Ming Is Scandalized

Watching television, Ming keeps seeing commercials for a local New York bank that threatens to treat you like family. Ming will be damned before he lets some bank go through his pants pockets while he sleeps. They also had better not have the temerity to denigrate poor Ming like his family takes such exquisite pleasure in doing. And if they think Ming is going to their house this year, just to sit at the kiddie table for Thanksgiving, he'll just make it a point to deposit his money elsewhere.

Ming Is In The Chips

Investors are always talking about how they're in solar, natural gas, clean energy etc. Well, Ming is proud to say he's up to his neck in dried yak fece. The euphemism is chips.
Since time immemorial, nomads in Central Asia and North America have used yak and buffalo chips respectively, as biofuel. This is the future in a fuel challenged world. Ming notes that supermarkets sell firewood in modest bundles for fireplaces. Why not instead take some crap from Ming?
Contact Ming today and he'll see to it that there's a load of crap on your doorstep tomorrow. Remember, no matter the weather, you can always depend on Ming to be full of crap.

Ming Saw The Handwriting On The Wall

"For a good time call Honey Galore at ..." No, Ming is confused. That was another wall altogether. Some time ago, when his self directed IRA investments were at their nadir, he took the tax hit, sans penalties, and closed them out. Not only did this save taxation at ordinary income rates on future appreciation while minimizing the present exaction on closure, but freed him from the vagaries of a capricious government.
The thought was that in the fullness of time, our glorious, but grasping government would either decree that social security would be limited to only the improvident who had no such fallbacks and/or some new exaction would be imposed on these accounts that now enjoy a tax benefit.
The prescient Ming now sees a trial balloon being floated to fold all such accounts into some government run fiasco. It gets worse. The technology now exists that can literally read the money in your pocket as you pass through a device used in airports. But no matter. As more people opt out and flee to the cash based economy, Ming speculates that the currency will be recalled and some card showing how much you possess will be issued in it's stead to track all your receipts and expenditures.
Now, just like poor Supreme Court Justice, Clarence Thomas, caught using his credit card, all the porno you buy will be there for the government to see. They may even choose to restrict the amount of Cheese Doodles you are allowed to purchase and consume while watching your precious porno to cut down on Medicare payments.
You laugh at poor Ming's concerns, but he sees the handwriting on the wall. Now if only he can decipher that phone number, he might also get to see Honey Galore before the government takes that away too.

Vote For Ming

Only Ming has the connections to get the country out of it's economic malaise. President Ming would sit down with Premier Wen Jiabao and Central Bank Governor Zhou Xiaochuan over hot bowls of bird's nest soup and hammer out a reciprocal barter trade agreement. They send us a lifetime supply of chinese back scratchers and finger puzzles and we send them a lifetime supply of hedge fund wannabees and sundry Wall Street unemployables for work in the People's salt mines. You scratch our back and we scratch these losers from screwing up the economy. Win Win.

Moe Falls Ill.

Ahmadinejad is reported to have fallen ill from overwork. This may mean he has to give up the lucrative night shift working his gypsy cab in Manhattan and the Bronx. Couple that with the price of oil tanking, and poor Moe may, like Blanche DuBoise, have to rely on the kindness of strangers. Of course, those of us such as Ming, with a more conspiratorial bent might speculate that someone put ground glass in his Ovaltine. In that case, it should all clearly work out in the end.

Ming Plans To Clean Up

As soon as he can find a nice storefront for rent on Wall Street, Ming plans to open a dry cleaners. He stands to make a fortune dry cleaning the suits of all the hedge fund operators who are puking up their positions. It will only get worse as their investors scramble after year end to bail out after the next 90 day quarterly waiting period that many funds require before they give back what's left. All that deleveraging in a declining market only exacerbates the losses. All this will be punctuated by short and violent upswings which are the hallmark of a secular bear market. They will gut the greedy grabbers of the proverbial falling knife. Ming will hold his Dendreon since it's fate is tied to an event exogenous to the Market's machinations.

Ming Heroically Defends The Fourth Estate

Ming must protest allegations that the media is biased in their reporting on the presidential election. Our media stands above reproach. Ming encourages all his blog readers to disregard those cranks who protested when Governor Palin was seen to walk on water whilst the media quite properly intimated that the good Governor in all likelihood was showing a clear inability to swim with the tide.

International Merciless Outperforms

Note all the corporations whose pensions are severely underfunded now that the market has tanked reducing the value of those pensions' holdings. It will take them years of hits to their bottom line for their pension contributions to catch up to their obligations even if they freeze their plans.
Not so with International Merciless which is rock solid. Remember Chairman Ming's motto, "The hand that cradles the rock, rules the world". International Merciless has prudently put aside a sack of rice for each employee in a dry place. Comes their retirement, that rice will have developed protein rich maggots to tide them over in their golden years. Who dares say Ming is not magnanimous? Remember, Ming has some set of rocks.

