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Ming Solves Credit Default Swap Problem

Have too many credit default swaps? Do they threaten to put your overendowed hinney into bankruptcy? Ming has the answer. Just wrap them in a nice box with a ribbon around it and leave it on the subway. Then, some other greedy clod will filch it and it becomes their problem. Ming does this all the time with his worn unmentionables. Presumably, this could also solve the nuclear waste disposal issue that has thwarted further expansion of nuclear power. Why is it always up to Ming to come up with these dandy solutions?

Ming Shocks An Incredulous Al Gore

Ming is forced to confess that he causes global warming. Yes, its true. Ming is still burning up over the Provenge debacle caused by the heartless, mindless minions of the FDA that have suborned good science and common sense when issuing their complete response letter. Ming will continue to melt every ice cap out there, making it hot for the FDA and its enablers in the NCI and their dupes, Howie, Maha, the Flemster and the basement dwelling leeches that put out that National Enquirer of Cancer. Turn up the heat. Roast the miscreants. Shine the hot light of truth on these turds. Make it even hotter until their tiny little careers are toast. The penguins will just have to look out for themselves.

Boat For Sale

Granduncle Fong has become less active in his golden years and now wishes to scale back his activities. To that end, he offers for sale his Sampan, used only on Sundays in the Strait of Malacca, for boarding unwary commercial vessels. This can be a real money maker for the right purchaser. Ming would hope that some hedge fund manager would find this to be a complementary adjunct to his current endeavors. A generous Fong indicates that he's willing to throw in, at no additional cost, a perfectly utile Jolly Roger and several rusty cutlasses.

An Open Letter To Iran's President

Dear Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Ming has your number. You guys have been making trouble since Xerxes started to throw his weight around. At least he was considerate enough to have a name that could be pronounced without expectorating. Ming now understands your plot to insidiously save a fortune by not wearing neckties and eschewing shaving to avoid the scandalous cost of razor blades. Then you callously use those savings to build nuclear reactors. Ming also personally denounces you for running the meter on that cab ride last night when you were moonlighting during your U.N. visit. Once the cab stopped you were supposed to flip the flag but, oh no, not you, Moe. Once again, swell upstanding Americans like Ming are being taken for a ride and overcharged, be it for oil or for cabfare from Madame Fatima's House of the 78 Virgins. A vengeful Ming's plan is to now break your economy by smuggling into Tehran overpriced designer neckties, setting off a fashion binge of conspicuous consumption that, just like us, will bring you to your knees. Besides, they weren't virgins.

Ming Heads For The Metaphorical Hills

Posters on sundry messages boards now advocate stocking up on a three months supply of food and ammunition in response to the current economic uncertainty and the concomitant possibility of social disruption. Since the most disruption Ming can stand is when the cable goes out for five minutes, he thinks it's good advice to take preventive action. Six cases of Cheese Doodles, twelve packs of Twinkies and a jar of creamed herring later, Ming figures he has everything covered. He even bought several boxes of ammunition, but isn't sure how that will help, since he doesn't have a gun. Maybe if he throws away the ammo and puts the empty boxes on the porch, everyone will think he's armed to the teeth. Thank goodness he had the foresight to dig that trench in the front yard, fill it with pungi sticks and put camouflage over it. Now Ming wonders when the Post Office is going to start missing their mailman.

Revolutionary Tax Revenue Plan Unveiled

In the fullness of time, Dendreon shareholders, if no one else in these parlous times, will rack up huge tax liabilities as they realize profits on their investment. Yet, suppose they chose not to pay? The Government's dirty little secret is that most taxes in arrears are never paid. Even now, billions go uncollected. What's a desperate Government to do? Merciless Indemnity has the answer. For a modest fee equal to the uncollected interest and penalties inuring to the Government on that debt, it will insure said Government against such loss and guarantee to make it whole. Our founder, Mr.Ming T.Merciless stands behind this guarantee and swears his company is in a position to make good on all such losses. For further information, the Treasury Department need only call Little Augie's Candy Store, The Bronx, N.Y.C. and ask for Shifty, an unfortunate appellation by which Ming is known in the neighborhood. Hey! It worked for all those collateralized debt obligations Wall Street created and they pulled out some very big bucks before it all imploded and they're all still walking around. Besides Ming is no more shifty than they are. Call right now and receive a complementary crying towel.

