The Right Rookie Is Worth The Money

Taking his Mickey Mantle rookie card to Wei Cheit Yu, the pawnbrokers, Ming hopes to invest the proceeds in Dendreon, then redeem his card with the profits. "How can I lend for such collateral?", sneers Wei. "Who is Mickey Mantle?", shouts Mrs. Wei. "This card is not in collectible condition", screams Wei. "That wasn't even his rookie year." trumpets Mrs. Wei. After all agree Ming is taking bread out of their mouths,a deal is struck but it would have been even easier getting Provenge approved had Dendreon been clever enough to get the well connected Howard Scher to lead the Impact trial.

Icing Howie's Cake

One of the Keebler elves has filed a cause of action against Howie claiming alienation of infections for promising he would allow him to get fudge on his cookie while with malice aforethought, Howie instead chose to wantonly roll in the dough with the Pillsbury doughboy while scuttling Provenge. Little Debbie, Howie's very own cream cake has now gone stale on their relationship and will no longer allow him to lick her bowl.Meanwhile, his betrothed, Charlotte Ruse, one of many ruses with which Howie is engaged, promises to cream him if caught. Perhaps Howie has too many pies in the oven and this could result in his getting burnt.

O. J. Denies Any Involvement

An abortive attempt was made today to pilfer the renowned Howard Scher collection of Provenge memorabilia. Fortunately, the much coveted tape of missing minutes on the Panel's safety vote was not taken. Nor was the E-mail correspondence with Alison Martin explaining technical input to Howard for inclusion in his letter. The still hermetically sealed bottle of Nyquil not used during the famous sleepless night is also still on display as is the famous "schmendrick" letter to Howard dated March 29th from certain interested parties. The May 9th, "All is forgiven" letter and the "schmendrick #2" letter following the Asenter fiasco are also intact. Interrupted by security guards, the putative thief was heard to mutter expletives thought to be in the Henan dialect of Mandarin as he left via a window left ajar. One can only hope this valuable collection will one day find its way into the National Archive.

Ming Sounds The Clarion Call

Comes the Revolution, Comrade Ming will fearlessly mount the barricades, (despite his acrophobia), and lead the masses to victory over the FDA, unless he could get hurt if there's shooting or its raining and he forgets his galoshes. Meantime, those more hardy than the sniveling Ming must consider the advantages of civil disobedience. Letting chimps loose in lab coats could bring the FDA to its knees, as they vainly try to determine who their real team leaders are. But that may just be last night's kielbasa, sauerkraut and chocolate ice cream talking so Ming reluctantly withdraws the suggestion. Meanwhile, encouraging anyone you're even remotely acquainted with, to attend the upcoming protests is the way to go. Torches and pitchforks optional.

The FDA Has A Lot To Answer For

Had they approved Provenge, Ming would even now be smoking expensive cigars, if only to be seen lighting them with $100 bills. He would now be functioning in a more rarefied social setting, getting rejected by a better class of women and being blackballed from all the better country clubs. Instead he's stuck rubbing shoulders with all the louts willing to associate with an impecunious wannabe like him. How can poor Ming bring himself interact with people that show such impaired judgment?

Ming Demands The Government Burp Him

The Government must help poor Ming who suffers from Greed, Avarice and Stupidity(GAS). They help odious investment bankers with bailout guarantees. They rescue hedge funds with easy money policies. People who should consider themselves lucky to live in a furnished room now have houses whose mortgage interest will be capped, abated or extended. All Americans will win the lottery this week with a free money payment by the Government. Ming swears he's as greedy, avaricious and stupid as any of the above idiots. He demands the Government reimburse him for his losses in Dendreon which were caused by one it's own dysfunctional and perhaps venal agencies. If not, Barrister Ming will bring suit under the doctrine of gross negligence equals constructive fraud. Just like everyone else, Ming deserves to be patted on the back and burped by his government. Ming has GAS.

Ming Offers New Hope For Screwballs

Has your investment in Dendreon made you feel helpless and not in control? Are people staring at you in the street as they see you talking to yourself while mumbling Scher, Hussein, Pazdur and other such obscenities? Ming Industries can help. From the same people that brought you sew-on designer labels, we now present you with designer cell phone cases, sans phone. Proudly hold this handsome case to your ear as you wander the streets, buses and subways cursing Dendreon's enemies. Everyone will think you're just another annoying bastard on the phone with no regard for others. Only you will know you're really a frustrated Dendreon investor driven to distraction by the crap being pulled on your beloved Dendreon. Order today and receive a free plastic pistol grip suitable for insertion in your waistband. This should serve to deflect any attempts at protest should you choose to stick your fist through nearby windows when contemplating how much money you would now have, had Provenge been approved by the FDA in a more just world than this one.

