Ming's Entourage

Ming has host of trainers and advisers. Shou Ting is his voice coach. This helps Ming when shouting Provenge's virtues from the rooftops. Justin Case is his insurance adviser providing coverage as Ming slanders Dendreon's detractors. Tu Yung provides legal advice for potential violations of the Mann Act when Ming takes new secretarial talent across state lines. Steve Adore is longshoreman who helps with heavily lifting of carpets as Ming rolls up all his people problems. Fok Yu is accomplished diplomat who aids Ming in developing his debating skills and Wun Hung Lo is his weight lifting coach. The list goes on, but a humble Ming is too reticent to brag except about Dendreon.

Buy Fong Pharmaceuticals With Both Hands

The FDA is agog over Fong's new arsenic oxide cure for hiccups. It treats a trivial condition. Its unsafe. No Panel would recommend its use. It has everything the FDA could ever want. Moreover, no patient will be in a position afterward to dispute its efficacy although a lucky few with robust constitutions may walk, albeit, shorn of all mental faculties. Fong will be the toast of the pharmaceutical industry as others rush to develop palliations for the side effects, thus ensuring bullish chart patterns for all. The PDUFA filing fees that will enure to the FDA will fund retention bonuses for legions of loyal, crotch scratching FDA minions in perpetuity. Thankfully, no inconvenient pressure groups exist to champion the cause of lowly, unlovable hiccupers with such an unfashionable affliction.

Ming Aces FDA Employment Questionaire

Ming applies to the FDA for a job. Immediately pegging him as a truculent troublemaker thats not too bright and realizing the dysfunctional Pazdur must eventually be replaced, they give Ming the Senior Management Test. Only one question is on test. "How do the following words reflect FDA policy on public health? voodoo, banana, dresser, grammar, potato, revive, uneven, assess." Piece of cake! See how taking first letter of each word and putting it last, then spelling backwards gets you same word. So putting what should be first, last, getting it backwards and having nothing change is also FDA policy on public health. Everyone that thought Ming just vapid idiot, now can rest assured, that at least at the FDA, thats considered management material.

Ming Proposes To Paris Hilton

Actually, a lubricious Ming made several salacious proposals, none of which were met with much enthusiasm. Yet, a devious Ming will do whatever necessary to garner another spokesperson for Provenge. Who better to capture the world's attention than some vacuous vixen in Ming's thrall? Surely a wanton wench bouncing on the FDA Commissioner's lap would help build a bridge to the future or at least raise some evidence that he is pro life.

Ming Blasts Motherhood And Apple Pie

Ming fearlessly comes out against motherhood and apple pie. Mothers have a lot to answer for. Surely, they have to assume some responsibility for the twisted, neurotic nudnicks most of us have become. If they only had the good sense to throttle our little throats at the first sign of antisocial behavior, all that followed could have been avoided. As for apple pie, this is no more than a ploy by big apple interests to foist off their overproduction on an unsuspecting and easily duped public. As to Dendreon's prospects, take the worst case scenario. Postulating Provenge has efficacy, you'll have to wait to 2010 to become rich enough to tell your wretched inlaws what you really think of them. As the pipeline then develops you could even afford to give the stray grout to charity so that people actually and counterintuitively have to be nice to you. What more do you want from an investment?

The Argument Against Immunotherapies

Ming consulted the dean of oncological obfuscation, Dr. Boris Bumpemoff. He iterated that doctors once ignorantly bled patients. They then administered emetics to induce nausea and vomiting while plying patients with laxatives to purge them. Crushed beetles were applied to arms and legs to draw out blisters while resin of spruce did likewise for hands and feet. Sparing no expense, they administered a drink of ground seashells and hart's horn(ground antlers) to absorb excess fluids. How primitive averred Bumpemoff. Now all those salutary results are quickly achieved with chemo. The very thought of manipulating the immune system to reach a salubrious result in the height of barbarism. Besides one must convince the skeptical patient that your nostrums are working. How better to do that than making demonstrable changes in his physiognomy? Who can argue? Doctors know everything, especially when billions of dollars for chemo and the drugs to treat it's side effects are at stake.

Flasher Seeks To Shock Creeps

Notorious flasher, Yu Sie Ma Wang parted his raincoat in front of a shocked meeting of CREEP(Congressmen Eliciting Erectile Pleasures), only to exhibit a copy of Dendreon's Conditional Response Letter. Wang believes this is the most shocking display of depravity that he's capable of exposing. Several Congressmen actually went limp when Wang began waving it around. Now after Representative Dingell's refusal to hold hearings, its up to the Senate to strike a heroic pose and mount a stiff response to this FDA depravity thus bending them to our will and letting us have our way with them.

Dendreon Finally Grants Ming Options

Ming's sandwich board reads,"They let Mitch Filtch while Ming gets Zilch". So sorehead management give Ming options of leaving lobby on own steam or get carried out. Courageous shareholder Ming not intimidated, refuses to leave and fearlessly defies management goon squad. Day not total loss. Ming gets good stock tip. Finds out hard way, tasr's guns really work.

Where Has Faith Gone?