You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up

"Investigators probing the death of a 34-year-old former Mount Vernon resident who was struck by a train Oct. 1 have not determined if it was a suicide or foul play." One little detail brought out in the news article was that he was handcuffed at the time. Ming would hope that these investigators find future employ at the FDA where they would fit right in given their ability to make common sense decisions.

Ming Could Do This Too

Ming demands his own Noble Prize. Read this quote explaining the twaddle that Paul Krugman spouted to earn this year's Noble Prize in Economics.
"In his model, many companies sell similar goods with slight variations. These companies get more efficient at producing their goods as they sell more, and so they grow. Consumers like variety, and pick and choose goods from among these producers in different countries, enabling countries to continue exchanging similar products. So some Americans buy Volkswagens and some Germans buy Fords.He developed this work further to explain the effect of transportation costs on why people live where they live. His model explained under what conditions trade would lead people or companies to move to a particular region or to move away."
Cough up Ming's own prize since he already figured out that people buy what they like and that people move to where the jobs are and the greater the cost of transportation, the nearer to those jobs will they move.
What did this clod do? Did he reduce these banalities to an equation? Did he dress them up in prolix prose? How does Ming get in on this scam?
Maybe Mao had it right. Move all these intellectuals to the farm and let them crop cotton and pull sugar beets out of the ground. Once they soil their delicate dainties, they can do something that's actually useful while Ming can then have a clear field both figuratively and literally to pontificate platitudes such as "people like money and can be persuaded to do unpleasant things to get some". That profound insight should be worth some kind of prize.

Ming Sought In Hit And Run Incident

Poor Ming has to lie low until this all blows over and avoid department stores altogether. Ming noticed that salesgirls at perfume counters are wont to spray people at the slightest provocation and then ask if those people then think they smell good. Yet, when trying to return the favor by determining if the salesgirls also smell good, Ming learned that apparently, scratch and sniff opportunities are meant to be confined to magazine inserts only. Salesgirls seem to actually take umbrage when patrons avail themselves of that procedure on their very own persons. How very curious. Then they hit and Ming runs. That's a hell of a way to treat the Master of the Universe.

Detente Still Possible For Ming

Ming notices that as the Dendreon debacle devolves daily toward denouement, Ming spends more time talking to himself. So far so good. What worries the fretful Ming is the repercussions that could result when he starts disagreeing with himself. Never one to tolerate the opinions of others, Ming can only guess his reaction when he begins questioning his own conclusions. While it's true one should not believe everything one thinks, unless Ming quickly arrives at detente he could easily find himself rolling around on the ground trying to choke the life out of himself for holding opinions that he might not agree with. It's hard to be diplomatic when you're dealing with a nut job.

Ming Is Not Impressed

That line-up of scrofulous miscreants at the G-7 meeting does not inspire confidence. Ming has seen a better looking crowd on the subway at 3:00A.M. or in police lineups. Although it's always hard to get a good look at everyone else when you're concentrating on looking innocent yourself.
If the World expects something great from that collection of dull eyed dumbbells, there is going to be much disappointment on Wall Street next week.
Whoever is hosting that crowd would do well to count the silverware. Ming only hopes Paulson doesn't embarrass himself by getting caught going through the couch cushions afterward trying to fund the next baiout.

Ming Capitalizes On Wall Street Woes

Ever alert connoisseur of the fast buck Ming, spent his day locating an office rental on Pine Street, just off Wall Street that had those old fashioned large windows that manually open. That and a take a ticket dispenser and Ming is ready for tomorrow's Stock Market open. He'll wear a sandwich board advertising his new service. "Defenestrate at Ming's" "Little if any waiting." "Hedge Fund operators given first preference." "Defenestrate from any of our three windows with their lovely view tastefully located just off Wall for your jumping convenience." They should fall head over heels for Ming's new service. Ming's nephew, the little Mingster will rent hard hats to pedestrians below. Synergism is everything in a service business.

Ming Agrees To Bail Out Banks

For a modest 20% stake in every financial institution now on the skids, Ming will issue his personal guarantee to infuse genuine Ming Money as needed. That miserable old Davidson press in the basement needs a new gripper bar but as soon as Ming replaces it and someone fronts the paper and ink he's ready to honor all obligations. Besides Ming Money has it's eponymous creator's grinning countenance suggestively leering at you on every bill, so much better than a bunch of dead guys, some of whom weren't even presidents. And how much different is that than what's now being proposed other than with Ming's proposal, at least Joe Taxpayer wouldn't be on the hook?