The Difference between G-d And Pazdur

G-d doesn't think he's Pazdur. This observation causes Ming to look into the messianic complex by consulting with old neighborhood chum, the renowned Dr. Vinny Umbatz author of "You're Alright, But I'm Umbatz", the ripoff of Games People Play authored in 1964 by Dr. Eric Berne M.D.. Ambitious people in positions of power over the commonality who attain specialized knowledge develop a certain elitism that transcends mere narcissism says the saintly Umbatz whose nimbus kept flickering in and out as the batteries ran down. Ming suspects that the umbatz of this world in general, and Pazdur in particular, can only feel enriched when the rest of us are genuflecting and tugging on our forelocks no matter the cost in human lives. They can never accept the insight of Lao-Tsu that "ambitious people force their will on others, but content people are already wealthy."

An Appeal To The Opposite Of PROgress

If Health & Human Services doesn't investigate the FDA, then our legislators should.The very honor of CONgress is at stake. It must remain a viable institution. There must yet remain a last refuge for failed lawyers to earn a living. Thus, Congress must be courted with all the dignity it deserves in requesting an investigation of FDA conflicts of interest. Ming would never besmirch that dignity by proffering filthy lucre to fill the already overflowing freezers of recipients of hedge fund largesse. After all, that money is better spent on more Dendreon. Instead, Ming advocates generous applications of wedgies, noogies and yes, even the dreaded wet willie to motivate our laggardly legislators. Perhaps resort could even be made to the unspeakable rear rebate to encourage our august solons to take action on the Provenge debacle. Ming holds little hope that even were the possibility of initiating hearings to be revisited, these waffling wastrels will have any overt affect on accelerating approval. At this point Ming is reduced to only looking to expose the prime movers behind Provenge's deferral as well as their loyal lackeys. To borrow the sentiment of that great New York philosopher and social activist, the late John Gotti, Ming would like to put a rocket in their pocket.

Ming To Be Hailed As Management Genius

Ming will now join that pantheon of great inventors such as Edison, Marconi, Tesla and Alexander Graham Nynex. Ming can promise to slash the exorbitant cost of management at any corporation. No longer will management be able to extort juicy equity interests in the form of options. No longer will they draw fat salaries and perks for doing naught. To launch his remarkable innovation, Ming will provide this much needed solution to Dendreon, gratis. Yes, now instead of stammering stooges at the helm, you can have easy to maintain cardboard cutouts. Duplicate the value added provided by current management at a fraction of the cost. And remember, they never soil themselves either in the restroom or on conference calls. As a shareholder, which unresponsive, one dimensional alternative would you rather have?

Talking Dirty a la Dendreon

Figuring everyone is getting very bored waiting for news, Ming decides to cash in bigtime, charging jaded Dendreonites $5 a minute for hardcore phone conversation. Call and a husky voice says, "Hi, I'm Mitch and I'm hot to partner and I don't even care who I do it with. Would you like to see my P-11?" Of course this is just a big tease since he has no such intentions in real life. Then the voice suggests you will get a very big rise if you could only see his interim. More frustration, but now that you're breathing heavily he suggests that he'll even expose his alpha for your delectation, hoping it will meet with approval. All this while voices in the background build to a crescendo shouting, "DNDN at 10, DNDN at 15, DNDN halted for News". If phone lines are busy, please try again as Ming has now become his own best customer.

Gaming The FDA

Having learned much from the Provenge fiasco, Fong Pharmaceuticals Chief Scientist, Werner von Merciless expects to achieve immediate approval for its miracle drug, Screwum. Admittedly another knockoff of the erectile dysfunction mania, this product will still be eagerly embraced by a grateful Congress who will look to Screwum at every turn when servicing their constituents. Von Merciless will first unveil the eagerly awaited swimsuit edition of his BLA application to garner the FDA's flagging attention. He will obtain manufacturing blessings by introducing the FDA inspectors to Madame Wu's House of 1001 Illicit Delights and provide them with a hands-on demonstration. The hand-picked Advisory Panel will be composed of the biggest advocates of screwjobs that are for sale. Howie, Maha, Jimbo etc. Fong Pharmaceutical detail men will blanket Capital Hill restrooms throwing our brochures with a complementary Ben Franklin attached into every bathroom stall with more than two feet showing to garner legislative support. Remember, Screwum and you can still gain approval.