The Fix Is Always In

Just when Ming is closing in rapidly on his Dendreon millions, stupid scientists throws a banana peel in his path. The European Organization for Nuclear Research has a 17 mile tunnel under the Swiss-French border in which something called the Large Hadron Collider is used to smash atoms. This will create black holes which will not only suck up Ming's prospective profits faster than his bad habits but even poor Ming himself. The shorts are clearly behind this fiendish plot to deprive poor Ming of his rightful place in the world. Wasn't it bad enough that Ming, son of Anastasia and her Chinese houseboy little Wang can't assume his title as Czarevitch of all the Russias because he insists on spelling it Tsarevitch? Now these molesters of innocent atoms are going to screw(technical financial term) him out of this as well. Sic transit gloria mundi.

Never Let A Granduncle Watch CNBC

The venerable old duck egg was spouting questions all day long. "Why is the living God Buffet only allowed to communicate through the Becky person?" "Why do the Erin and the Cramer talk at the same time and not even in Mandarin?" "Why is the short man everyone speaks of naked and why is he allowed on the Street?" "Who is this Cox sucker that takes the blame for everything?" "Why are so many trollops allowed to flaunt their wares on the CNBC when they must know this is bad for Fong's blood pressure?" "Where are my teeth?" "How can I gum these undercooked noodles?" "Why must you taint the family gene pool and why didn't I step on you ninety years ago?" Maybe Ming should encourage Granduncle Fong to cross more streets that enjoy heavy traffic.

Poor Ming Develops New Neurosis

Ming has now developed the fear of being insulted in German. It's gotten so that Ming doesn't dare swill beer at his local ratskeller while wearing lederhosen. It's all because he keeps seeing that commercial where some snide ingrate who just glommed a free meal denigrates his host by contending in low German that his host is using a kindergarten card. Then all the other spongers laugh and decide in German that it's embarrassing. Who knows what they might say when in Ming's company? Ming could easily be arrested for stuffing their glockenspiels where the sun don't shine. Maybe Ming should just cut down on watching T.V.

Ming's Broker Turns The Knife On Dendreon

"Milquetoast", shouted Granduncle Fong. "May our ancestors bestow quadruple hernias on your unworthy carcass". Clutching those very same hernias, while avoiding blows from Fong's cane, Ming manfully drags the chest of bronze coin money from the family crypt. "Oh, to be ninety again and not have to depend on weakling grandnephews" intoned the venerable, old crackpot. There are several varieties of knife money in use from the 6th century B.C. in the Yellow River Valley and beyond. The most common is named Ming money and the appropriately eponymous Ming drags the chest up into Pell Street, through Chatham Square, across Park Row, down Broadway and into his Broker's office only to learn this is no longer legal tender in a Country where mere blips on a computer screen is fobbed off as money. May the same two thousand tenacious tumescences torture the trunks of all those who would impede the fortunes of Dendreon and it's investors. Meanwhile knife money no longer cuts it.

Poor Ming Has Gas

The Government must help poor Ming who suffers from Greed, Avarice and Stupidity(GAS). They help odious investment bankers and Quasi-Governmental Agencies with bailout guarantees. They rescue hedge funds with easy money policies. People who should consider themselves lucky to live in a furnished room now have McMansions whose mortgage interest will be capped, abated or extended. All Americans won the lottery in May with a free money payment by the Government. Ming swears he's as greedy, avaricious and stupid as any of the above idiots. He demands the Government reimburse him for his losses in Dendreon which were caused by one it's own dysfunctional and perhaps venal agencies. If not, Barrister Ming will bring suit under the doctrine of gross negligence equals constructive fraud. Just like everyone else, Ming deserves to be patted on the back and burped by his government. Poor Ming has GAS.

Ming Goes On The Prowl

Resplendent in his Nehru jacket replete with day-glo tie, a spiffy Ming is sitting at a pickup bar when some woman comes up and boldly says "I've had my eye on you and I really want to get my hands on those nuts of yours". Man of the world Ming suavely spews spittle and hyperventilates while she then goes on to upbraid him for hoarding the complementary bowl of peanuts all evening. This is not unlike his trying to get lucky with Dendreon. Ming only hopes he doesn't wind up with peanuts there too. Maybe he should change to a different pheromone.