"Montebank", shouted the crowd. "No refunds", shouted Ming as he ran from St. Patrick's Cathedral still clutching several unsold but "genuine" holy relics and splinters of The True Cross marked down for his Pre-Saint Patrick's Day Sales Extravaganza. Just because the former resembled chicken bones,(people were smaller back then), and the latter, toothpicks,(he should have taken the wrappers off), people are developing the nasty habit of not taking things at face value. In Ming's youth, the medical establishment was ignorant yet worshiped by a still more ignorant public. Now even nurses no longer have to rise when a physician enters a hospital room and the public is no longer disposed to accept the pronunciamentos of the glorious FDA. The more publicity afforded the egregious the blunders of that august body, the more opprobrium will be heaped on their deserving heads. The failure to merely accept the Conditional Response Letter for Provenge is emblematic of a better informed, more proactive public demanding accountability from the dysfunctional and discredited montebanks of the FDA. If this trend keeps up poor Ming won't even be able to move his inventory of miraculous manifestations on milk duds this upcoming Christmas season and the duds at the FDA won't be able to milk the miraculous manifestations of their dubious decisions as they're ushered from office.

Ming Decides To Start Taking Care Of Himself

No more lost weekends swilling fermented yak milk. No more dissipated drooling while waving a fist full of fifties at Madame Wu's House of 1001 Illicit Pleasures. And certainly no more trips to the hospital for an emergency mallomarectomy with a stomach pump after one box too many of those delectable treats. Ming must conserve his chi, or as the Indians say, prana, if he wants to be around when Dendreon morphs into a cornucopia of cash flow. No longer merely a nut, but now aspiring to be a health nut, Ming is even doing pushups although in his debilitated state he prudently has 911 on speed dial. After doing an entire pushup, Ming winds down by cursing each of Dendreon's enemies to the 18th generation. Its a nice way to start the day.

Insufferable Twits

Ming's new line of Insufferable Twit bubblegum cards are a sure winner. Collect the card honoring the hero who invented the noisy leaf blower, the instigator of the automated telephone response menu and the creator of the endless car alarm. Give recognition to the engineer of all those toasters whose highest setting can burn asbestos. Salute the originator of the canned constituent response who congratulates you on your interest in good government when you inquire as to how he can be such a crook. And lest we forget, we should highlight the clod who is all about the science but who still won't approve Provenge.

So Patient A Doctor To Doctor A Patient So

Ming may have gotten that phrase backwards, but he nevertheless goes to his physician, Yu Tu Dum Tu Dy, complaining of recurring headaches. A Western doctor would immediately stuff him with pills, potions and panaceas, thus funding his next winter excursion to the Bahamas. Ming's doctor follows the Nei-Jing published in the third century B.C. and is known in the West as The Yellow Emperor's Classics of Internal Medicine. It is based on common experience over milleniums and uses herbals, acupuncture, manipulative therapy and food cures. For instance, back then, the Chinese already knew that their seamen could avoid scurvy by drinking tea, yet not until 1937 when Dr. Albert-Szent-Gyorgyi successfully isolated vitamin C as the cure was Western science satisfied. Their skeptical attitude towards common experience tells them nothing is true until they understand the method of action. They know that 100 grams of raw celery contains 17 calories, 0.9g of protein, 3.9g of carbohydrate, 39mg of calcium and 9mg of ascorbic acid but so what? The Chinese have used celery to reduce blood pressure for centuries but if no research has been done, Western scientists find that of little interest. The same with immunotherapies that like Chinese medicine, relies on the patient's internal defenses. They don't care if it works if you can't satisfy their tests. As for Ming's headaches, Yu knew it was due to pushing down too hard on the propeller when Ming puts on his beanie.

Ming Exercises His Eleemosynary Propensities

No, don't cover your eyes and go running to report poor Ming to the Google censors for performing a lewd act. This only means Ming is once again feeling charitable enough to visit the GNAT at the special Dendreon Shareholder lockdown unit in the Psychiatric Ward of NYC's Bellevue Hospital. You will remember the GNAT as TANG, famous inventor of powdered orange drink. He put it all into Dendreon, post it's March 29th FDA Provenge Panel meeting. It was a lock after a positive Panel vote on safety and efficacy. The FDA had never before gone against a Panel recommendation when evaluating a new treatment for a terminal indication. Now the reverses in his fortune even extend to his name. He still holds his position, but like his powdered drink, it is watered down everyday as it trades ever lower. Only when Ming arrives does a gleam of hope appear in his bloodshot eyes. He whispers,"Tell me again Ming, tell me again". Ming replies, "All gaps get filled, all gaps get filled". Ming leaves him, happily scribbling $16.75 over and over on the walls with his orange crayons.

Ming Is Delirious With Joy

His favorite stock, Dendreon, was up an eye-popping ten cents today. Obviously, the Shorts' computerized algorithms malfunctioned. Meanwhile, a giddy Ming, flush with success, will squander his this windfall on that package of suspiciously green frankfurters he's been lusting after. The discount store owner swears the expiration date wasn't altered and the price is now within Ming's grasp. Fortunately, Ming's quotidian expenses are modest. His well-appointed pied-a-terre overlooks the Hudson River although at high tide, the cardboard does get wet. Conversely, by then the overhead bridge traffic is usually light, so it all evens out. Its not easy being a Dendreon shareholder.