Great Expectorations

Ming's latest moneymaker is the customized cuspidor so long absent from the American scene. The epiphany for this new product was the result of the FDA being mentioned in Ming's presence, thus eliciting the mandatory three spits to windward into spitoonless space. This was not well received by Ming's hostess who saw said loogies land in her punch bowl. Thus Ming saw a need and hopes small biotech investors fill it. His new line includes the Howie, the Maha and the extra large Pazdur. Each model has its eponymous personage's countenance pictured to make for accurate aiming. The only possible downside is that much like Ming, many purchasers, especially Dendreon shareholders, could seriously dehydrate themselves in their enthusiasm. Ming only hopes his new product hawks up much interest.

It's Only There To Let You Feel Empowered

Vote for this one or for that one is much like the door-close button on your elevator. Any elevator installed since the early nineties onward, has an inoperative door-close button, only there to give you the illusion of control. Likewise, those who will have the greatest impact on your life, the SEC, FDA, EPA, IRS etc., cannot be affected by your vote. Just as an elevator's escape hatch is bolted from the outside, so to, there is no escape from the workings of your government's agencies, whoever you elect President.

Time For Dendreon To Pony Up

Putting Dendreon's feet to the fire, Ming's demands are nonnegotiable. If Dendreon hopes to remain unscathed by Ming's acerbic tongue, nothing less than full capitulation is acceptable. They must give Ming a dollar a day for the vending machine in the employee lounge, 2,500 sheets of the softest toilet paper and a key to the executive washroom. Any attempt at negotiation and the offer will be withdrawn and the demands escalated to encompass Mitch having to give Ming pony rides each day in the office or he will ride Mitch in his blog and on the IV Board daily. Cliche loving Ming says, a word to the wise is sufficient.

Phraseology From The Devil's Dictionary

1) To blithely disregard, as in, "I don't give an FDA Panel, I'll do as I damn well please. 2) To impugn another's ocular capabilities, as in, He's as blind as the SEC Enforcement Division". 3) To denigrate another's actions, as in, "He's a horses von Eschenbach". 4) To insult by alluding to a bodily function, as in, "Why don't you take a good Scher for yourself". and finally, 5)To challenge another's ill will towards oneself as expressed by referral to anatomical tumefaction, as in, You've got a real Pazdur for me, don't you?". Apologies to the late Ambrose Bierce.

Free Brittany For Charity's Sake

All proceeds of Ming's Free Brittany Spears Telethon will go to Charity as soon as Ming can legally change his name to that euphonious cognomen. Congress, knowing where the limelight shines brightest, can then immediately schedule emergency hearings and ask Brittany all sorts of irrelevantly stupid questions as they normally do at such hearings. Naturally, there will be collateral damage as with any worthy cause. Innocent bystanders could be trampled as Congresspersons stampede toward the media's cameras. New York's Senator Chuck Schumer has even been known to swallow cameras whole with little apparent adverse affect. If only Dendreon would act in it's own best interest and appoint Brittany or any other such worthy as their spokesperson and thus reap some collateral publicity.

Historical Histrionics

A disgusted Ming plans on playing Henry IV to Mitch's Pope Gregory VII. Henry stood in a haircloth shirt outside Castle Canossa in the snow for three days in January 1077 begging the Pope to reverse his excommunication. Ming plans to stand outside Dendreon's Seattle headquarters begging Mitch to communicate anything that would reverse Dendreon's stock price. This is not so easy as it sounds. Not only can't poor Ming find haircloth shirts on sale in the L.L. Bean Catalog but he finds the rental cost of a snow machine to be astronomical. Ming supposes sitting outside HQ in an aluminum beach chair wearing speedos while a confederate cascades him with confetti made from Mitch's Form 4s just doesn't have the same impact. But how else does one get a reaction from the mute Mitch?

Ming Is Too Stupid To Be Fooled

The lowly Ming cannot even pronounce the names of some of those drugs being flogged on television to unwary but susceptible viewers. Before they run to their doctor demanding whatever they've been told to demand, know this about at least one such indication. Statins prescribed to reduce low density lipoproteins, cause angiogenesis. That in turn leads to cancer since the creation of new blood vessels are what cancer needs to spread. The risk of these statins in the creation of colorectal cancer is of particular risk. Their effects on blood could also be a factor in rhabdomyolysis. Luckily Ming is a suspicious peasant who would rather eat an apple than take a drug. The pectin in apples encapsulate cholesterol and pass it out of the system. For nut jobs really leary of low density lipoprotein, eat walnuts as they too lower cholesterol. Note that neither apples nor walnuts can be patented, so Big Pharma and the doctors whom they support will not highlight these natural alternatives. An unwashed Ming's motto is, Don't use what comes from Big Pharma, they have very bad karma.