Circumstantial Evidence Exists

The fact that 28 year old Holly Madison has broken up with 82 year old Hugh Hefner is circumstantial evidence that Hefner is still alive. A picture has surfaced showing the ingenue and the geriatric holding hands or maybe she's just trying to hold him up. "Who's going to gum my oatmeal for me now that she's gone" wailed the petulant playboy. And you think you have problems. It's not easy being a stud especially when you forget where you left your dentures, hearing aid and walker. Besides intercourse could prove fatal, but if she dies, she dies.

Ming Develops Droopwing

All the peregrinations of Dendreon stock since the release of interim results for Provenge has a very nervous Ming gnawing on the furniture. This results in his suffering the effects of pica when he ingests the lead paint on said furniture. His research indicates that birds who eat paint flecks that are lead based develop droopwing. Since everyone agrees poor Ming is an odd bird of the first order, he now has more than the price of Dendreon to worry about. Ming's only hope is that he doesn't start to moult.

Ming Applies For Patent

Once again, Ming is ready to make a fortune with his latest innovation. Windshield wipers for television sets will sweep the Nation during the forthcoming presidential debates. Now when you dash up to the set to spit on your candidate's opponent, all you need do is activate the wipers when it's your own glorious selection's turn. For those intent on being both right and politically astute, a free bumper sticker will come with each purchase inscribed, "I Backed The Winner In This Year's Election". Ming learned his lesson to stick with generic bumper stickers. He's still stuck with a truckload of "Win With Wilkie" stickers. Ming was sure Wendell was a shoe-in that time.

Ming May Move To Alaska

Thumbnail biographies of Sara Palin and everything she's been doing in Alaska are on the T.V. which has peeked Ming's interest, so much so, that he now wants a piece of the action. Move to the Alaskan great outdoors. Maybe even bump off a moose now and then, although city boy Ming, isn't really sure how this is done. Presumably you gain the moose's confidence, tell him we're going for pizza, then once he's in the car, plant a couple of twenty-twos behind his ear. At least that's how it's done in the Bronx, but maybe in Alaska their technique differs. There's a lot of questions Ming still has before making the move. Do they have good water bagels? Is there a subway? Do they get a good crust on their Italian bread or do you really need to use New York water? Does every neighborhood have a bocce ball court? Ming could be subject to culture shock. Maybe he could even get runned over during one of those salmon runs. So much to consider.

Don't Try To Fool Our Canny Government Officials

Ming has to ask, how can anyone say the minions of our Government at all levels aren't right on top of their game? Witness this direct quote from an alert law enforcement official from the County immediately adjacent to the Bronx. "It appears to be a body or parts of a body found in a suitcase, so we are treating it as a homicide at this time," says Capt. Thomas Gleason, of the Westchester County Police Department. Sherlock Holmes, were he real, would be green with envy at this deductive reasoning, albeit the "it appears" and the "at this time" parts do allow for some backpedaling should that eventually prove necessary to avoid embarressment. Still, why hasn't the SEC grabbed this Gleason fellow capable of such heights of deduction and tasked him with heading up their own laggardly Enforcement Division? Unfortunately, under the aegis of SEC Commissioner Cox, this incident would first have generated a study with six month comment period as to the possibility that a would be suicide first maliciously stuffed himself into a suitcase thereby proving that no one should be charged with murder and no further inquiries were warranted.

Fong Puts Ming's Feet To The Fire, Literally

The venerable old sorehead blames Ming's visionary ideas for all the Tong's loses. The cow slaughtering plant in India. The string of pork stores in Saudi Arabia. Even the perfectly reasonable non alcoholic juice bars in Ireland. Now the vindictive Fong screams how Ming is responsible for losing in the stock market precious Tong squeeze money from the fan tan parlors under our protection. Meanwhile, his overeager threat men gleefully toast Ming's tootsies. Only Dendreon can now redeem Ming's misery. Hopefully, this will occur before sundry other of Ming's appendages suffer such indignities.

Nationwide Geezer Infarction Epidemic Noted

Ever since CNBC realized that Viagra chomping geriatric retirees will watch an endless stream of commercials if only the Network inserts patently vapid, but curvaceous cuties on screen, ratings, amongst other things, have gone up. After all, who wants to look at Ron Insana, Ted David or Tyler Matheson anyway? Unfortunately, even though they no longer remember why, said geezers become overstimulated by such viewing. This raises their already elevated blood pressure, leading to an epidemic of geezer infarctions, nationwide. Save the geezers. Ming begs CNBC to at least limit those chest shots of Michele Caruso-Cabrera.