Ming Is A Yankee Doodle Dandy

Even though he's Emperor of the Universe, Ming can proudly boast of many American patriots in his lineage. His great-grandfather, Ebenezer Merciless, way back in '75 offered a gun and a horse to any man that would join George Washington at Valley Forge. The offer was actually made in 1975 and became Exhibit A in the doddering old dummy's commitment hearing. But Ming actually did have an ancestor who was a naval commander during the Revolution. It was John Paul Merciless who said' "I have not yet begun to fight" as he abandoned the Bonhomme Richard just before it defeated the British Serapis. Fortunately, history's selective memory has mercifully forgotten the remainder of his quote, "I could do myself a hurt". Ming is so proud.

Like Cream, Ming Rises To The Top

Last year, Ming got fired from the Bubba Burger for yet again, ringing up the fries on the salad bar key. Then, although it was a step down, he landed a job with Homeland Security out at the airport as Nonprofile Profiler. He singled out people for full body cavity searches but only if they didn't fit the terrorist profile, thus achieving the necessary political correctness. So Ming let all mid-eastern types wearing jalabas and taoubs sail through but gave the full treatment to grandmothers with blue hair from Iowa on the way to see their grandchildren. For this heroic effort Ming was fast tracked to the national level as Director of Advisory Alerts. Ming immediately issued a red alert demanding that all citizens stock up on red duct tape for use in covering all orifices south of their navels in case of terrorist attack. Ming earned himself a corner office for that one.

It's All In The Eye Of The Beholder

"I've been flummoxed", screamed the memorabilia collector as he lunged for Ming's throat. "Caveat emptor", squeaked Ming as he lunged for the door. Just because they didn't start making major league baseballs in Haiti until 1970 and Rogers Hornsby died in 1963, he dares question the autograph's legitimacy. Meanwhile, Ming's nicely done Babe Ruth balls, all signed on the sweet spot, may be an easy signature, but don't use ballpoint pen which was not available back then for the Bambino's use, or even O. J. Simpson won't covet your wares. The same goes for Dendreon. Don't blame the guy who hit the homer that scored with the Panel. Blame the ones who actually signed the letter delaying approval for Provenge and those who profited from it. Keep your eye on the ball and you won't be deceived. Meanwhile, Ming has a great deal for you on Barry Bonds home run balls, wholesale to the trade. Remember, if its not a Ming, its not worth a thing.

Bogus Proctologist Busted

FDA Officials called police when an individual began soliciting their employees for free rectal examinations to be performed on the premises. Armed only with tubes of K-Y jelly , rubber gloves, a beer bottle and an imperfect command of the English language, suspicions were aroused. When questioned, he kept insisting that while proctologists usually used a butt light, a Heinekin would do just as well. The suspect, with the improbable cognomen of Ming T. Merciless, was dragged away, but kept shouting that he only wanted to get at the bottom of the FDA and uncover all the hemorrhoids it contained.

Ming Seeks To Be Made Whole

Throwing himself at the feet of Wei Li, the senior partner of Wie Su Yu & Den Sum, Ming begs for redress. Shareholder Ming claims legal standing to sue the FDA for fraud in the inducement. Enticing the victim by giving Dendreon fast-track status, being privy to the results of its trials while still authorizing a Panel which voted positively on safety and evidence of efficacy only to deny approval based on the very evidence available pre-panel is arbitrary and capricious. This then not only constitutes fraud in the inducement but fraud in the execution as well. Lead Counsel Wei fobs Ming off onto his shifty co-partner, Yu Li, notorious suborner of witnesses who confers with partner Su Dem, the firm's rainmaker. They all defer to Den Pai and Sum Do. All agree for them to sue government requires green inspiration up front. They advise Ming to stop sniveling and ask his Congressman to request the Inspector General of Health & Human Services to get off plump posterior and investigate travesty since they have recently regained FDA oversight. Then, rushing from their offices, they trample the hapless Ming when mistaking factory whistle for siren on ambulance.

Uplifting Attempt At Culture Backfires

Culture loving Ming suffers third degree burns and its all Tchaikovsky's fault. Ming was innocently entertaining friends with a bravura rendition of The 1812 Overture emanating from his burito and flan fueled flatulations when a careless smoker attempted to light a cigarette. The ensuing explosion set off car alarms six blocks away. From now on, poor Ming will confine his recitals to low volume renditions of Elvira by the Oak Ridge Boys and to hell with culture. Until then, Ming remains on a low fiber, very bland diet until the source of his musical inspiration heals.

New Aphrodisiac Found

Girls crazy about Ming. They always want to find out more about him. Who are you? Why you stare at me? Was that you looking in my window last night? Then Ming tries to impress by bragging that he has Dendreon. Then girls say yeech. Is it communicable? Shouldn't you be quarantined? How can poor Ming make time with curvaceous cuties if no one knows how valuable Dendreon's cassette technology is? Doesn't Dendreon have a campaign in place to dispel the misoneism of urologists, oncologists and all the other ologists? Shouldn't the campaign to educate the opinion makers in medicine begin now and extend beyond the stray conference? Ming suspects that the litmus test for bragging will only occur when Provenge is approved. Dendreon's share price will skyrocket. Then Ming can leer at those luscious lovelies and proudly say that his biotech is bigger and will perform better than the next guy's. Girls love it when you talk dirty, especially when you have a fist full of fifties.