Ming Endorses Presidential Candidate

Civic minded Ming is current Chairman of the Elect Stassen Committee. Harold Stassen has already run for president, nine times. He has the experience. This time he looks unstoppable. The Stassen Machine can truthfully promise their candidate will never raise taxes, never veto pork barrel spending, never engage the country in war. It helps that he died in 2001. Become a member of the Stassen team now. With Harold as President, Hugo Chavez will make an even greater fool of himself when he tells our already deceased leader to drop dead. Putin will think twice before sabre rattling his nuclear arsenal knowing that our leader has nothing to lose. The budget can be cut by canning unnecessary speech writers and secret service personnel. Our man can't give speeches and can't be assassinated and will never embarrass the Nation with a tawdry affair in the White House. Go with a winner. You can be dead sure with Harold.

Ming Provides Double Happiness

"Oh Ming, screamed his date, I've never had such happiness before". "How can you maintain such a consistent performance, again and again?" Yes, Ming admits to pleasuring the ladies with his famous Peking Double Happiness, made with pork and shrimp, smothered in his secret sauce. This brings to mind the last time the FDA ordered Dendreon to be taken out. It apparently was not too fulfilling since they would soon be likely to do it again. Ming only hopes Mitch also has some secret sauce to smother any FDA impediments to approval. Maybe the FDA should consult their fortune cookie before interim now that our big new investor has scanned the menu and ordered 8.6% of all outstanding shares.

Ming Is Flush With Ideas

Let Ming install kliege lights on the premises so Mitch can announce that things are looking brighter at Dendreon. Let Ming replace those new but anemic 1.6 gallon flush commodes with the old reliable 3.5 gallon models so that Mitch can aver that while management is straining to achieve it's goals, they now know that their efforts will be flushed with success. Allow Ming to procure pony rides for Mitch(cowboy hat optional), at a quarter a pop outside that variety store so he can proclaim that while he's had his ups and downs, he's still riding high. The point is that there should be so much they could say if they would only get off their collective keisters and say it rather than avoiding bright lights, hiding in the toilet and taking shareholders for a ride.

The Stock For All Seasons

Entering the Alley of The Redolent Rodent, Ming scuttles past the Happy Dragon Opium Den, The Shameless Pickpockets & Conflicted Panel Members Guild Hall and even Madame Woo's House Of 1001 Illicit Delights. Girls all wave to best customer Ming who cringingly slinks into the offices of his financial advisor, Sum Dum Luk. He asks the wise one why Dendreon has so large a call option open interest. The venerable Sum solicitously wonders how a naif like Ming crosses streets unaided as he explains that institutional longs can earn upwards of 40% a year lending their Dendreon at interest to shorts while simultaneously selling calls on their position. A reticent Ming humbly wonders if they aren't afraid of losing their position on announcement of good news. Sum says this is only a lost opportunity cost on one of the various biotechs they do this with. An adddled brained Ming then timidly asks who buys such calls and is told those who anticipate ultimate approval can leverage a long position which even when successively rolled over when out of the money on expiration can still provide a greater profit than a purchase and hold of the underlying stock. Everyone can win with Dendreon chortles Sum Dum Luk and this doesn't even require some dumb luck.

Ming's Fractured Fairy Tale

Its open season on therapeutics so the FDA and Little Debbie Dendreon go hunting. Little Debbie falls down in a faint from overexertion from too much test taking.(Three phase IIIs). The FDA, of course is clueless so it calls 911 and opines that it's little friend might be dead. The operator, apprised of the situation, begins to talk the FDA through the emergency by asking the FDA to first make sure she is really dead. The next thing the operator hears is a gunshot and the FDA, getting back on the line says," O.K. now what? " Now how far from the truth is this when given the level of expertise at the FDA?

Curing The Cure

Fong Pharmaceuticals proudly announces three new additions to its drug arsenal. Based on hard evidence, we now have the definitive cure for erectile dysfunction. Known as Purcuup, its only contra-indication is known technically in medical circles, as blindness. We here at Fong, take no responsibility for this as you were warned about it years ago by your mother. However, the ensuing depression that it elicits can be treated by our second miracle drug, Flisohi. Unfortunately, it has been found to induce severe incontinence. While this will not be of concern to you while enjoying its therapeutic effects, those around you may feel otherwise. Hence, our third contribution to medical science is Holdinitin. While this will ameliorate the problem, continued recourse to Holdinitin will result in erectile dysfunction. Business head Fong bows to Big Pharma for pioneering the modern approach to medicine.