Got A Message You Need To Send? The Merciless Agency Is Your Friend

The people who brought you that timely jingle,"Big Brown finishes up the track while Federal Express has got your back" now suggests small biotechs chip-in to obtain our august services in discrediting it's nemesis. "Hoping the FDA gives the nod will sooner see you in the sod". "Giving the FDA it's head means deserving patients will first be dead". "When Pazdur says,"patients first" it's almost enough to make you burst". All worshipful biotech CEOs can contact the Merciless Agency by leaving messages at Tough Tony's Candy Store, the Bronx, NYC. Should Vito the Enforcer answer, you don't know nothing especially where to find Ming.

Free Enemas

You heard right. The Merciless Foundation For Better Medicine is now offering free enemas to all FDA personnel. It's time we cleaned the crap out of the FDA. The Foundation's Director Mr. Ming T. Merciless has generously volunteered to administer the colonic with his patented constipation cure made with genuine battery acid lovingly scraped from the terminals of batteries abandoned on the byways of the Bronx. Should the FDA not heed this clarion call for reform, the Foundation is prepared to authorize it's director to apply hand drills to clean the crud out of their ears so that new and better therapeutics can finally surmount the FDA's reactionary efforts to thwart anything new and innovative.

Ming's Prospects Are Mushrooming

New career vistas open up for the enterprising Ming now that the Northeast has had a wet summer. Mushrooms abound in New York and New England with hikers now needing someone to vet their finds. Tasting mushrooms for toxicity is child's play compared to the dangers Ming has survived investing in Dendreon. If Ming lasted this long without puking up his position in Dendreon, the stray poisonous mushroom holds no fears for Ming. If the toxic securities market hasn't done him in, then nothing can, although that purple one with white spots would probably be better served as a garnish in the salad bowl at the FDA cafeteria.

Entrepreneur Ming To Make Fortune

Watching stupid T.V. commercials will soon pay off bigtime for the enterprising Ming. He plans to corner the market on old fashioned clawfoot bathtubs. Then anyone with a drooping dong wanting to have sex will have to come crawling to Ming. This epiphany came to the observant Ming when watching Cialis commercials. After taking some pill to stimulate a weary wang everyone then climbs into separate clawfoot bathtubs and looks at the sunset. Ming is not quite sure what this does for them but is willing to turn a quick buck if that's what floats their rubber duckie.

Please Form Words Slowly And Clearly in Seattle

Ming submitted requirements for ideal paramour to online dating service. Must be font of knowledge on Dendreon. Must be willing to share such knowledge with Ming. Preferably holds position in Dendreon I.R. department. An effusive Ming is prepared to start courtship with flowers.(Tip for thrifty Blog readers; Follow any funeral cortege to destination to make nice selection but to avoid unfortunate misunderstandings, be sure to remove R.I.P. ribbons before presenting bouquet). Until the dating service can locate such a gem, he's doomed to decipher committee generated gibberish regurgitated by Dendreon I.R unless that lip reader with a telescope Ming hired in Seattle actually comes through with something.

As Usual, Ming Has To Think Of Everything

Time to drag Mitch kicking and screaming into the 21st century. Sixty second spot commercials with dancing girls. Paid celebrity endorsements. Hour long infomercials. Create a buzz. Have Mitch streak across the field during televised sports events with "Dendreon Rules; The FDA Are Fools" painted on his ample posterior. T.V. viewers are already satiated with Popiel Pocket Fishermen,(the weak minded Ming has several). It's time people were told to buy more Dendreon. You can't win it if you're not in it.

This Is Balderdash

Strong words, Ming knows, but the IV Board takes three minutes to bring up a post and since poor Ming can't sign in , he also can't give them a piece of his mind. This is probably just as well, since what with Interim fast approaching, Ming doesn't have too many pieces left to throw around. One also wonders why they've attempted no explanations for the dilatory performance of their site. Maybe they can't post either.

Festina Lente

Stupid Romans. That "make haste slowly" remark would never have gotten such currency back then if they tried using the IV Board. Now poor Ming has massive dental bills as he grinds his teeth into nubbins trying to make the Dendreon Board cough up the few posts that made it through the maze. Ming suspects the worst. Horrible hedge fund whores are clearly crashing the site in an attempt to destroy Ming's ability to post prattle. Then again, if a meteor struck earth, Ming would suspect that too was the work of the hedgies intent on doing everything possible to delay Provenge approval.