Celebrity Update

An alert viewer of Ming's blog informed him that Gary Coleman was recently wed. After perusal of the Society columns Ming was able to establish that this was the perfect match. She's twice his size but only half his age so all should work out well although Ming understands the blushing bride has Raoul Felder on speed dial. Apparently his felicitously named hit T.V. series, "Different Strokes" was prescient. The only jarring note to be sounded is that rumor has it Gary married on the rebound after his torrid relationship with Janet Reno was cut short by a faulty extension ladder.

Ming Feels So Soiled

Maria Buttaroma was only using poor Ming to get to his granduncle Fong, the Tchotchkes King of New York to push her new line of Money Honey geegaws. Fong was the moving force behind such perennial favorites as Famous Stamp Collector trading cards and the full line of Son of Sam commemorative plates. Fong has his hand on the pulse of the market and now the venerable old geezer has his hand on Maria's as well. He recommends Maria keep to the high ground with such tasteful items as the Money Honey Lickable Lollipop showing our heroine's likeness. A Money Honey disposable diaper, for viewing the results of CNBC analyst recommendations on your portfolio also has merit. However, Fong vetoes the Money Honey line of edible panties for use while viewing our luscious lovely onscreen as somewhat tasteless. Although he admits, the new tutti frutti flavor wasn't bad.

Ming Goes On A Hot Date

Hanging around the Women's House of Detention finally pays off but Ming is no fool. He cleverly takes the Domino's sign off his car before the date. No use alerting this recidivist that Ming makes the big bucks. Ming was prouder than Michael Jackson getting picked for show and tell at a grade school when he strolled in to that fancy restaurant with his date. Everyone just starred. Its not every day that this years winner of the Broderick Crawford Look-Alike Contest strolls into a Long John Silvers wearing a tank top and speedos. Her dishonor before death tattoo was also well received by her admirers. But even Ming has social aspirations. Someday, when his investments bear fruit, or even money, he hopes to begin dating girls who shave their legs, at least a little. We all have our dreams.

Ming's Marlboro Miles

Having tied up all available funds in his Dendreon investment, Ming is reduced to scrounging Marlboro miles for that camping equipment he covets. He planned to visit the Grand Coulee Dam, the Hoover Dam and even places that don't give a damn. Unfortunately, while he's still puffing furiously away, he's still not even close to getting the miles required so he's prepared to compromise. Ming will just go watch the Rosie O'Donnell Show since she's about as big a dyke as one could ever hope to see. Besides with all that edema, she probably holds as much water as any other dike.

Bib Laden Is Alive And Well

Some say he's working as a counterman in an Orange Julius in Time Square. Ming knows better. Osama has seen that the most efficient means to destroy America is through financial terrorism. To achieve that end he merely generates a bogus death fable enabling easier egress from Wasiristan. He then sets up a hedge fund to short promising companies in the U.S.A. This results in destroying innovative enterprises, loss of present and future jobs and destroys faith in the capital formation process thus further inhibiting growth. Oh. oh. Scratch that. This is already a crowded field. Besides most of our financial journalists don't know arabic. How would they find out what to write, unless maybe, they just ask the hedge funds we already are burdened with.

Merciless To Provide Hope To Investors

Notorious recidivist and serial jay walker, Ming T. Merciless announces the formation of the Best Investment Legitimately Known(BILK),alert. Our BILK alert will inform you of stocks to own and those to avoid said Mr. Merciless, based on his proprietary analysis of the New York Post Financial Section supplemented with insights from his barber. Mr. Merciless is descended from a long line of ancestors who were in stocks. In fact, Ming the Elder was first placed in stocks when living in Massachusetts Bay Colony especially when ye olde grog shoppe extended him credit. So submit your subscription now and we will BILK you immediately.

Poor Ming Strip-Searched At Airport

This was yet another clear cut, politically incorrect instance of profiling. Ming was resplendent in his newly designed Emperor of the Universe uniform replete with mucho bling-bling. Right away they surround the blameless Ming and make him march through the metal detector which of course starts sounding off more than Rosie O'Donnell does when bad-mouthing The Donald. They do this several times, stripping Ming of more garments each time, until he's left wearing only his winnie-the-poo adult diaper. Stupid fascists never realized it was clearly his buns of steel that kept setting off the device. If they're intent on heaping indignity on someone, let them grab any traveling FDA official. They could perform a public service while strip searching them by pulling all those approvable letters out of their asses just like the FDA does when making a decision on a therapeutic from any of several small biotechs but especially Dendreon. Photos of Ming enduring the indignities of a strip search by officers Stan Still and Ben Dover that are suitable for framing over your mantle can be had for only 50 shares of Dendreon, postpaid. Sorry, no green stamps.