Ming Still Likes Girls But Can't Remember Why

Ming just came back from seeing Dr. Umbatz and was diagnosed with a bad case of Sexheimers because Ming can't even remember the last time he got lucky and its all Dendreon's fault. Maybe he should change his standard pickup line from "Hey girl, you look as good as Dendreon's chances at interim". Or maybe Ming would meet with greater success offering to show that sweet young thing his etchings rather than his Dendreon charts. It probably also doesn't help admitting they may have to wait until 2009 before he buys the next round. Yet, after approval, he knows all he need do is quietly let slip that he bought Dendreon in the single digits and he'll become the darling of cafe society.

The Ubangis Had The Right Idea

We live in a "ya gotta havva gimmick world". Suffering low self-esteem? Get a tattoo. Need to differentiate yourself and feel special? Go with face jewelry. Never mind that there's an inverse correlation between the number of tattoos, puncture marks on your proboscis and your place on the socio-economic scale. Do it because its easy, it provides instant gratification, other cretins will think its cool and best of all, there's no need to exert yourself learning any skills or working towards a goal. Remember, expending effort at self-actualization runs the risk of failure. This iron clad argument has convinced Ming to also get all tricked out but he understands that all the above while outre, is also commonplace. Ming cleverly notes many rock band dummies wear fedoras. Perhaps making a statement now requires going retro. It may just be time to bring back spats, homburgs, double breasted suits and malacca canes. Adolphe Menjoe, you were so ahead of us all.

You Too Can Win Journalism's Bowling Trophy

When Ming was still an ignorant little tyke, he thought it was called the Pullet Surprise. Now that he's a big ignorant adult he understands that was right since it would be a surprise if any of the yellow chickens now palming themselves off as reporters are capable of winning it. Admittedly, not only does he now know its called the Pulitzer Prize but that there are numerous categories in print journalism for which it can be won. While its only a medal and $10,000 for winning the prize for investigative journalism its actually very easy. All one need do is take their favorite crayon, redact any number of posts on the Dendreon IV Board and put your by-line to an article on Festering Corruption In Provenge Denial. Then contact a member of the Pulitzer Prize Board such as Thomas Friedman, columnist for The New York Times and claim your bowling trophy. Remember, no laborious investigation nor mind numbing original thought need be expended. Good luck and good plagiarism.

Thank Goodness For Bruce

Solid citizen Ming was worried that he might actually have to think for himself. However, now that Bruce Springsteen has finally endorsed a presidential candidate, Ming's worries are over. He can go back to watching the news. Although it won't be on any channel that wastes precious airtime on Afganistan or Iraq when they could instead more profitably be telling Ming what Brittany did last night. Ming also plans to return to the newsstand that magazine with the phoney name. Foreign affairs never once even mentioned Paris Hilton or Madonna. And if the much vaunted WWIII does break out, one can only hope the idiots that program all the news shows don't decide to preempt last weekend's box office winners.

Ming's Medical Musings

Ming is not a doctor, although he stands at the ready to put on the scrubs if only to encourage gullible young ladies to disrobe. Yet, in his less febrile moments he wonders why prostate cancer is endemic in modern day America. Reading around, he finds studies show an increased risk of dying from prostate cancer as well as colon, beast and ovarian cancer when there is a deficiency of Vitamin D. Most Americans, working indoors in post-industrial revolution America are sadly deficient in this vitamin which acts as a hormone. The most important source of Vitamin D is sunlight absorbed through the skin. This may explain why African-Americans suffer more of these cancers and in more virulent forms. The high melanin in their skin's pigmentation serves to block the suns rays. This relationship to lack of Vitamin D is also found in those using sunblock and those living furthest from the equator. To counteract this deficiency, one would be well served to consume leafy greens, flaxseed, walnuts, pumpkin seed and most importantly, wild salmon, cold water sardines and albacore tuna several times a week. This also provides rich sources of Omega-3 fatty acids so necessary for stable heartbeat and lowered blood pressure. Note that as with all things, too much(more tha 3 grams a week) will thin the blood and could promote stroke. Nonetheless, something so simple, lacking in most diets, that can do no harm when consumed in moderation, can serve to let you still be around to finally reap the rewards for sticking with Dendreon for the long haul. The downside, of course, is you'll have to read even more of Ming's blatherings.