly reciting the multiplication tables. After all, Genesis 1:28 clearly says to go forth and multiply. The bag of rocks Ming always drags along also receives it's share of stares. But Ming figures what with Leviticus handing out a nice stoning for all sorts of infractions, it pays to be ready when it's the FDA's turn for having had it's way with Dendreon, in the biblical sense.

A Merciless Family Function

"Insect", sneered cousin Hu. "Rodent", cried nephew Lu. "Strangle him", snarled saintly aunt Su. "But that's how its supposed to work"' sniveled a beleaguered Ming as he backed into a corner. "The effect of all positive news on the share price must be promptly crushed. All hope must be lost. Retail must be reduced to despair. Only when capitulation occurs can the price be allowed to rise. Retail is born to buy high, sell low and buy high yet again. This is how Wall Street trading desks and hedge funds make money", intoned Ming as he begged his dysfunctional family to hold on.Only reluctantly does granduncle Fong put away the bamboo splints and grudgingly allow the lowly Ming to continue to pollute the Family gene pool at least until interim.