Ming Seeks Investment Advice

Ming dares to enter the Alley of Lepers and scurries past the notorious Pickpockets and Hedge Fund Operators Guild House. He arrives at the Wo Tu Yu Brokerage firm where the scrofulous One-Eyed Wang presides. Ming kowtows to the evil one and begs to know what will become of his Dendreon. The filth encrusted and unwashed Wang assures him that nothing good can come of a stock so reduced in price, advising Ming to sell before some untoward news event sends it still lower. The despicable Wang points to the high volume in support of his thesis and encourages Ming to disregard the nonsense contained in Section 9 of the 1934 Securities and Exchange Act that deems it unlawful to effect any securities transaction which involves no change in beneficial ownership just because Ming sees hedge funds trading the stock back and forth to themselves, driving it down daily as though it were some sort of perverted volleyball game. Ming notes that the untrustworthy Wang cringes at any uptick in Dendreon's price while many urgent but unanswered messages cover his abacus from a Stamford Connecticut area code. Ming chooses to hang onto his Dendreon with both hands much to the disgust and dismay of the Wangs of this world.

New Hope For The Dead

Don't give up those luscious Dendreon shares just because you lack a pulse. The future capital gains flowing from those shares could prove useful in the afterlife which may not have rent control. What if you can't otherwise afford a harp and have to spend eternity blowing on some cheap kazoo? Send for our free booklet, "Thumbing your Nose at Those Left Behind". Learn how putting your Dendreon shares in the Church of Ming's name enables Minister Ming, who has been conferred with a special communication of power, or angkur(dbang skur), from his Masters in Tibet, to waft capital gains to your heavenly abode. If, as is more likely, you find yourself going elsewhere, use those gains to finance some asbestos undies to alleviate your discomfiture. Our booklet comes to you in a plain brown wrapper appropriately marked, Final Notice, which also serves to foil spoilsport postal inspectors and suspicious relatives.

An Insult to Blattella Asahinai, the Asian Cockroach

How better to learn about hedge fund managers than from Foul Foo who lives in the Alley of Ten Thousand Cockroaches. After losing a battle for what was once a tuna fish sandwich to the roaches, Foo is in a foul mood and eager to disparage them by a comparison to hedge fund managers. Both avoid the light of day. Each make group decisions by following a chemical trail of feces to their source of sustenance. Both always take up residence in a the same location. They are difficult to kill off since a mere human can only withstand 800 rems of radiation while the roach and apparently the hedgie can withstand 67,500 rems. Most importantly, both can live up to a month without a head. Thus, should Stevie depart, the rest of the body could even live on for a time. The pedantic Foo goes on to note that the best way to dispose of them is to place between two hard surfaces and apply pressure. Unfortunately, the SEC and the Justice Department are not those hard surfaces.

Leave The Gun And Take The Cannolis

New York Families reach out to Ming's Hand Laundry for sitdown. Ming have own problems. His beloved Dendreon still in dumps and Ming still under indictment for infiltration of Gaslamp Lighter's Union. Ming heard they have plenty no show jobs. At sitdown, Families present Ming with lovely embroidered lace blackjack cozy in honor of past services. Ming was hoping for commemorative plate from Franklin Mint's " Lovable Gangster" series, but settles for cozy. Families explain they fear being busted for unlawful possession of Wall Street due to heat generated by current publicity. They want to hedge their bets on hedge funds. Ask Ming to take out dirty laundry. Tell Ming to check tide tables so unmentionables not wash ashore. Ming agrees to hang laundry out to dry so mob have clean linen should accident occur. Pretty soon, dirty shorts will be all washed up and Ming gets to keep the cannolis.

Ming Is Under Strict Doctor's Orders

Dr. Umbatz told Ming in no uncertain terms that if he values his health, a change in scenery is in order. His exact words were," If you know whats good for you, you won't come back here again". He even offered to consult on Ming's condition by, "calling the proper authorities". The man is a saint. Ming plans on giving him the business every time he feels out of sorts.

Ming Steps Out

Big yard sale across the street. Ming goes over and some old guy sells him something called zoot suit with big watch chain and big wide hat called fedora. He claims this will make girls say hubba, hubba because Ming is the cat's meow. This makes sense to Ming because he always liked pussies. It seems to work since everywhere Ming goes in his spiffy new ensemble, all the girls point, smile and even laugh out loud. As soon as Ming finds out what 23 skidoo, small change means he hopes to get some action. This is so much better than that stupid dating service questionaire where all likely matches were still incarcerated.

Ming Flogs Flog

No, Ming is not dyslexic. Its a game based on self-flagellation. First Ming has to invest the big bucks in all kinds of stupid sticks and an impossibly heavy leather bag to carry them. Then wearing knickers and argyle socks just like he's seen pros do in newsreels, he hits a little white ball into the woods, scaring all the poor squirrels. Ming modestly admits he's pretty good at this, getting to the green in only 22 shots. Ming then one putts by alleging he saw naked women on the other side of the fairway while cleverly inserting the stupid ball in the cup, as his oversexed companions are otherwise occupied. Now ready to repair to the clubhouse for a well earned libation, he is shocked to learn he's supposed to do this 17 more times. The only sensible thing in all this is the ball washer on the 10th tee, although why all the women golfers started screaming is a mystery to Ming.