They Keep Toying With Poor Ming

They are trying to bring Ming to his knees. Sometimes the IV Board lets Ming bring up the sign-in page but doesn't let him sign in. Sometimes they let him on the DNDN page but won't let him read the posts. Other times he can't even get that far. Consumer advocate Ming would institute a petition demanding refunds were it not that IV insidiously provides everything for free. Ever since Ming gamed the algorithm by heading a post "naked chorus girls" we've at least enjoyed a woman clad in a swimsuit adjacent to the posts. What's the algorithm going to think when Ming isn't there to post provocative suggestions? All it's going to see are a few posts complaining that we're having a hard time downloading. We'll probably be stuck with stool softener adds for days.

A Contrite Ming Rectifies Misunderstanding

Two posts ago Ming posed the rhetorical question," Did Ming ever tell you about that half eaten taco he found in that dumpster that looked just like Mitch?" Since he already ate it, you'll just have to accept Ming's word on that. However, sitting here knitting antimacassars waiting for Investor Village to get well, Ming ruminated on that sentence, which he now sheepishly realizes needs clarification. It's not that Mitch looks like a dumpster but rather like a half eaten taco. Ming can only hope this clarification is published in time to preclude Mitch from having recourse to the Courts so as to sue the impecunious Ming for defamation. Did Ming mention he is impecunious and thus judgment proof? Good. A word to the litigious is sufficient.

No One Silences Ming

Was that Stevie that Ming saw at Investor Village headquarters walking through the computer room waving something magnetic. One can be sure it wasn't his personality. Now Ming can no longer access the Dendreon Board. This ranks right up there with the Hindenburg disaster. Fortunately, Ming still has his blog to disseminate mindless blather and pointless drivel. Why should the world be denied Ming's twaddle? Heaven forfend his blog goes blooey. He doesn't have enough crayons to write on all the restroom walls that deserve his ministrations.

Mitch Gives Ming A Sign

Only this morning, Ming opened his mail and found he was preapproved for a Gold Card. What could be more clear? Mitch Gold is really a card. Imagine how clever he was to disguise his message that we are now in preapproval mode in a bulk mailing. The clincher was this is all Ming's for the asking at a generous 25% interest rate if he responds by October. Obviously this is Mitch's sub rosa way of flagging the stock price so if Ming loads up by October he should achieve $25 a share. If only the voices were as clear. On May 8th of last year they told Ming he was in for a ride. Or maybe they said he was to be taken for a ride. Too bad Ming's tinfoil hat was in the shop for repairs that week otherwise things would have been so much more clear back then. Did Ming ever tell you about that half eaten taco he found in that dumpster that looks just like Mitch? Why are you backing away like that?

A Recipe For Recidivists

Ming's childhood chum, Fu E. Lon, known to his pals as F.E.LON just got out of stir on a well publicized securities rap and needs advice on burnishing and redeeming his public image. The devious Ming suggests he glom onto a high profile disease and champion it's cure. This is done all the time by Hollywood has beens to stay in the limelight. After all, who would denigrate anyone fighting a life threatening disease on behalf of it's victims. If done with sufficient publicity a F.E.LON might even have a special Presidential Board of Directors populated by all former U.S. Presidents who also find merit in being shown to be against a killer disease. Your charitable efforts might even earn you photo opps with the sitting President and his agency heads. "All very nice avers F.E.LON but it doesn't pay the rent"." Not so", says the exasperated Ming. Use your role in handing out research grants to get the inside track on promising palliatives. Then form a company to invest in them. After all, even if you're barred from the securities industry, you still have the right to invest your own funds. In fact, should you contribute some of those profits for a Presidential Library or some such partisan boondoggle, you might even earn a Presidential pardon, thus redeeming you in the eyes of society. Why hasn't anyone ever thought of doing this?

Ming Awards Olympics A Bronze Medal At Best

Notice how irrelevant the trials were. Events such as discus throwing, luge, pole vaulting etc. do not resonate with modern lifestyles. Ming advocates events in turnstile jumping, competitive taxi cab hailing, freestyle nose picking, intermural government agency denouncing and of course, marathon message board reading. Ming's personal favorite would be obnoxious name calling and insult hurling. Although poor Ming would have to recuse himself from participation. As a native New Yorker he long ago lost amateur status and now possesses an unfair advantage.