Test To Have Ming As Your Personal Mentor

We start easy. What do you put in a toaster? If you answer toast, then so is your attempts to have Ming guide your faltering footsteps since both the toaster and Ming require bread to operate. Ming gives you undeserved second chance. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks what is a green house made from? If you reply, green bricks then you are a product of the American public school system since you're so easily led. Greenhouses are made from glass. Ming is now suspicious that not only should Ming not be your mentor but perhaps a Court appointed legal guardian is in order, but we try again. Its thirty years ago and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany(recall that Germany at that time was politically divided into West Germany which was The Federal Republic of Germany and East Germany which was the German Democratic Republic). Anyway, during the flight three engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately, the engine gives out before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no-man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany or no-man's land? Dummkopf!! Survivors don't get buried since they're not dead yet. You might very well qualify as the next President of the United States, but until that time, go nowhere without wearing your picklehaube, since you're only liable to hurt yourself crossing streets without protective gear.

Ming Suffers Yet More Indignities

Notorious nut job, Hermann Rorschach, designed test showing dirty pictures then accuses viewer of being off rocker(technical medical term). At least this time they slip in a few inkblots clearly showing Ming frolicking with bevy of cute concubines. Ming's favorite showed him enjoying the favors of the delectable Dale Arden. As usual, test administrator slowly backs out of room as Ming peruses pictures. Next they try to trip Ming up with logic tests. What to do when ice cube caught in throat? Ming says pour boiling water down gullet. What would Ming do for persistent cough? Obviously, take large quantity of laxatives, then he'd be too afraid to cough. They even ask no brainers, like if stranded on desert island how would you get off?. Obviously by thinking of Dale Arden. Sometimes Ming thinks they ask the wrong people these questions.

Ming Diagnosed With Triskaidekaphobia

Many sensitive souls suffer the heartbreak of triskaidekaphobia. The poet, Gabriele D'Annunzio, throughout the year 1913 dated all correspondence 1912 plus 1. The composer, Arnold Schoenberg, at the age of 76(7 plus 6=13), took to bed, depressed over having attained that number. On Friday the 13th of July 1951 he then died 13 minutes before midnight. Don't laugh unless you forgot that evil day of October 3, (10th month and 3 days =13) when Ralph Branca cost the Brooklyn Dodgers the pennant, throwing the ball that let Bobby Thompson hit the winning three run homer. Nor need we even ask what number the ill-fated Branca wore on his uniform that day. More recently, two other losers who like to throw curve balls, Richard Pazdur(13 letters), and von Eschenbach(13 letters), disregarded 13 panel members while validating the four(1 plus 3)naysayers opinions thus denying approval for the life extending immunotherapy, Provenge. They too will go down in the history books for bad pitching on behalf of Big Pharma's team, the dealers in the horrific chemo alternative to Provenge when Dendreon, Provenge's developer, eventually connects with a winning three run homer of its own.

Ming Suffers Religious Persecution

As long as he's stuck here on Earth Ming formed his own Ministry. Minister Ming is a martyr for his new flock, having yet again thrown out his back while ministering to the Church of Ming's sisterhood. Vowing never to put himself in that position again with so many acolytes , the beloved Ming's earthly burdens continue nonetheless. A court date has been set and depositions taken for the unfortunate and ill conceived lawsuit charging Ming with several counts of defalcation, defrauding and deceiving with intent to delict the devotees of the Ming Ministry. This dastardly, debased desire to defrock the noble Ming is wholly without merit. The lambourgini was meant only to convey incapacitated devotees to church services. The Georgian Mansion was used only to house holy relics(including Ming's mom), while the Chateau Mouton de Rothchild in the well stocked wine cellar was for sacramental purposes only. The authorities have yet to be made aware of the Dendreon closeted in an overseas account which is a matter of some delicacy. Nevertheless, Ming hopes to use the riches that will eventually flow from those delectable Dendreon shares to fund a settlement without admission of guilt not unlike that which brokerage houses enjoy when found in flagrante delicto.

You Don't Know What You're Talking About

Ming visits your stupid planet and now finds English is the lingua franca. Its harder to read than any other language. Even when you can speak it, you still can't spell it. Twenty vowel sounds and over two-hundred eighteen ways to spell them. Rules that exist but no way to know when to apply them. Last time Ming was here, Latin was in use. Lietera non sum multiplicanda praetor necessitatum. Use no more letters than are necessary. Even after poor Ming masters the language and the outre spelling it still makes no sense. He finds that when ordering a hamburger, it contains no ham. Order eggplant lasagne and there are no eggs. Buy a pineapple and you can pine for the missing apples. Your vegetarians eat vegetables. Presumably your humanitarians eat humans. You recite at a play but play at a recital. You even park on a driveway while claiming to drive on a parkway. Your flimsy buildings allegedly burn up as they burn down. If you are in the human race then Ming doesn't see anyone having a chance to win.

All Worship Ming

Ming immodestly put a bumper sticker on his car reading "Honk if you love the Great God Ming at www.minganthology.blogspot.com". Later, parked at a busy intersection, lost in thought as to how great it is to be me, Ming would never have realized the light was now green if the car behind did't begin honking repeatedly. He must really love Ming. Then he shouted,"For the love of God, go, go, go". What devotion to Ming. Everyone behind him then started honking. Ming was so proud that he even began honking himself. Some obvious Floridian then tried inviting Ming to his home state by bragging at the top of his lungs about a "sunny beach" and a poor leper with only a middle finger began hysterically waving it at Ming to show his love. Not to be outdone and wanting to bond with the handicapped, Ming extended his middle finger in a show of solidarity. Then everyone , in a paroxysm of religious fervor got out of their cars and began approaching Ming obviously to kiss the hem of his robe and seek his blessings. This was too much for the now humbled Ming and he drove through the light just as it again turned red. You Earthlings are such a demonstrative people.

Maria Makes Ming

In a shameless attempt to gain publicy for minganthology.blogspot.com, Ming has condescended to wine and dine the delightful Maria Buttaroma. Ever the big sport, Ming graciously allowed his dinner companion to supersize her order. After dinner he presented her with a complimentary mezzaluna for use in her family's Brooklyn restaurant. The delighted Maria, agog at such generosity, and giddy that such a luminary would take an interest in her feckless existence, nonetheless declined both Ming's lascivious overtures and his somewhat lubricious suggestions. She cites her network's policy against saying anything positive about Ming. A grateful Maria did however, present Ming with an 8x10 glossy of her holding " Stock Market for Dummies" upside down. Next week Ming hopes to make Jim Cramer his chum whilst fishing off the Jersey coast. Bon appetite fishies.

Ming Is Inundated With Fan Mail

Your accolades keep pouring into minganthology.blogspot.com. Much of these worshipful epistles contain the appellation, "schmuck" in the salutation. While initially confused by this unfamiliar term and thinking Berlitz was somehow remiss when teaching Ming your quaint language, he surfed your internet. Apparently, this honorific is most often bestowed on high dignitaries such as presidents, congresspersons and FDA officials. Naturally, as Emperor of Mongo, it is only fitting and proper that Ming the Merciless be considered the biggest schmuck of all. We(the royal we), can only hope you agree.

Ming's Infallible Personality Test

Only three questions: I. You find Ming's posts; a. funny b. pathetic c. idiotic II. You have returned to Ming's blog because; a. you find it stimulating b. you are bored c. you can't believe anyone could write such drivel III. You would send Ming money; a. in any amount he asks for b. almost never c. when hell freezes over. If your answers are a,a and a to these three questions you are a sterling human being and a prince or princess of a person worthy of emulation by your peers. Any other answers and you are a miserable clod unworthy of the great Ming's further consideration, with one intriguing exception. Anyone with any combination of responses that includes IIIa in their answers has character that makes them worthy to enter Ming's select inner circle for a modest fee that will be made known to them as soon as their Dun & Bradstreet Report hits Ming's desk.

The Truculent Zarkov Dares Quibble With Ming

Dear Ming,

I find this video being posted on THIS particular message board (a board that engenders and breeds threat-makers – at least according to some of my fellow doctors) to be both: outrageous; and egregious. I was horrified to see my own mug-shot splashed on THIS board, and indeed, my first inclination was to instruct my private counsel F. Lee East (affectionately, but also appropriately a.k.a. “Fleeced”) to immediately prepare the required legal documents to initiate a legal action - against you - stipulating MY anguish, grief, and obvious conclusion re invasion of my privacy.

However, upon further contemplation, I WOULD CONSIDER a non-litigious avenue to pursue IF:

- All royalties (based on hits, etc.) are split: 60%; 40% - in my favor.

- In future episodes my make-up man is more generous with the Grecian formula, and I be assigned a barber that can at least ADEQUATELY trim beards.

- They lose my bag-fitting jump-suit-overalls, and get me some form-fitting stuff - to better show off my (somewhat) dazzling physique.

Additionally, because the writers’ strike has now been ended, I might suggest that future episodes center on my sheer brilliance, hell, pure genius. And finally, I would appreciate it if in the final SPECIAL episode that Dale, of course, continues to be repulsed by you – as indeed we all are - but that it at least be considered that she throws Flash over for me – a more mature, responsible, and worldly individual.

Assuming that you can work with the above requests; nay: DEMANDS, and subsequent suggestions, I believe we can work something out. Work…work with me here!

First thing in the morning - have your people call my people!

D. Z.

P. S. – Don’t tell Flash, but I plan on taking my rocket back to earth, and intend to leave him behind. But I do plan on taking Dale with me. So…I INTEND that Dale will be boarding my rocket…so to speak - just before we encounter blastoff!!

The Noble Ming Replies: Ming has contacted his people as soon as they made bail. It is our considered opinion that the only split, as you so artfully put it, to which you are entitled revolves around your personality. As to hair pomades, our budget allows for an industrial sized drum of schmaltz to be at your disposal which we obtain directly from the FDA. Those worthies dispense this product freely but to little effect. As to your beard, we deem it prudent to protect our gentle readers from exposure to as much of your countenance as is possible. Thus you are to remain as hirsute as nature will allow. We also feel that the most flattering view of your physique and intellectual attainments can be had at a distance. Hence, a no close-up clause will be inserted into your contract. Lastly, we greatly doubt your rocket contains sufficient fuel to launch the delectable Dale but do encourage you to come again.

Solid Citizen Ming Is Outraged

Where has trust gone? Have all politicians lost touch with their constituencies? A resplendent Ming in full Emperor of the Universe regalia attended a recent rally for the candidate of his choice. How better to convey Ming's valuable insights? What laughably passed for security immediately took a morbid interest in Ming. Doubtlessly jealous of Ming's fashion sense that would make any doorman or admiral in the Bolivian Navy green with envy. Naturally, comes Q&A time, Ming cleverly called attention to himself with a discreet display of his original Buck Rogers Ray Gun hoping to garner the candidate's rapt attention. Ming is proud to say he gave a very good account of himself in the following melee and would have exited under his own power were it not for the invention of the taser. Would the sainted Millard Fillmore have conducted a campaign in so outre a manner?

Cash In On Your Ugly Face

Kindhearted Ming will sometimes use this blog to pass along timely, money making tips such as this one. Everyone wants to feel superior to the next guy or girl. Ad agencies know this and use it to advantage when crafting their commercials. One way they do this is to show some ugly low-life using a competitor's product ineffectually or one that their crappy product is meant to replace. This is where you cash in big-time. One look at your wretched countenance and everyone else feels better about themselves especially after they buy the sponsor's product being demonstrated by that goddess or adonis so unlike you. Who knows? This could blossom into a career playing janitors, drug addicts, or if you really look bad enough, politicians. The sky's the limit and you will have Ming to thank for the cornucopia of cash that comes your way. Hopefully that thanks will be expressed in a pecuniary fashion.

Ming Disgraces Ancestors

Once again Ming has brought dishonor upon his venerable ancestors by lusting after the luscious Dale Arden. Attempting to raise money to buy her the stray baubble, he is dressed in his new Ronald Ming Donald costume while entertaining snot-encrusted moppets for minimum wage and all the unhappy meals he can scrounge. Only benefit in wearing boob suit is Fat Wong the usurer's threat-men can no longer find Ming to administer tune-up. Ming prays to Lu-Hsing, the god of wealth to intercede and illuminate the dim bureaucratic bulbs at the FDA forthwith and rescue him from the rapacious shorts in his favorite stock, Dendreon by approving Provenge. Ming notes that the immortal Lao-tzu said,"Blessed are the idiots, for they are the happiest people on earth." Ming gives odds the immortal one never had to wear a clown suit or tried to invest in the stock market. Meanwhile Ming hopes, the delectable Dale doesn't notice his latest offering once resided on the shelves of the 99 cent store.

Candidates Beg Ming For Endorsement

Logic is impeccable. So goes Ming's South Bronx voting district so goes the Bronx. As goes the Bronx, so goes New York City. As goes the City so goes the State and thus goes the Nation. What with the ravages of urban renewal, Ming is last registered voter in district and now holds the fate of the Nation in his unwashed hand. His demands are nonnegotiable. Winning candidate must have plank in platform denouncing wasteful consolidation of FDA facilities in White Oak site in Silver Springs Maryland. All FDA food oversight must go to Department of Agriculture. Drug oversight goes to Drug Enforcement Agency. Present FDA employees are to give pony rides at present sites until retirement kicks in. Now Ming will buy box of cheap cigars so his political pronunciamentos can emanate from smoke filled room just like its always been done.

Ming Sues In Phone Sex Sting

Acting as his own counsel, barrister Ming pleads entrapment. Too cheap to replace his rotary phone, Ming found himself entrapped in one of the dial's finger holes as he tried to access Hot Hilda's Harem the hard way. Ming's attempt to enter the foul phone as Exhibit A was also foiled by a squeamish bailiff who demanded gloves before he would touch the offending mechanism. Ming plans to pursue Ma Bell to the fullest extent of the law under the doctrine of infliction of cruel and unusual punishment because it still stings. This is the only way left to get rich in America. Sue your way to a lifetime of financial security.

Vote For Ming

One reader asks who to vote for. Write in vote for Ming shows reader to be discerning, urbane sophisticate. Vote for anyone else shows reader to be mindless lackey of the establishment. Another reader cruelly alludes to Ming's cardboard collar. The investment world has been unkind to poor Ming since May 9th of last year. Ming must cut corners until his ship comes in. Day old bread, bloated cans marked down to ten cents, cracked eggs and trips to the One Size Fits All shop is now Ming's lot in life. Any tips as to location of fruitful dumpsters will be appreciated. Ming likes fruit.

Ming Is Deluged

Skinflints trying to cut back on their psychiatry bills already swamp poor Ming begging him for free advice. One eager reader writes, "I head a government agency whose dubious decisions are constantly being called into question. This leaves me with feelings of anxiety and depression. What should I do?" Ming solicitously replies;" Stop medicating yourself with the crap your agency foists off on an unsuspecting public as being safe and effective. The contraindications for some of that stuff would make an old time medicine show barker blush with guilt. Surely there is something the crackpots in your employ could approve that is both safe and effective with minimal, if any, side affects. Does the name Provenge ring any bells in your drug addled pate?"

Lucky Reader

Lucky for you, gentle reader, Ming is now here to guide your faltering footsteps as you make your usual laughable attempt to negotiate your way through the day. How you ever crossed streets without Ming's help will remain one of life's great mysteries. Don't bother any longer to watch stupid morning news shows with vapid reporters grinning like cretins as they sandwich their patented pap between endless commercials for things people would never have even mentioned twenty years ago. Fearless cub reporter Ming's motto is "all we print is news that fits" or maybe it should be "All we fit is news that prints" or "All the news we print is fit" or you can just go look at an old copy of The New York Times and we can steal their motto. Remember, if you don't read Ming, you don't know a thing. Only Honest Ming will insult your intelligence and tell you so to your face.